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Living Out My Fantasies: Week One

Posted by evankessler on September 18, 2009

When drafting a Fantasy Football team there are clearly delusions of grandeur in mind.  You picture each member of your well oiled machine of a squad racking up gargantuan statistics the likes of which would regularly cause a member of the Elias sports bureau to call you up and congratulate you on your prescience heading into the football season.  How could one person, after all, know so much as to carefully assemble such a dominant array of players three times over and run the table in a league of able competitors that while knowledgeable are not the ominpotent super-being in question?

Then, week one hits and your fantasy scenario becomes a hard and fast dose of reality.  Your selections were iffy at best for no one can truly determine the future of statistical consistencies and anomalies when the pure chance caused by the occurrence of 300-lb bodies crashing into one another while an oblong ball flies through air is the means to which all of your hopefully fruitful predictions will reach their potentially logical end.

In layman’s terms, with one week down in the Fantasy Football season, the future is not looking bright enough for me to wear shades.  With three teams taking to the digital gridiron in week one of this NFL season only one of those hastily assembled units of compiled statistics emerged on the winning side of the numbers game that is the typical Fantasy league matchup. “Who Favre-ted?” of the God Bless Football Sundays league needed a  solid Monday night performance from Wes Welker of the New England Patriots and a mediocre performance from San Diego RB LaDainian Tomlinson to emerge with 93.03- 73.49 victory.  The rest were not so lucky.

Wes Welker Monday Night Fantasy Savior

Wes Welker Monday Night Fantasy Savior

Who Favre-ted?’s namesake in the Kazahkstan West league fell despite having what appeared to be a solid lineup highlighted by Aaron Rodgers, Houston Running Back Steve Slaton, near Super Bowl MVP Larry Fitzgerald and upstart Ravens runner Ray Rice.  Despite having a lineup that would make most teams shiver in Gore-tek water resistant snow boots, the on paper dominance was countered by a few game time truths as Slaton more or less woke up with fecal matter in his PJ’s and the hopeful breakout success of Indy WR Anthony Gonzalez was tempered by a not so friendly  posterior cruciate ligament in his right knee.  Game, set, match other team by the disappointing score of 125.24- 100.92

The Jets Defense Stymies Steve Slaton and My Fantasy Hopes and Dreams

The Jets Defense Stymies Steve Slaton and My Fantasy Hopes and Dreams

Finally, the Philadelphia Beagles of the New York Television Workers Fantasy Football league were hit with a double whammy of mediocrity as two of the team’s top three draft picks proclaimed with there play that they were perhaps forces that were easily reckoned with and perhaps didn’t much care for reckoning with others anyway.  Once again, first round pick and SD Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson doubled his disappointment by injuring himself during the Monday night game with the Raiders, and Steelers workhorse “Fast” Willie Parker revealed that his nickname should be reconsidered.  How does “Tentative” Willie Parker sound?  None too good for my fantasy football purposes that’s for sure.  The team had two shining stars in Indianapolis Colt receiver Reggie Wayne who racked up 162 receiving yards and long dormant former Giant tight end Jeremy Shockey, who held onto the ball in the opponents end zone two times.  Unfortunately, the negative greatly outweighted the positive and the echo of the  Beagles bark in the crowded fantasy arena carried about as far as the sound of a tree falling in the woods.  Yes, the beagles went out with quite a whimper by the score of 159.5-126.

Week One Fantasy Goat Wille Parker

Week One Fantasy Goat Wille Parker

One team up, two teams down, not such a great way to start the season.  But I have another announcement.  I have a 4th team on the way.  Late Wednesday night my friend Heather sent me an email asking if I wanted to be in another Fantasy Football league.  My first instinct was to say no and run very far away.  However, since there was no monetary input required of this league and no live draft, I decided the minimal effort suited me and thus my new team known as the “Gay Fish” was born.  We’ve yet to add any big or small names to our roster, but that day is on the horizon. And in my final non-vital announcement, I’ve decided that having two teams of the same name is entirely too confusing.  So I’ve changed Who Favre-ted of the God Bless Football Sundays league and they will now go by the dominating moniker of Hillside Honda…as in “Go Hillside Honda!”

While I’m hoping for much better luck next week, things are not looking up  “Fast” Willie Parker has a tough matchup yet again.  LaDainian Tomlinson has lost his ability to walk and not many of the other matchups look too favorable.  I can only cross my fingers, set my lineups, and get ready for some more football.  Good luck to all and may all your fantasies come true, two chicks at the same time or whatever they may be.


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