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Archive for September, 2009

The End of Days?

Posted by evankessler on September 30, 2009

We’re not sure whether you forgot to separate the plastic from the glass last week, or you decided to purchase a gas-guzzling SUV. Whatever you did mother nature is pissed off. Recently, the Earth has unleashed a flurry of destruction upon its inhabitants unmatched since theaters worldwide made people watch The Day After Tomorrow.

It all started with storms and subsequent deadly floods in the Philippines, which then carried on to Vietnam.  Next on the disaster timeline came Tuesday’s massive Samoan earthquake, which sent a deadly Tsunami roaring through the capital and put areas as far away as Hawaii and as near as California on watch.

As if three force majeures were not enough to have us shaking in our boots, this morning we were awakened by news of a second massive earthquake near Sumatra. Now we’re not sure if this is all just a big coincidence caused by shifting clouds and tectonic plates or it’s the end of days, but whatever you might have done to irk mother earth, kindly repent or build yourself an ark.

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Coffee? Ok, We’ll Try It

Posted by evankessler on September 29, 2009

Today millions upon millions of people worldwide ditched their morning glass of milk and vitamin tablets that they reserve for their daily AM kick in the pants, instead opting for that rare beverage delicacy often referred to as a “cuppa joe.” Today is National Coffee day and people are celebrating by ordering all forms of the strange, hot drink brewed from beans harvested in lands as near as Colombia and as distant as the Isle of Java, hoping it can provide the same pick-me-up as their normal, staid regimen.

There’s no definitive evidence that suggests the caffeinated concoction will become an everyday staple of the public’s consumption, but business upstarts such as Dunkin’ Donuts and the little known “Starbucks” are banking on it by offering  a vast array of “Café lattes” and “au laits” (whatever that means) in the hopes that by offering them every day they’ll soon become the best part of waking up.

While we wish those companies good luck on this National Coffee Day, we politely say, “No thanks.”  We can’t see ourselves straying from our morning glass of milk. This message is not in any way brought to you by the Dairy Farmers of America.

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OneRiot’s Day of Atonement

Posted by evankessler on September 28, 2009

We here at Oneriot would like to extend a notice of solidarity to our Jewish friends on this high holy day of Yom Kippur. Our stomachs are churning and growling in unison with yours, as we too are fasting in the hopes that at sundown all of our digital transgressions of the past year will be atoned for by the lord above.

The lunch hour has become somber and reflective as we think about all of the grammatical and spelling mistakes that we’ve occasionally peppered you with since beginning this great venture. We only hope that our steadfast adherence to the letter of rabbinical law will cleanse our fallible Internet-dwelling souls. We know that by denying ourselves the pleasure of that 1pm bagel or that 3:30pm bag of Cheetos our slate will be wiped clean (provided we can keep Carl from accounting from holding off that Rice Krispy treat he was brandishing earlier) and that whatever we eat after sundown, even if it’s from the British culinary family, will be delicious. Tomorrow we begin anew. Happy Yom Kippur.

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Living Out My Fantasies: Week 2-Role Reversal

Posted by evankessler on September 25, 2009

Last Sunday the fearsome foursome of Fantasy Football squads run by Evan Kessler hit the gridiron with one thing on their non-existent fantasy brains…Revenge.  Instead of being doormats of the fantasy lands they occupied on Yahoo and CBS Sportsline they were eyeing 100% domination.  While the previous week hadn’t brought complete failure on account of a victory by the now named Hillside Honda of the God Bless Football Sundays league, the three seasoned lineups and one newly auto-drafted faction of unparalleled digital athletes were out for pixelated plasma.  Two would be looking for a role reversal, turning themselves from losers to winners and subsequent enjoyers of chicken dinner.  One would attempt to maintain steadfast dominance, and finally a fourth would attempt to set a dominant tone out of the starting gate.

So how did it all work out?

Well, let’s just say there were more positives than negatives and a close call in between.  Who Favre-ted of the Kazahkstan West league came out with Wide Receivers and newly-minted marquee names a blazin’.  Thanks to an impressive performance by Darren Sproles and consistent work by Larry Fitzgerald and Percy Harvin , my team led by 25.90 points heading into Monday night.  I felt like this one was all wrapped up until I realized my opponent had Miami RB and regular wildcat Ronnie Brown in his lineup.  I didn’t think Ronnie could rack up 26 pts versus the Colts, but there was always the possibility.  As I took in the game a large part of my evening was spent staring in disbelief at the ease with which Miami’s offense could operate and eat up the clock.  Ronnie Brown had brought his team the lead in the actual game with his frequent touches and knack for moving the ball and as Peyton Manning and his team got the ball back with a chance to win the game in the final 3 plus minutes, Brown had brought my opponent within a point  of my score.  I hoped for a lengthy, clock killing game winning drive by Indy, but instead I got an immediate score that put Peyton and company in front of the fish with plenty of time to spare. Knowing full well that the dolphins needed a touchdown I held out hope that Pennington would be passing the ball frequently and none of those passes would go to the player who held the fate of my matchup in his hands.

Ronnie Brown: Bringing Me To The Brink of Defeat

Ronnie Brown: Bringing Me To The Brink of Defeat

The Dolphins last drive was nothing if not poorly managed.  Around the third play they handed the ball off to my nemesis.  The carry brought the game within three tenths of a point…and when the clock hit the zeros and the colts had won, that’s where it stood.  Who Favre-ted had preserved a close call by the score of 121.86 to 121.56

The other games were not so tense.   In the God Bless Football Sundays league, in a pronouncement of league dominance, Hillside Honda coasted to a 130.03-67.07 victory behind the dominant trio of Fred Jackson, Frank Gore, and Matt Ryan.  The Gay Fish in the US vs. Australia made it look equally as easy in it’s debut by dominating a feeble opponent from down under by the laughable score of 98-68, egged on by stellar performances from Phillip Rivers, Cedric Benson, and Marques Colston.

Unfortunately, that’s where the dominance ends.  Instead of putting the nail in the coffin of a perfect 4-0 football weekend there had to be a downside.  The Philadelphia Beagles of the by far more competitive and trash talk heavy NYTVW League took a hit for the 2nd consecutive week as they received a proper shellacking to the tune of 139.5-107.  The score may have been a lot closer had I decided to start Matt Schaub at QB, who happened to nearly literally explode against the Tennessee Titans, but in truth, I still wouldn’t have won.  The blame for the loss once again goes on my running game that more closely resembles an NFL leper colony.

None too pleased with the output of the four-headed backup-caliber monster known as Willie Parker, Lendale White, Ahmad Bradshaw, and the injured LaDainian Tomlinson I decided to make a move.  Unfortunately, that move required ridding my team of someone who didn’t resemble a diseased heap of rotting flesh…because you can’t really trade a diseased heap of rotting flesh.  So in order to gain a quality runner, I had to split with the self-proclaimed “interesting one,”  Chad “Esteban” Ochocinco.

Ochocinco, You Will Be Missed

Ochocinco, You Will Be Missed

It was painful to part with the “Hard Knocks” star, but it netted me New York Giants Running Back Brandon Jacobs, who has an absolutely sick schedule coming up, and a serviceable receiver in Jerricho Cotchery.  While this move doesn’t guarantee me a win heading into week 3, it’ll have to do in the meantime if this team is going to go to undergo a role reversal from zero to hero.

Brandon Jacobs (a.ka. The New Kid In Town)

Brandon Jacobs (a.ka. The New Kid In Town)

So two weeks down,  14 more to go before champions or crowned or left out in the cold.  It’s just getting fun…until it gets unfun and losses start happening more than wins.  That being said, after 2 weeks, I’m at 4-3.  Not a horrible place to be.

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Break on Through on the HIV Side

Posted by evankessler on September 25, 2009

Safe sex, not using needles, and being Magic Johnson are three ways to keep the virus that causes AIDS in check–though awareness of those factors has yet to alleviate the epidemic. We’ve long held out hope that science could come to the rescue and eliminate our fears of the deadly retrovirus, and alas it has finally given hints that it is willing to extend its equivalent of a cooperative helping hand.

A new vaccine tested in Thailand has been shown to decrease the risk of contracting HIV by 31%. The world’s largest AIDS Vaccine trial, sponsored by the US Army and the National Institute of Infectious Diseases, took a sample of 16,000 participants administering half with dummy shots and the other half with the vaccine.

The result proved to be a significant moment in showing that the fight to end the spread of AIDS is perhaps a winnable one. We imagine it’ll be another few years before the vaccine goes into production if additional tests end up proving this to be the real deal. Meanwhile, we don’t recommend getting all handsy and beyond without protection, because the alternative is none too appealing.

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Pittsburgh Hosts Super Bowl of Protesting

Posted by evankessler on September 25, 2009

It’s been quite the year for raucous street gatherings in Pittsburgh. The Steel City has hosted parades for both the Super Bowl and Stanley Cup champions, which means they’ve had plenty of practice for this week’s Super Bowl of Protesting.  The G20 is in town and just as sure as every NFL game has a coin toss before the kickoff, you can be sure that each time this group of 20 finance ministers and central bank governors from around the globe get together to discuss pressing issues such as how to prevent further global economic crisis– they’ll be met with a few spirited protests all in the name of “Anti-capitalism.”

Inevitably when the unstoppable force of the global economy meets a stubbornly immovable object, such as defiant protesters marauding through the city center and smashing up shops– the riot police must be called in.  And wouldn’t you know it, like clockwork, that’s just what happened.

When faced with an unruly mob of 2,000 non-fans of the G20 unit, cops resorted to the use of tear gas and baton-charges until a gaggle of only 300 dissenters remained. Despite the level of violence and disorder on opening day of the event, police seem relatively relieved that this whole thing is going down in Pittsburgh and not in Philly.

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Everybody Hates Moammar

Posted by evankessler on September 23, 2009

Leading a nation associated with supporting terrorism, and giving a hero’s welcome to the convicted Lockerbie bomber a few weeks back, hasn’t help alleviate any infamy associated with Moammar Ghadafi.  So, it should come as no surprise that on his first trip to the States in 40 years, the longstanding Libyan ruler has more or less had the welcome mat yanked from under his feet.

In town for the UN General Assembly, Ghadafi has had heaps of trouble finding a suitable station to rest his weary head. It seems not many towns want to court controversy along with angry protests to their very doorstep. After being rejected from multiple locations, Ghadafi’s brief nomadic meanderings around the New York Metropolitan area came to an end when he found a nice spot owned by Donald Trump to pitch his literal tent.

Unfortunately the town of Bedford, where said tent was pitched, seemed none too pleased with the Colonel setting up camp and have since ordered a halt to the erection of Ghadafi’s quarters. With his state of temporary residence again in flux and no doubt weighing heavily on his diplomatic heart, the Colonel delivered an angry speech to the UN General Assembly– blasting the Security Council and probably not earning many standing ovations. The amalgam of thankless circumstances has probably set the stage for the Libyan leader’s hasty exit via the first flight to Tripoli, which is a shame since there are so many nice things to see in the area provided you can get a reasonable hotel room.

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Circle K Goes Viral

Posted by evankessler on September 22, 2009

The current lay of the cultural landscape is littered with several kinds of social media consumers. There are the casual users who are just trying to stay connected; the recreational users who find great entertainment value in the frequent status updates and interactive nature of socializing with those you can’t be near; and then there are the wholly self-obsessed who are convinced that their every move is of paramount importance on a global scale and thus worthy of the other two group’s time.

You can count Indonesian film director Joko Anwar as a member of the latter social “me”dia generation. The director of such films as Pintu terlarang and Dead Time: Kala wielded his sword of net arrogance to more or less make convenience mart Circle K a household name for the first time since Bill and Ted traveled through time from a phone booth outside of one.

Anwar announced via his twitter page that once his followers topped the 3,000 mark, he would be making a rather naked jaunt to everyone’s favorite store named after a shape-enclosed letter– assuming of course that 3,000 people wanted to see him naked buying a bottle of iced tea. The director’s challenge predictably proved the unfortunate fact that there are enough people who are more than willing to encourage such self-aggrandizing, yet wholly desperate seeming behavior. Within minutes Circle K was trending all over the net and Anwar was over 3,000 followers. It used to be people would do anything for a buck, now it’s just for some digital disciples and a soft drink. Unfortunately for Circle K employees, they’ll be seeing a very naked Indonesian film director very soon.

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Syko Suspected in Slaying

Posted by evankessler on September 21, 2009

We’ve never been accused of a single or even multiple homicide, but we’d imagine that the most difficult part of receiving a fair hearing from a jury of your peers on such charges is the fact that the word “murderer” even with the word “alleged” in front of it carries a pretty negative stigma akin to strike one.  While strikes two and three are usually reserved for damning evidence (or rappers with the name C-Murder) and a subsequent judicial ruling, one potential inmate may have handed over all of the proof beyond a reasonable doubt necessary for cementing his conviction in the minds of jurors with his choice of artistic expression and his knack for picking an appropriate pseudonym. A 20-year-old California-based Horrorcore rapper, going by the name of Syko Sam, is accused of murdering a Virginia Pastor and three others at the home of a Longwood University professor 50 miles outside of Richmond over the weekend.

Syko Sam, whose real name Richard Alden Samuel McCroskey III makes him sound like a 3rd generation Yale legacy, wrote extremely dark lyrics describing the thrill of watching dying victims last breaths and a love of stabbing– amongst other twisted fantasies. We hate to plant our feet  in the “murderer” box on our jump to conclusions mat solely based on some effed up lyrics and a name (after all, we don’t think “The Killers” have actually killed anybody), but there’s some additional none-too-friendly evidence on the suspect’s myspace page linking him to a weekend rendezvous with one teen victim– not to mention the fact that he’s thought to have split from the scene of the crime in one of the victim’s cars.

While we’re firm believers that “innocent until proven guilty” and artistic expression don’t often see eye to eye,  there can sometimes be a thin line between talk and action that warrants our attention.  This might be an example of the latter.

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Living Out My Fantasies: Week One

Posted by evankessler on September 18, 2009

When drafting a Fantasy Football team there are clearly delusions of grandeur in mind.  You picture each member of your well oiled machine of a squad racking up gargantuan statistics the likes of which would regularly cause a member of the Elias sports bureau to call you up and congratulate you on your prescience heading into the football season.  How could one person, after all, know so much as to carefully assemble such a dominant array of players three times over and run the table in a league of able competitors that while knowledgeable are not the ominpotent super-being in question?

Then, week one hits and your fantasy scenario becomes a hard and fast dose of reality.  Your selections were iffy at best for no one can truly determine the future of statistical consistencies and anomalies when the pure chance caused by the occurrence of 300-lb bodies crashing into one another while an oblong ball flies through air is the means to which all of your hopefully fruitful predictions will reach their potentially logical end.

In layman’s terms, with one week down in the Fantasy Football season, the future is not looking bright enough for me to wear shades.  With three teams taking to the digital gridiron in week one of this NFL season only one of those hastily assembled units of compiled statistics emerged on the winning side of the numbers game that is the typical Fantasy league matchup. “Who Favre-ted?” of the God Bless Football Sundays league needed a  solid Monday night performance from Wes Welker of the New England Patriots and a mediocre performance from San Diego RB LaDainian Tomlinson to emerge with 93.03- 73.49 victory.  The rest were not so lucky.

Wes Welker Monday Night Fantasy Savior

Wes Welker Monday Night Fantasy Savior

Who Favre-ted?’s namesake in the Kazahkstan West league fell despite having what appeared to be a solid lineup highlighted by Aaron Rodgers, Houston Running Back Steve Slaton, near Super Bowl MVP Larry Fitzgerald and upstart Ravens runner Ray Rice.  Despite having a lineup that would make most teams shiver in Gore-tek water resistant snow boots, the on paper dominance was countered by a few game time truths as Slaton more or less woke up with fecal matter in his PJ’s and the hopeful breakout success of Indy WR Anthony Gonzalez was tempered by a not so friendly  posterior cruciate ligament in his right knee.  Game, set, match other team by the disappointing score of 125.24- 100.92

The Jets Defense Stymies Steve Slaton and My Fantasy Hopes and Dreams

The Jets Defense Stymies Steve Slaton and My Fantasy Hopes and Dreams

Finally, the Philadelphia Beagles of the New York Television Workers Fantasy Football league were hit with a double whammy of mediocrity as two of the team’s top three draft picks proclaimed with there play that they were perhaps forces that were easily reckoned with and perhaps didn’t much care for reckoning with others anyway.  Once again, first round pick and SD Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson doubled his disappointment by injuring himself during the Monday night game with the Raiders, and Steelers workhorse “Fast” Willie Parker revealed that his nickname should be reconsidered.  How does “Tentative” Willie Parker sound?  None too good for my fantasy football purposes that’s for sure.  The team had two shining stars in Indianapolis Colt receiver Reggie Wayne who racked up 162 receiving yards and long dormant former Giant tight end Jeremy Shockey, who held onto the ball in the opponents end zone two times.  Unfortunately, the negative greatly outweighted the positive and the echo of the  Beagles bark in the crowded fantasy arena carried about as far as the sound of a tree falling in the woods.  Yes, the beagles went out with quite a whimper by the score of 159.5-126.

Week One Fantasy Goat Wille Parker

Week One Fantasy Goat Wille Parker

One team up, two teams down, not such a great way to start the season.  But I have another announcement.  I have a 4th team on the way.  Late Wednesday night my friend Heather sent me an email asking if I wanted to be in another Fantasy Football league.  My first instinct was to say no and run very far away.  However, since there was no monetary input required of this league and no live draft, I decided the minimal effort suited me and thus my new team known as the “Gay Fish” was born.  We’ve yet to add any big or small names to our roster, but that day is on the horizon. And in my final non-vital announcement, I’ve decided that having two teams of the same name is entirely too confusing.  So I’ve changed Who Favre-ted of the God Bless Football Sundays league and they will now go by the dominating moniker of Hillside Honda…as in “Go Hillside Honda!”

While I’m hoping for much better luck next week, things are not looking up  “Fast” Willie Parker has a tough matchup yet again.  LaDainian Tomlinson has lost his ability to walk and not many of the other matchups look too favorable.  I can only cross my fingers, set my lineups, and get ready for some more football.  Good luck to all and may all your fantasies come true, two chicks at the same time or whatever they may be.

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