Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

9-1-1 Is No Joke

Posted by evankessler on November 13, 2009

Public notice on highway

Image via Wikipedia

According to the Public Safety and Homeland Security Bureau, “911 lines are designated for emergency calls, such as reporting a crime in progress; reporting a fire; or requesting an ambulance.” Notice that nowhere in that official description was there mention of a “sexual emergency.”

If only Joshua Basso had access to that description prior to calling every living heart attack victim’s favorite three digits, he’d have saved himself from a heap of trouble–and not sexy trouble like getting a flat tire in a porn film. The 29-year-old Tampa Resident was arrested after aiming lewd comments at a 9-1-1 operator and subsequently throwing in a little “my place or yours” action in the hopes of completing a titillating tryst with said catastrophe clerk. We understand Basso’s reluctance to dial a 1-900 number on account of the hefty cost, which is no small change when you’re unemployed, but there are certain things you just can’t justify calling a public emergency hotline for– and dirty talk is most certainly one of them.

In order to get a handle on other emergency phone-pas, OneRiot is taking a stroll down memory lane and throwing in some new suggestions of our own of when not to call 9-1-1″

1.Fast Food Fix- From the woman in Haltom City, Texas who dialed the three magic numbers to complain that her local Chinese restaurant had been skimping on the shrimp to the recent incident in Hawaii when a drive-thru customer rang to complain over a missing box of OJ from his Mickey D’s breakfast; these are situations best left for a managerial complaint or the Better Business Bureau, lest the cops consider the withholding of a single prawn to be a hostage situation.

2. When You’re Being Adorable- Kids are adorable and sometimes adorable kids make life- saving phone calls. Sometimes they just want help with their math homework.  Awww.

3. Fictional Character Medical Emergency If you just so happen to be watching your box set of Dallas and you get to the point where someone shoots J.R., do not call 9-1-1.  JR Ewing is not a real person and judging by his lack of scruples he probably deserved it.

4. Marijuana Overdose Hockey Score Curiosity-
Getting really high on pot by eating a whole bunch of brownies and having a freakout is sort of a medical emergency, but needing to know the score in the Red Wings game is not.  If you can use the phone, you can probably also turn on ESPN.

5. Your Child Has Not Floated Away In A Balloon- If you own some sort of Mylar balloon that was set free and your child is not inside of it floating across the state at great heights and you don’t fear for his life…you should probably not call 9-1-1.  It will save you, the 24 hour news networks, and the general public a lot of time and grief.

Let this be a lesson to you.  If you tend to over-react and have an itchy phone trigger finger, take a deep breath, step back and assess the situation before calling 9-1-1.  It’s for emergencies.


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