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Archive for December, 2009

2010: 2009 All Over Again?

Posted by evankessler on December 30, 2009

Precious few hours are left in the decade that has yet to have a affectionate moniker bestowed upon it other than the rather drab “aughts” or “oh-oh’s.” We could easily look back on the the last ten years and affix the era with an apt title like the “Decade Where Everyone Decided To Go Completely Insane Over The Tiniest Pseudo-Celebrity News,” but we’ll resist that temptation.  We here at OneRiot would like to look forward to 2010.  Specifically, we’re in search of an unofficial motto that will define the attitude for the next year to come.  There’s been some great ones over the last ten years like “2001: Let’s Have Some Fun,” and “2003: Everyone’s Drinking Tea!” Who could forget the collective determination of “2008: Let’s All Lose Some Weight”? Okay, so maybe none of those were actual slogans used in their years and maybe we just made them up using simple rhyme scheme for the sake of this post, but that doesn’t mean 2010 shouldn’t have an unofficial slogan, does it?  We’ve reached into the deep well of our imagination and our knowledge of words that rhyme with “ten” to bring you a list of potential taglines for the year to come.

2010: Put The Crazies Back In The Pen- 2009 saw the emergence of nutbars like teabaggers who brought guns to health care rallies and birther Orly Taitz. This slogan beckons a return to reasonable political discourse.

2010: Let’s Go Hang Out In The Den– Leisurely acts took a big hit in 2009.  Everyone spent more time in the unemployment line and less time relaxing. Here’s hoping we kick this recession in the new year and spend less time applying elbow grease while massaging our careers.  Instead, we should all just kick back in our favorite room in the house and enjoy entertaining friends in front of that new 60-inch TV we just bought after our new boss decided we were due for a raise.

2010: Lose Some Weight Again- After we triumphantly lost weight in 2008, some of us used ’09 to sit around and dine.  Let’s get back on that health train.

Amen, It’s 2010: It’s going to be a spiritual year, people.

2010: You’re Going To Have To Watch Figure Skating– The Vancouver Winter Olympics starts up in a few weeks and whether you like it or not…you’re going to have to watch figure skating.

2010: The Year We Make Contact- Okay, so this isn’t a slogan as much as it’s the name of the Peter Hyams-directed sequel to Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, but maybe just maybe this is the year we finally hang out with E.T.

2010: Two Years ‘Til The End- According to the Mayan Calendar, we’re all going down in ’12, so let’s make this one count.

Happy New Year readers.  See you next year!

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Bowling for a National Championship

Posted by evankessler on December 29, 2009

College Football’s Bowl Season has been in full swing since December 19th when the then 6-6 Wyoming Cowboys (5th Place in the Mountain West Division) conquered the then 8-4 Fresno State Bulldogs (3rd place in Western Athletic Division) in overtime in the New Mexico Bowl.  While we can’t possibly understand the amount of pride on the line when two mediocre teams face off in a Bowl aimed at determining if College Football fans can be lured to visit New Mexico for vacation and alert the rest of America that Albuquerque has a stadium; the thrilling overtime finish cemented the 2009 New Mexico Bowl‘s place in NCAA history as the 1,326th most memorable game ever.  The College Football National Championship between Alabama and Texas on January 7th may be the only game with real significance in the BCS race but with a total of 34 Bowl games this season, here’s a look at the stakes of this season’s other bowl matchups.

Meineke Car Care Bowl– Pittsburgh’s victory in this bowl ensures that their players and coaches will simply never-ever have to pay a lot for that muffler.

Independence Bowl- Some nations have to go to war for independence, some battle for it on the gridiron. The University of Georgia’s victory yesterday over Texas A&M established them as an independent nation for span of one year, lest they should successfully defend their title next year.

EagleBank Bowl- The winner of today’s Bowl between UCLA (6-6) and Temple (9-3) wins free checking for life.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl- The victor of this matchup between the Idaho Vandals (7-5) and Bowling Green Falcons (7-5) automatically enters a contract to perform 1000 hours of community service, walk old ladies across the street and must make an additional pledge to support all of Bono’s endeavors. An Idaho victory would force them to change their team name as “vandalism” is considered quite the opposite of a humanitarian act. The loser will most likely spawn several tyrannical dictators.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl- If the Houston Cougars (10-3) defeat Air Force (7-5), all of the 40-plus year old single women in Houston replace the Air Force as the 5th branch of the US military. These sex bombs will lend new meaning to the phrase “Make love, not war” as the US explores a new type of sensual diplomacy.

Outback Bowl- Two words: Bloomin’ Onion!

International Bowl- While both the South Florida Bulls (7-5) and the Northern Illinois  Huskies (7-5) get to experience the wonder of playing in a foreign land otherwise known as Canada, only the winner will be allowed to leave.  The loser will be subject to a sickening amount of goodwill as they are welcomed with open arms and have to experience the horror of free health care.

There’s 27 more where that came from. Unfortunately, not all of them come with great  perks.  Let’s face it, being crowned National Champion isn’t all it’s cracked up to be when your only freebie is a shiny trophy.

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Dying Celebrities, Imma Let You Finish, But Memes Had the Best 2009

Posted by evankessler on December 28, 2009

2009 may come to be known as “The Year of the Celebrity Death.”  The double dose of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett on June 25th made us stop thinking about freeing Iran with our tweets so that we could spend the next two months feathering our hair and trying to perfect our moonwalk in tribute to the King of Pop. Sure, there were a lot of well-known faces who kicked said bucket this year, but in our estimation a year shouldn’t come to be known for all of the sadness it brought.

We here at OneRiot would like to focus on one of the positive or at least non-negative fads that emerged in 2009 that helped define our Internet-obsessed being.  We hereby declare 2009 as “The Year of The Internet Meme.” In keeping with the meme theme we’d like to share with you our top memes of 2009:

25 Things About Me- In the early part of 2009  your Facebook friends decided to give you entirely too much personal information in 25 fell swoops.  They shared hopes, fears, dreams, and embarrassing and most likely incriminating secrets that they’d probably be arrested for revealing, all because some other person sharing too much information tagged them in their list of stuff you shouldn’t give a crap about.  This meme got so out of a hand that even Time Magazine asked their friends to keep some things to themselves.

CD Cover Meme- Around the time the 25 things Meme was dying out, bored people at work decided they needed something else to do.  That thing was create a fictional CD cover. Sounds easy enough.
Step 1. Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random” or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
Step 2. Go to Quotations Page and select “random quotations” or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.
Step 3. Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Step 4. Okay, we did it.  Now what?  Do we have to start that band and make that album?  Oh, we just have to tag 1000 more people? No problem.

Imma Let You Finish- All it took was one crazy Kanye speech as he interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMAs and “Imma Let You Finish” became part of the lexicon. It seems within minutes after the September 13th incident this meme took over the world wide netweb.

Keyboard Cat- The original keyboard cat video appeared in 2007, but it wasn’t until February of 2009 that the Keyboard Cat was mixed in with other videos, became a meme…and our lives became all the richer for it.  Play 2009 off Keyboard Cat!

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Don’t Be A Bad Santa

Posted by evankessler on December 23, 2009

The final hours are dwindling down to that magical moment when you and your family will be gathered by the tree on Christmas morning, eagerly awaiting what rewards being on Santa’s “nice” list and continuing your strained familial relationships hath wrought.  We know you don’t want to spend too much loot on those who rarely factor into your lives– even if they are family.  But it is Christmas; so while you’re naturally inclined to wait to the last second to fill the stockings of those that matter the least, there are some lame gifts that defy poor judgment as shining beacons of just how little effort you felt like putting into the giving season.  The following are a few examples of gifts that no one will be thankful for receiving:

Internet Address Organizer- In the postal age, address books were thoughtful tokens for those less-organized friends who you couldn’t stand to be out of touch with. Nowadays buying someone an Internet Address organizer hints that not only are you wholly unfamiliar with the Internet and its ability to save information such as email addresses, but you probably haven’t the slightest idea– nor do you care– about any of the likes and dislikes of said gift recipient to buy them something so impersonal and pointless.  Nothing says, “I didn’t really want to get you anything” quite like an Internet Address Organizer.

Fancy Coat Hangers As someone who has received the gift of coat hangers as a holiday present, I can unequivocally state that they are in no way worthy of the feigned “thanks” you’d ultimately have to bestow upon he/she who was convinced by QVC hosts that they were a wonderfully practical idea for a present. That being said, I still have my coat hangers, I’m just not happy about them as a gift.

A Spoon Pillow– People who fancy themselves cooking whizzes often find themselves awash in kitchen amenities. To our minds there’s nothing more pointless than this one- a pillow…for your spoon. You know, for when your cooking utensil needs a rest and a paper towel blanket just won’t do.

Any Item of Clothing That Says Merry Christmas On It- Talk about gifts that allow for minimum utility.  Giving someone something that they’re only able to break out on the occasion that it is Christmas, provides for the ultimate guilt trip.  If said recipient is not wearing his/her Santa sweater next year, I know a certain relative who’s going to be very upset.

Alright OneRioters, time’s a dwindling. Go forth and get your last minute gifts. Just try not to waste your hard-earned cash on some of these holiday clunkers.

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Kids Named the Darnedest Things in ’09

Posted by evankessler on December 22, 2009

We civilians often look to celebrities for guidelines in all aspects of our lives. Who hasn’t gone gaga on the idea of weight loss after hearing Gwyneth sing the praises of the Master Cleanse and Kate Moss talk about not eating? Often we transfer that admiration we have for pop culture onto our own creations. Who can forget that year when everyone was naming their children “ESPN” after their favorite cable sports network, or “You’re Fired” in tribute to Donald Trump‘s TV catchphrase?

This year is no different as it was announced that the top baby names for 2009 are a decidedly odd bunch, with Aidan and Madeline leading the way.  We here at OneRiot can only assume that the popularity of esteemed actors Aidan Quinn and Madeleine(sic) Stowe are responsible for this trend.  After all, in 2009 you couldn’t flip on cable TV without seeing this duo displaying their dramatic chops in films like 1987’s Stakeout and 1994’s Blink (or could you have?).

While those two were tops of the name pop charts, there were a few other favorite labels parents enjoyed sticking on their kids for life in 2009. We’d like to take this opportunity to explore the reasons behind their popularity:

Jayden/Brayden: This duo of sexually ambiguous names are an obvious tribute to Britney Spears’ comeback. Britney has a son named “Jayden” and “Brayden” is some weird attempt to combine Britney’s name with her son. Both names provide a rare dose humanity, since Britney had this son with Kevin Federline and both names provide solemn reminders that we are all prone to making mistakes.

Jackson- One of the top names for boys this year, parents started naming their kids this en masse after Michael Jackson’s death, praying that the King of Pop would be reincarnated in their bodies, thus inspiring them to achieve superstardom– but praying none of the weird tendencies spring up.

Taylor- Not the highest ranking girl name up there, but given the nation’s surge of support for Taylor Swift after Kanye-gate, it’s totally understandable that parents chose to show whose side they were on by naming their youngsters after People Magazine’s 2009 Entertainer of the Year. Parents naming their kid Taylor could also be backers of “Team Jacob” given that the popular Twilight character is portrayed by Taylor Lautner.

Olivia- The popularity of this moniker could be attributed to nerd goddess Olivia Munn of G4’s “Attack of The Show!“.  Nerd parents would love for their kids to be a chip off the ol’ namesake and be total tech geeks with a Star Wars fetish. They’ll never have to worry where their daughter is late at night when she’s on the couch with mom and dad enjoying Battlestar Galactica reruns.

Evan- One of the top male names is obviously a product of people reading the OneRiot blog.  Just sayin’.

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We Aught To Be Ashamed

Posted by evankessler on December 21, 2009

Today is the Winter Solstice.  While it is the shortest day of the year and first official day of Winter, it’s also a solemn reminder that time remaining in this decade some of us refer to as “the aughts” is running out.  In a mere ten day’s we’ll be ringing in the 10’s and the previous decade will be but a footnote in history.  Sure, much has been accomplished in that span, but there have also been plenty of missed opportunities the likes of which we will never have back.  Rather than pat ourselves on the back by looking at the societal achievements of the past decade, we here at OneRiot prefer to take a sobering look at some things that just didn’t happen that must be corrected in the near future in order to give 2010 and beyond that onward and upward feeling.

Flying Cars-
All of the movies that we saw as children (but mostly Back to the Future 2) pretty much said that flying cars would be a reality by now.  Sure, there’s a car that can be converted into a plane, but it’s not the same.  Instead our technological advancements have centered on the ability to give status updates from the toilet, rather than the ability to float around on a hoverboard or fly your pod to your cousin’s house in Arizona. And has anyone even started working on home teleportation devices yet? C’mon, this is the 21st century.

World Series Champion Chicago Cubs The last decade saw long-enduring championship curses end for both the Boston Red Sox and Chicago White Sox. We don’t know what the Cubs have done since 1908 to continually invite the hands of fate to tinker with their chances of winning it all, but we hope sometime in the next decade their long-suffering fans catch a break. Hopefully, it’s not 2012 though. We can see it now, the Cubs lead the Yankees in the bottom of the 9th of Game 7 with 2 outs when the Mayan prophecy of the end of the world comes to fruition, leaving Wrigleyville and everywhere else in ruins.

Gay Marriage- Can’t we just acknowledge that all people that are of legal consenting age should be able to get married.  Several states took the leap in 2009 to ensure equal marriage rights for all.  As long as marriage isn’t between a boy,his dog and the neighbor’s cactus plant, this wrong should be righted. Everyone should get the same chance to be miserable.

The aughts were certainly a time of opportunity and innovation, as well as economic hardship and war. There’s a lot we can stand to improve on over the next 10 years provided we don’t get sidetracked by that really attractive looking prickly pear plant. Who knows, maybe we’ll even come up with three other areas that could stand to be improved by 2019!

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Arizona Hunter Redefines Manliness

Posted by evankessler on December 18, 2009

The moment we saw his character Col. James Braddock save face by killing a giant rat with his own teeth in Missing In Action 2: The Beginning, was the moment we decided that Chuck Norris was perhaps the toughest human being alive.

However, our definition of manliness was put to the test when infomercials for Jack Lalanne‘s juicer arrived, accompanied by video footage of the fitness fan handcuffed and shackled while swimming the length the Golden Gate Bridge underwater toting 140lbs of equipment.

It wasn’t until years later after watching the Jackass crew commit unspeakable acts of stupidity upon their own genitalia that we thought Mr. Norris and Mr. LaLane might have some competition in the realm of true, if ill advised, grit. And while it takes a certain amount of gall to have a cue ball rammed into one’s private area, it doesn’t necessarily come with the merit of using one’s body as a freightliner, or escaping from a fictional Vietnamese POW camp.

Enter, James Gruver, who has shown that despite nature’s plan to wipe out the human race (and most other creatures) via global warming, mankind still has a leg up in other menacing situations that mother earth hurls our way. The Arizona hunter was attacked by a rabid 30 lb. Bobcat intent on tearing him limb upon limb when he seized control of the situation, harnessing his own adrenaline to choke his hungry feline foe to death.  Rather than become an earlybird special for this combative kitty, Gruven now has a reason to visit the taxidermist.  Maybe we should consider hiring Gruver to literally “tackle” the problem of the melting polar ice caps next.

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Elin Gets Revenge with New Cat

Posted by evankessler on December 17, 2009

Rumors of the pending divorce between Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods have been spreading like wildfire over the past 24 hours. Sources have the scorned ex of the world’s best golfer fleeing back to Sweden with the kids, where they will eventually be calling a blonde-haired, blue-eyed man named Bjorn or Ingmar their new daddy. If that weren’t enough to send Tiger Woods hurtling into a deep black hole of melancholy, the promiscuous links legend is having his loss of sponsorship thrown in his face by his once-beloved blond beauty.

Having had Accenture recently bail out on him, the Nike spokesman’s soon-to-be former spouse is being courted by the competition in what can best be described as a revenge sponsorship. Elin Nordegren is allegedly involved in talks to be the spokesperson for Nike rival Puma and their Sweden-inspired clothing line, Tretorn.  Now we don’t no where this ranks on the vengeance scale (probably only 5 or so on a scale from 1 to 10), but imagine if other scorned lovers of celebrities decided to take on causes or sponsorships just to get back at their ex-spouses. What’s that you say, you can’t imagine?  Well we can and here’s a few we came up with:

Robyn Moore- Mel Gibson divorced his wife of nearly 29 years after she popped out seven kids for the Lethal Weapon star and Oscar-winning director so he could make kid #8 with his new girlfriend. For revenge, Mel’s longtime beau would agree to produce her own “passion” project with her money from the divorce settlement: “The Story of Chanukah.”

Larry Fortensky- The eight husband of Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor was unceremoniously disposed of in 1996. Rather than take the break up like a chump, we would’ve liked to see Fortensky become the spokesman for Shalimar, a rival fragrance to Taylor’s White Diamonds. It makes sense since we imagine he’s probably spent a good load of time sniffing it in strip clubs ever since the divorce.

Guy Ritchie- Brit-director and ex-husband of Madonna had the pleasure of seeing his ex-wife take a bundle of joy that she renamed “David” back to be raised as the couple’s son. While Madonna has done great work in Malawi, Ritchie gets his revenge by opening a rival orphanage and putting his energy towards strengthening their connection to their culture, instead of adopting a kid, renaming it and subsequently forcing him to watch mommy thrust her vagina towards strangers on tour every night.

If the taste of revenge is sweet, then Hollywood just may be the sugar capital of the world. With every bitter star-studded divorce comes with it a desperate yearning to dole out some comeuppance.  Who will get the opportunity in 2010? We can only wait and see.

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A Range of Mangers

Posted by evankessler on December 15, 2009

As Christians around the world prepare to celebrate the birth of their lord and savior less than two weeks from today, many have set up manger scenes of the Baby Jesus.  Though this denotes a joyous occasion, it’s important to note that not all cultures see Jesus as their lord and savior. For Star Wars fans, the savior is Luke Skywalker; for Tom Cruise it’s L.Ron Hubbard; and for some Colombians, Jesus is the newborn son of the local druglord who was showered with gifts such as guns, cocaine, and myrrh (though whomever brought the myrrh was shot out back and fed to the wild dogs) upon birth. Seeing as the Internet is a melting pot of any and all cultures; a front lawn for the tech-savvy, it’s a more than reasonable expectation that there would be various permutations of Christianity’s famous manger scene depicting the three wise men’s visitation co-opted to fit the beliefs of other cultures or by those with entirely too much time– on their hands.  Here are a few favorites we found:

This manger scene by Flickr User Larry Lars provides a double dose of dorkyness (the good kind) combining Star Wars Fandom with Lego ingenuity.

Some people subscribe to a school of thought that Dinosaurs and man co-existed.  This manger scene is for those people.

German Minimalist nativity scene or missing Jenga pieces?  You decide. (Made by Oliver Fabel http://www.oliverfabel.de/)

The Baby Jesus in this nativity scene made bath time so much fun.

No Christmas Is Complete Without A Sighting of the Robot Baby Jesus (via Robot Porn )


We’re sure there are plenty more bizarre interpretations of the nativity floating out there on the world wide web.  Much to our chagrin we were unable to locate a “Sexy Manger.” “Chanukah Christ” or any scene depicting the amount of body thetans Jesus was born with. These will just have to suffice for now. If you have any creative manger scenes send them our way and maybe we’ll show them off.  Otherwise, just carry on happily with your holiday proceedings.

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Monorail Ride from Hell

Posted by evankessler on December 14, 2009

Cinderella Castle at the Magic Kingdom, Walt D...

Image via Wikipedia

There are places in this world where being stranded at 1am doesn’t sound like such a harrowing ordeal.  It all depends on the situation. For instance, the word “stuck” doesn’t apply when you’re a heterosexual male in a Prague nightclub with a 4 to 1 girl to guy ratio where the doors have been mysteriously sealed shut.  Compare that to the thought of spending the early morning hours on a crowded Detroit street after the Pistons have won an NBA championship or in war-torn Kabul at any point. Being hung out to dry on a monorail halfway between Epcot Center and a place called the “Magic Kingdom” seems a lot less fortunate than the first example, but it’s certainly no unarmored walk in a Baghdad park.

Overlooking a placid Lake Bambi in the wee hours of the morning may seem like a pleasant enough happenstance, but it can also be a living hell.  300 people had the misfortune of finding that out this weekend when three monorails at Walt Disney World lost power, leaving a gaggle of unhappy park attendees on board.

While there were no explicit descriptions of atrocities that occurred, we can only imagine the park visitors saw some horrible things that will make them reconsider the merits of waiting on an hour-long line at 11:45pm to go on Space Mountain a third time. And seeing as we’re so imaginative. Here’s a few traumatic occurrences we thought up that may have those poor passengers in therapy for years to come as the happiest place on earth suddenly became the most inescapable:

  • Several children were afflicted for life by MID or Mascot Identification Disorder.  There’s only so many hours an off duty Donald Duck stranded on a monorail trying to get to the parking lot can keep up his costumed ruse before his suit gets too hot and he removes his head, thereby scarring all the kids on board once they realize the duck isn’t real.
  • Claustrophobic passengers unwittingly got the theme from “It’s A Small World After All” stuck in their heads and now will associate being in any small space with that song from now on.
  • Military veterans on board made life uncomfortable for the passengers who didn’t have their Post-traumatic stress disorder related flashbacks triggered by the “Pirates of Carribean” ride.
  • With the likelihood of a constant din of wailing kids, parents are now immune to the pained screams of their young ones.  Besides while their kids were whining about being stuck mothers and fathers were slowly discovering their cannibalistic side, sizing up other parents to see which ones would make for the best meal should the situation call for that.
  • Kids of single moms on board now associating all Mickey Mouse mascots as virile masculine critters who made a playdate to go out with mommy.

Yes, Walt Disney World may be a land of imaginary magic and cartoonish thrills, but when something goes wrong imaginations can wander and those thrills are quickly transformed into ills. Keep that in mind, next time you’ve got Frontier Land fresh on the brain.

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