Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Flu-Shaped Asteroid About to Hit U.S.

Posted by evankessler on August 25, 2009

When the best case scenario for this thing we call life is the fact that we’re all gonna die someday, it seems kinda pointless to pay attention to the worst case scenario– which is something along the lines of “we’re all going to die in the next three minutes!” Fortunately, the latter of those two scenarios usually only threatens to rear it’s ugly head in the form of nuclear warfare, alien invasion or anything that occurred in a film released during the summer blockbuster seasons of the mid-to-late 1990’s. Today, however, the White House (after a viewing of the 1995 film Outbreak) stoked the fires of doomsday as though a giant pig-shaped asteroid were hurtling towards Washington DC.
The President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology announced that 30,000 to 90,000 people could conceivably die of Swine Flu, more than doubling the yearly average of flu season fatalities. Health and Human Services  Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and company are doing their damnedest to just kinda let us know that we could end up in the hospital– or worse, dead– by years end. Probably neither, but it’s totally a possibility.
So OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid or at least be cautious. And if you kinda feel sick, go to a doctor. In closing we’d like to thank the White House for transforming our state of blissful ignorance on matters of the inevitable into our current state of hypochondria. Maybe now we’ll feel motivated to get more done seeing as we might go at any moment.

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