Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Welcome Back Football (or Three Reasons Why I won’t Get Laid Again Until At Least Late January)

Posted by evankessler on September 10, 2009


This evening, September 10th, saw a return to action on the Professional Pigskin field.  At the same time a call to inaction was issued in my very own bedroom.  It’s not like I’m some sort of super stud with a revolving door and a condom basket standing on a night table awaiting all members of the opposite sex who dare enter my lair.  It’s quite the opposite actually.  It’s very rare that I invite special people back to my den of shut eye.  While I don’t fancy myself the ladies man it’s not as if I don’t put forth any effort.  However, there are three specific things that will probably prevent me from both receiving and giving any sensual invitations this September through the frigid month of January.  These three things have nothing to do with my musical snobbery, my lack of impressive musculature or my sterling sense of humor.

This deadly trio of unsexiness are actually all of the same ilk, contained on the same general branch of dorkiness usually deemed unacceptable by the opposite sex.  That branch stems from the tree of Fantasy Sports and falls under the Football category.  Yes, this year I have three fantasy football teams.  If that fact doesn’t stop me from getting laid, then I’m not sure what will.


It all happened very innocently towards the end of July and beginning of August.  First an old childhood friend living in Hawaii put out an invitation on Facebook for anyone looking to join a league.  Unsure of whether the league I was in the prior year was starting up again, I jumped at the chance seeing as football is my favorite sport and not having a fantasy team for it leaves me empty inside.

Next up, I received an email confirming that the league I was in the previous year was in fact starting up again.  I nearly balked at renewing my membership seeing as there were more than a few questionable members of the league with whom I was none too pleased about their generally unacceptable demeanor.  Normally, Fantasy Football leagues are home to the most unsavory of behavior and you’ve got to go pretty far to cross a line, but some of the participants in said league certainly managed to bust through it like a running back barreling a good 15 yards past that digital first down marker. However, as the previous year’s points champion, I felt more than confident I could muster up some fake gridiron dominance yet again and went for it.

The final invitation came a few days later when a member of my Fantasy Baseball league suggested starting a new Football league featuring many of the same people in said league.  Despite already having my hands full with two teams, I jumped at the chance.  Even though I don’t know most of the members in this league very well, there’s a weird sense of camaraderie as it’s full of some of the most fun trash talkers I’ve ever had the privilege of trading barbs with.  The majority of the group is extremely funny, nobody is overly sensitive and save for a few stick in the muds, everyone participates in the daily ribbing.  Not only that, but we use my preferred web format for leagues whereas the other two use Yahoo, this one uses CBS sportsline.

What Do All 3 of These Teams Have in Common?  This Guy, Rams Kicker Josh Brown

What Do All 3 of These Teams Have in Common? This Guy, Rams Kicker Josh Brown

So, with three teams and three leagues, the last few weeks have been littered with research keeping my hands so busy I’ve asked my genitalia to grow their own pair if they’d like to remain satisfied.  I’m convinced that the nerdery involved in maintaining three teams will make me wholly unattractive to the opposite sex as well as the 45 lbs I will put on by simply sitting at my computer for entirely too long analyzing the best matchups each week.

I think the ideal situation for me or any fantasy sports fiend would be to find an attractive woman who can put up with such a blatantly dorky display or who can at least put up with intensely foraging for statistics on Sunday…or who doesn’t mind spending Sunday by herself.  Being a specific kind of nerd is a funny thing.  It seems that there are plenty of social acceptable forms of dorkiness like loving Sci Fi and owning every single comic book ever written.  However, there are women who find that form of nerd, sweet and endearing whereas sports obsession is generally frowned upon and creepy and loser-ish.  I say, to each their own.  A dork is a dork is a dork is a dork.   Whether you collect stamps or collect snuff films that sort of dedication is just a mere sampling of the attention we would  shower the right person should she learn to accept us, warts, 3rd string running backs and all.

Until I find that person, I’ve got three teams to manage.  That being said, things are looking good for “Who Favre-ted?” of the Kazakhstan West league and the similarly named team in the “God Bless Football Sundays” league.  With the first game in week one down though it looks like tough sledding ahead for my third and final “Philadelphia Beagles” but with hard work and dedication and proper guidance this season could end up being a winner…a sad, lonely, winner.


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