Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Earth Avoids Deep Impact Sequel

Posted by evankessler on November 12, 2009

While the likes of Kelly Osbourne and Aaron Carter might suggest that the concept of stars moving gracefully is a fairly new concept, the Earth’s existence in a veritable minefield of asteroids and comets is proof positive that “Dancing With The Stars” has been vital element to our planetary survival for billions of years. Perhaps that’s why it’s always a trending topic on the real-time web.

Every so often one of those soaring celestial bodies threatens to bring our civilization to a crashing halt with little to no warning. Such was sort of the case on November 6th, when the Catalina Sky Survey noticed that a 23-foot wide asteroid known as 2009 VA missed the blue marble by a mere 8,700 miles.

To put that into perspective, that’s like a little kid throwing a small rock at your nose and just barely missing before you slowly come to the realization that that thing could’ve broken your nose had it hit. A 23-foot wide piece of hurtling space rock is nothing to laugh at, after all in 1908 a near 100 ft asteroid slammed into Siberia and wiped out 1200 square miles of forest; so even the relatively pebble- sized projectile that narrowly missed us by the distance between Milwaukee and Johannesburg could have done some substantial damage.

Although we weren’t quite prepared for impact this time, we here at OneRiot have a few suggestions in the case a similar E.L.E. (extinction level event) were to threaten your well-being in our OneRiot Guide to Asteroid Survival:

1. Be Smart- If you are in school and get good grades the government will most likely pick you to join their earth re-population colony. You will be notified only a few days prior to impact, so study hard because you never know when the big one is about to hit.

2. Have A Mattress Party- Invite all of your friends over and tell them to bring all of the mattresses from their homes.  Arrange all of the mattresses together into a big landing pad on your front lawn. If enough mattress parties are held around the world there is a good chance that the impact of the asteroid will be lessened and the portion of the earth where it crashes will be spared massive damage. This goes double for Tempur-pedic mattress parties. Disclaimer: Just because you are having a mattress party does not mean you should hang out on the mattresses. If the plan works and you are on your mattress you are likely to not be spared.

3. Become an Astronaut/Space Tourist- We’re not exactly sure what the becoming an Astronaut process is like. We know you have to be really good at math and science and probably go to space camp. Being in space, whether you’re an astronaut or space tourist is the best way to avoid getting killed once the asteroid slams into earth. It’s a simple case of right place/right time.

4. Wear a helmet- Helmets are good for any kind of impact.

5. Enlist the Aliens- For years the government has been hiding the fact that we’ve been communicating with extra-terrestrial beings and ordering them to give anal probes on not so influential individuals. Instead of giving them nonsensical duties, now is the time to get them to use their superior technology to do us a solid.

6. Go Out With A Bang-
Nix The Supermarket. Whatever you do, don’t waste time waiting in line for groceries, canned food and supply survivals. What is that going to get you?  If you’re in harms way of an asteroid odds are you’re probably not going to make it. Do you really want to spend your final moments waiting for Flo to make that final price check on aisle nine? Paint the town red instead. Call anyone you’ve ever had a secret or not-so-secret desire to get involved with and make it happen. Time is of the essence for them and you. Plus, if you haven’t already spent enough time appreciating your family, these last few days aren’t really going to make that much of a difference.

Alright, there you have it…our OneRiot “Survival” Guide for Asteroid-induced crises.  Add your own and oh yeah…REPENT!

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