Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Uses for a Rotting Corpse on Halloween

Posted by evankessler on October 19, 2009

Beginning sometime around our gentle transition into the autumn season, the word “Halloween” began appearing as a trending topic on the minds of many a real-time search monger.  While it’s true a good deal of the hubbub is merely result of users reading up on their favorite spooky sugar-coated candies or attempting to get a head start on finding the perfect costume like @trexy79 who’s considering stealing my costume from 5 years ago and at the same time ruining the surprise for any of his twitter follower friends who might be attending the same party, not all of the Halloween buzz though is centered around candy or fun dress up ideas.

One new and bizarre All Hallow’s Eve-based oddity that’s burning the jack-o-lantern at both ends, in terms of the amount of shares it’s getting, runs quite counter to that good natured ghoulishness. The dead body of a man on his balcony in Marina Del Rey, California went unreported for several days on account that other people in the neighborhood mistook the rotting corpse for one of those fun fake rotting corpses that people everywhere really like to decorate their balconies with–or something like that. We’ve heard of bony skeletons, but lifelike rotting corpses with a gunshot wound to the head don’t exactly scream “trick or treat” to the neighborhood children. We’ll humor that one particular neighborhood in California and say that having a rotting corpse on hand could come in a handy this Halloween. Here are our top five Halloween uses for anyone who just happens to have a rotting corpse sitting around the house:

1. Weekend At Bernie’s CostumeDress up as Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman from the popular 80’s comedy and pretend your rotting corpse is alive by manipulating his hands so that it looks like he’s waving to the neighborhood kids and drinking some hot apple cider.

2. Warning Sign- If you’re not going to be home this Halloween but still want the kiddies to have candy, you can sit your rotting corpse upright holding one of those plastic jack-o-lanterns full of candy. To make sure kids don’t take more than the alotted amount, leave a sign that says “this guy took more than two pieces of candy.”

3. Haunted House Prop-
Everyone and their mothers–or at least their mother’s children– loves going to Haunted Houses.  Normally though kids are so painfully aware about how fake all of the scare tactics thrown at them are, between spaghetti being used as intestines and what not. Solution: having a rotting corpse on hand will let them know how good they had it when they were feeling fake intestines. They’ll never take the experience for granted again.

4. Table- If you’re having a Halloween Party but are short on table space to put bowls of candy and other treats you’d like to put out for your guests, why not take two chairs of even height and balance your rotting corpse over the two.  Voila! You’ve got a decomposing table and plenty more surface area to rest those chips and empty cups.

5.  Date- Your former significant other is going to be at the Halloween party you’re planning to attend. You know she’s got a new man, but you’ve yet to move on and find someone else. Make her aware of just how much you don’t miss her by showing that even a rotting corpse can look hot in that sexy cat outfit she left in your closet after she moved out and broke your heart.

Alright, we’re not sure if anyone reading this has a rotting corpse floating around the house in your attic, or jammed into the closet, but if you do these are just a few ideas you might be able to pull off to make this Halloween special for both you and that thing you keep around for no reason that should probably be buried in a cemetery or cremated already–you extremely sick person.


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