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Archive for August, 2009

The “Squeaky” Wheel Gets Greased from Prison

Posted by evankessler on August 14, 2009

There are bad months and then there are BAD MONTHS.  In September 1975, then President Gerald Ford had a BAD MONTH when he was met by not one, but two potential lady assassins in a 15-day span.  While showing obvious holes in Secret Service protection neither proved themselves as handy with a firearm as say, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes- Boothe, or even John Hinckley.  The first, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme’s gun did not go off while Sarah Jane Moore ended up getting
wrestled to the ground before inflicting only the slightest damage on a nearby cab driver.

Since mother nature eventually finished off the job on the former President Ford in a more natural manner in December of 2006, both of his potential executioners have since washed up on the shores of freedom.  Sarah Jane Moore had her life sentence commuted in 2007 and today Squeaky Fromme, former member of Charles Manson‘s motley crew of murderously insane followers will bask in the glow of sunshine outside the walls of prison after 34 long years.  Despite a relatively sordid
and violent prison past including attacking another inmate with a hammer back in 1979 and an escape from prison camp back in 1987, the Squeaky wheel has greased herself out of the joint.  Let’s just hope she doesn’t show up at any town hall meetings or request any conjugal visits with her helter skelter daddy.

 

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International Left-Hander’s Day!

Posted by evankessler on August 13, 2009

Being left-handed can be both an affliction and a blessing.  While many lefties are said to be geniuses, the act of transferring the brilliance they possess from pen to paper is often met with smeared ink.  Lefties have faced much hardship in their lives, from sitting next to a righty at the dinner table to engaging in a proper handshake with someone of the opposite-handed persuasion, and lest we forget looking ever so awkward with a pair scissors.  The lefty must persevere through a childhood of bitter strife in which the other 90% of the population tells them they are doing things all wrong or that they’re not patriotic unless they put their right hand over their heart during the pledge of allegiance.

For all of the discrimination and difficulty they are forced to endure, they emerge a stronger, savvier southpaw, and for that they deserve their own day of honor.  So here’s to all of the Sandy Koufaxes, Barack Obamas, William Jefferson Clintons, Leonardo Da Vincis,(Evan Kesslers) and Paul McCartneys of the world who despite not feeling comfortable at their right-handed desk have been able to etch their names as more than just a footnote in the pages of history. Today August 13th is your day, International Left-Hander’s day. Grasp it in the hand everyone says you shouldn’t use and don’t let go.

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Facebook Lite to Help with Your Digital Diet

Posted by evankessler on August 12, 2009

We weren’t aware that Facebook was helping us pack on the pounds. Sure, downing that whole box of 60 munchkins while we came up with that awesome “how well do you know Oneriot?” quiz might have been responsible for a little weight gain, but it’s nothing we couldn’t have worked off with some intense physical activity a la a heated game of Scramble or a little Super Poke aerobics now and again.

That being said, the makers of Facebook know that in this age of frivolous lawsuits it was probably better for them to cut some fat and offer a lower carb option of their addictive service  rather than face a lawsuit from some overly litigious and overweight Internet fiends who claim that Facebook-ing is responsible for their dual cases of carpal tunnel and digital diabetes.

In the effort to make their site more heart healthy Facebook is now beta testing Facebook Lite. While the details are still a little fuzzy on just what low calorie content will be used to sweeten the less fattening sister of the social networking site extraordinaire, one might think they could include some sort of calorie counting system letting you know when you’ve had too much Facebook for one day to the point where it’s hurting your productivity and your waistline.

However, there is no hint of such a feature in the early screen shots, which show that the scaled down version appears to have far fewer ingredients than its application-stuffed sibling. Rather than clogging those pixelated arteries on your screen with requests, suggestions, highlights, and boxes galore– Facebook lite seems to mainly focus on the status updates of your friends. Hmm, we think we’ve heard of another similar online dietary supplement like that. It starts with a T and ends with an R, but for the life of us we can’t remember the letters in between.

 

 

 

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Teens Like Like What They Like

Posted by evankessler on August 10, 2009

About five-sevenths of those in the proper age range to be referred to as “Teens” may not have the right to vote, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be blessed with the burden of choice. What better way to bestow upon the adolescent population their very own right to choose by giving them an award show in which they basically tell you what you already knew they liked?

Yes, everyone who induces shrieking in those between the ages of 13 and 19 was on hand to be honored at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, a shocking ceremony held at the Gibson Theater in Los Angeles on Sunday night.  The kids let their ballots (or however they vote) do the obsessed, high-pitched wailing that only dogs can hear.

As soon as Lassie got the message loud and clear it was apparent that the kids thought enough of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart‘s performance in their light-hearted, not-at-all brooding, good-time vampire romp, Twilight, that they saw fit to award them both for it. The film went on to snag 11 awards in total.

Meanwhile, the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus surprised everyone by taking home five and six awards respectively, possibly in the music category or maybe just in the cute boyz and girlz department. The show also saw the aforementioned acts separately involved in two of the most beguiling moments in world pop culture history.  The first occurred when one of the Jonas Brothers (Gary?) had his hair cut by Mike Tyson.  Call us crazy, but we just don’t trust putting scissors in the hands of a guy with a face tattoo who has bitten off ears.  For the evening’s 2nd oddest moment, Miley Cyrus actually referred to Britney Spears as “my hero.”  Oh those teens, when they choose to be, they can be quite unpredictable.  To catch all of the wacky action, check out the show tonight on FOX!

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What Will Become of Our Zip Codes?

Posted by evankessler on August 7, 2009

Neighborhood mutts familiar with the pant leg of their trusty mail carrier may have to get acquainted with some new combinations of fabric and leg meat with the news that the US Poslal Service is considering closing or scaling down 700 locations.  Ever since they chose to produce the skinny Elvis stamp over the fat one, the nation’s mail carrier has fallen on hard times .  It seems people are snailing letters less and less and relying on a new technology called “E-mail” that doesn’t require inexplicably affixing photos of Bighorn Sheep or American Flags to the corner of an envelope containing your response to a summons on charges of treason at additional cost.

Everyone's Favorite Stamp

Everyone's Favorite Stamp

That being said, many Americans will be forced to walk or drive an extra mile (through six feet of snow no less) to find a new local mail center for which to request return receipts and send little cousin Billy his birthday chemistry set and/or model rocketship. The real question remains…what will become of our zip codes?

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Paula Rush Rushes From Idol Spotlight

Posted by evankessler on August 5, 2009

Paula Abdul at the 15th Screen Actors Guild Aw...

Image via Wikipedia

Fame is a fleeting and foul mistress. No one should know this better than our homegirl Paula Abdul. After all, the former Laker Girl enjoyed a meteoric rise to the top in the late 80’s and early 90’s with the help of  a less-than-stellar singing voice accompanied by sassy choreography, an Arsenio Hall cameo, a Cartoon Kat, and a video in which she totally got down and deep with Keanu Reeves.

Despite reaching the top of the pop charts Abdul all but disappeared from public view for the better part of seven years. When she finally emerged in 2002 as a judge on the brand new talent contest American Idol, like most viewers, we briefly wondered just what qualified Ms. Abdul to serve as the benevolent genie of pop star dreams. She quickly endeared herself to the viewing audience, however,  with her penchant for medicated antics and her willingness to put up a fight with her callous British co-star and that guy who always says, “dawg.”

Before we knew it we had welcomed her into our homes. She was that non-blood related lady we called “aunt,”  who always encouraged us to do our best no matter how untalented we were.  She showed us that there was always something sweet in the lemon juice of suckitude and we loved her for that.  Now after nine seasons of welcoming her into our home, Ms. Abdul has slammed the screen door shut right in our collective faces as she has announced that there will never be another Clarkson, Guarini, grey-haired guy, Aiken, Studdard, girl who couldn’t read, or Carrie Underwood touched by her magic wand of talent evaluation.

That’s right, Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol and no amount of money (except for possibly $2 million more a year) will bring her back.  Watching American Idol will never be the same…save for the lame talent singing cover versions of past hits without any semblance of feeling.  Paula, you will be missed.  Good luck on continuing your music career–or enjoy the scenery in whichever black hole you may fall into this time around.

Baby it seems those idol judges could never agree, some liked Clarkson, and some liked Guarini.  Simon was serious and Paula was nice. Randy was as cool as Vanilla Ice. Things in common, they didn’t have one, but when they hosted idol it was nothing but fun.

 

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Walmart Outscouting the Girl Scouts

Posted by evankessler on August 4, 2009

Girl Scouts of the United States of America

Image via Wikipedia

Lately it seems that Wal-mart has taken a bit of a break from its busy schedule of destroying small town infrastructure and putting mom and pop shops out to pasture, by taking the time to institute more friendly or at least “green” initiatives.  Alas, maintaining the do good mentality of the corporate behemoth boasting low, low prices –for various products made in China– seemed to be all but an afterthought, when everyone’s favorite superstore decided to outmuscle everyone’s favorite adorably non-profit cookie sellers…for a profit, of course.

Walmart recently announced that it would be impinging on the Girl Scouts‘ precious territory by releasing their own versions of those ever-so tasty Tagalogs and suitably scrumptious Thin Mint cookies. From now on consumers hungry for that sweet sweet taste of empowered female youth learning to build character and skills for success in the real world, will be able to indulge their sweet tooth without that nasty aftertaste that is the charitable donation. Instead, each time they purchase said cookies at their favorite unflinchingly profitable everything-for-less emporium, they’ll have the comfort of knowing that the rich have just gotten richer, while the poor, well let’s just hope they can sell a shitload of Samosas.

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Google CEO Dates Two Phones at Once

Posted by evankessler on August 3, 2009

Eric E. Schmidt, Chairman and CEO of Google In...

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Dr. Eric Schmidt had quite the conundrum. You see, Eric had both an iPhone and a Google Android and didn’t know which one to use. Choosing between smart phones isn’t really the most life altering of quandaries, but it is when you’re the CEO of Google and a member of the Apple Board of Directors.

Needless to say, it would be kind of awkward if you were at an Apple Board meeting and pulled out your Google Android to answer an emergency call and vice versa. The dilemma sort of reminds us of that Three’s Company episode where Jack had to decide which Swedish stewardess to go on a date with, ultimately choosing the one that doesn’t require that he be tethered to AT&T’s crappy network.

So in keeping with Jack Tripper‘s lead Schmidt ditched his iPhone and ultimately the Apple Board of Directors, nipping the conflict of interest in the bud.  Word is he’s quite happy with his Android and will continue to be until the next sexy young phone thing comes along.

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