Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

The Oldest Profession in Social Media

Posted by evankessler on December 3, 2009

On any given day in your twitter stream, you can count on receiving an endless display of minutia, whether some attention hound wants you to know that he is currently walking west on Main Street or taking a moment to rid oneself of bodily waste.  Status updates are the new status symbol and aspiring social media mavens from Hialeah, Florida to Hong Kong can’t seem to give enough day to day play-by-play for their horde of eager and sometimes completely disinterested followers.

The fact that people stop their lives to tell you exactly what they’ve stopped doing in their lives can be absolutely ludicrous depending on just what they’ve brought to a screeching halt.

Recently, an Abingdon, MD man brought his wedding to a standstill in order to update his Facebook relationship status and tweet his knot tying, thereby cementing his status as a social media whore.

So what a social media whore makes?  We here at OneRiot have compiled a list of some of the tell-tale signs…er symptoms that you may be practicing the world’s oldest profession over the Internet.

  • You May Kiss The…- Any historic event in your life that you take time out to turn into a status update rather than enjoy the visceral experience of being there speaks volumes of your digital prostitution.  If something is worth recounting, the story you’ll tell later will be better than the 140 characters you’re currently conveying.
  • Cewebrity- You’re fame is based on your ability to social network. Hello Tila Tequila.


  • “We’re Engaged!”- Instead of telling any of your friends you’re engaged, you just change your relationship status on Facebook.
  • The Menu- Your friends and followers can list all of the meals you’ve eaten in the past two weeks because you’ve tweeted or made status updates about all of them.  The catch is, you’re not a food critic.
  • You Should See A Doctor- One of your followers thinks that the amount of times you go to the bathroom is unhealthy.  This signifies that your followers are aware of how many times you’ve been to the bathroom.
  • I’m So Cool- You’re constantly tweeting about who you are hanging out with, especially if they are celebrities who you are friends with on Twitter.
  • Fail Whale- You have panic attacks when the Fail Whale appears.
  • You Think You’re An Elected Official- Everywhere you go, you proclaim yourself the mayor over twitter until someone else you know on twitter shows up.  If you were the mayor of the coffee shop you’d probably be able to score free drinks.
  • People Have Faces?- You’ve never met any of your friends in person, but you know they’re hilarious because of the online personas they’ve concocted.  For all you know your followers are all convicted sex offenders on house arrest who are hilarious in 140 word bursts.
  • You Wear #85 For The Bengals- Chad OchoCinco maybe a bit of a Tweet freak but he uses his powers for good and is a joy to follow.

There are plenty more tell-tale signs of Social Media obsession.  Unfortunately our character count for this article has r….

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