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Archive for August, 2009

Disney Bulks Up Marvel-ous Arsenal

Posted by evankessler on August 31, 2009

Prior to this Monday, you’d have looked at the cast of Disney characters and said that at best the likes of Mickey, Donald, and Miley Cyrus were somewhat effeminate. The most imposing creations spawned by the ghost of Walt and the continuing business sense of Roy were perhaps the throngs of screaming teenage girls waiting in line to get into a Jonas Brothers concert; that lady who hated Dalmatians; or Michael Eisner. In an effort to upgrade the Magic Kingdom‘s roster and transform inhabitants of the make believe monarchy into fearsome defenders of the Frontierland front lines, Disney sought out the soldiers of comic book fortune, ponying up four billion Sacajawea coins to acquire Marvel Entertainment.

The Hall of Presidents and It’s A Small World After All ride are now crowded with over 5,000 superheroes, mutants, and general badasses from the pages of countless Marvel titles including Iron Man, X-Men, and Spider Man (just to name a few). The announcement caused a subsequent surge in Disney stock, which pleased Scrooge McDuck who had even more cold hard coinage to swim through.

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MJ Alive, Caught on Tape, Probably Working With Elvis

Posted by evankessler on August 27, 2009

Last year’s “Chinese Democracy” album from Guns ‘n’ Roses may have been one of the most anticipated albums in decades, but it pales in comparison to the bubbling excitement over the upcoming release by multi-genre supergroup The Pearly Gates– entitled “Enter The Pearly Gates.” The band has been working hard since 1977 when their lead singer Elvis Presley faked his own death in anticipation of all of the other musical talents he could recruit to fake their own deaths and record, what has long been billed as, the “most important album of all-time.”

While Presley has been laying down initial tracks with the help of Kurt Cobain, Liberace, and Tupac, the final piece of the production puzzle was completed back in July when the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, faked his own death (years after being courted by Elvis through his daughter and MJ’s wife Lisa Marie).  Most people took MJ’s demise for the real thing, what with that impressive memorial service and a handy medical scapegoat, but with the emergence of recent video footage of someone slightly resembling the gloved one emerging from a coroner‘s van, it’s all pretty apparent that the thrones of both the King of Pop and The King are still warm.

While the album might take on an entirely different direction with Jackson’s added melodic sensibilities, it’s still expected to cut across all musical boundaries and transcend dimensions to affect both the dead and the living. Assuming we’re correct about the fact that all of those people involved in the album aren’t actually dead and the video of Jackson getting out of the coroner’s van is valid, expect the album to drop in about 9 years or so– just in time for the 2018 Comeback Special.

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Ted Kennedy 1932-2009

Posted by evankessler on August 26, 2009

Ted Kennedy

Image via Wikipedia

Edward Moore Kennedy led a life that was marred by tragedy and scandal. As the brother of two political giants plucked from this earth well before their time by assassins, and another a victim to the horrors of war, the man they affectionately called “Teddy” could have opted for a life out of the public spotlight.

After the infamous 1969 incident at Chappaquiddick in which his passenger Mary Jo Kopechne was killed after the Senator drove his car off of a bridge, not many people would argue for the cause of Ted Kennedy’s American Sainthood.  Yet, in the face of his own personal horrors and wrongdoing, Ted Kennedy possessed the knowing gift that his job as the Senator from the great state of Massachusetts was bigger than himself, even bigger than the size of his home state and the people in it, and certainly bigger than his transgressions.

Ted Kennedy accepted the tired, poor, and huddled masses of the United States of America and did his very best to make their experience every bit as charmed as his own upbringing. In more than four decades of service to the United States Senate, Kennedy fought tooth and nail to bring about important improvements in areas such as civil rights, immigration, health care, education and much, much more.

In large part due to the effort of the liberal senator from Massachusetts, the United States is a better place today.  Although the Lion of the Senate roars no more, he’s left an indelible echo in the hallowed halls of the Senate. He will be missed.

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Flu-Shaped Asteroid About to Hit U.S.

Posted by evankessler on August 25, 2009

When the best case scenario for this thing we call life is the fact that we’re all gonna die someday, it seems kinda pointless to pay attention to the worst case scenario– which is something along the lines of “we’re all going to die in the next three minutes!” Fortunately, the latter of those two scenarios usually only threatens to rear it’s ugly head in the form of nuclear warfare, alien invasion or anything that occurred in a film released during the summer blockbuster seasons of the mid-to-late 1990’s. Today, however, the White House (after a viewing of the 1995 film Outbreak) stoked the fires of doomsday as though a giant pig-shaped asteroid were hurtling towards Washington DC.
The President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology announced that 30,000 to 90,000 people could conceivably die of Swine Flu, more than doubling the yearly average of flu season fatalities. Health and Human Services  Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and company are doing their damnedest to just kinda let us know that we could end up in the hospital– or worse, dead– by years end. Probably neither, but it’s totally a possibility.
So OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid or at least be cautious. And if you kinda feel sick, go to a doctor. In closing we’d like to thank the White House for transforming our state of blissful ignorance on matters of the inevitable into our current state of hypochondria. Maybe now we’ll feel motivated to get more done seeing as we might go at any moment.

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Venezuela Trumps Them All

Posted by evankessler on August 24, 2009

It had all of the ingredients of an elegant Donald Trump bash; Eighty-three exotic women from all over the world paraded around the stage at the Atlantis Resort and Casino in the Bahamas, alternating between swimsuits and night gowns as Billy Bush pretended to be interested in their answers to questions pertaining to womens lib and other pressing issues of the day, whilst simultaneously staring at their chests.  Yes, it was called the Miss Universe Pageant and it couldn’t have been more classy had Heidi Montag not been performing her new un-hit single “Body Language.” Yes,all the stars were there…including Dean Cain.
For these lifelong pageant hopefuls, years of preparation and layers upon layers of makeup had all been leading up this moment; the moment one of them would be chosen to wear the Miss Universe crown so that they could travel around the world for one whole year,gracefully waving to strangers before eventually falling victim to a life of sex slavery, hosting Entertainment Tonight, or better yet–  a career in Telenovelas.
When the dust settled and all was said and done, Miss Venezuela- Stefanía Fernández– was the one everyone was calling the most beautiful girl in the Universe. The win marked the second straight year Venezuela took the crown, proving that despite our nation’s view of him as being kind of a dictatorial douche, Hugo Chavez is pretty lucky for getting to live in Venezuela.

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Britney Spears Fan Swipes Chihuahua

Posted by evankessler on August 21, 2009

It was a hot, sweaty, steamy July night in the Magic City; the kind of night ripe for a description of a fictionalized account of a heinous crime.The crowd at Georgie’s Alibi, the Wilton Manners area of Miami’s premiere gay bar, was positively jumping. The throbbing music was making the crowd move, and the birthday party being held had the patrons giving off a positively radiant vibe.

Little Hudson Hayward Hemingway was looking good as he sat in his specialty bag scoping out the crowd, clad in his own soft pink coat accented by the pink earrings on his furry yet pointy four-month-old chihuahua ears and not barking at anyone.

Cher‘s “Believe” blasted through the speakers and Triple H’s 48-year old owner Brian Dortort shot a look over at his new best friend as if to say, “I believe in life after love as long as I have my adorable pup that I can dress up in a totally ridiculous manner.” Just like that the DJ switched it up and put on Britney Spears‘ latest hit “Radar.” All of the sudden the Britney Spears tattoo on the neck of an anonymous patron was activated. The tingle in his neck ink sent a message to his brain that the gayest thing in the room had to be his.

With cold precision, like Reggie Jackson on a mission to kill the Queen of England, said bar patron made for Hudson Hayward Hemingway and snatched him up, leaving under the cloak of blackness and beats that characterizes most Miami nights. It’s been nearly one month since H3 was snatched and while local police have continued the search with one suspect in mind, they’ve yet to bring in Dan Marino for questioning.

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Islam Gears Up for Comic Con ’10

Posted by evankessler on August 20, 2009

The Islamic religion has never had what you would call a shortage of positive role models. Telling the stories of beloved prophets in action-packed bursts, however, has never been much of an easy task–seeing as the constant repetition of the words “peace be upon him” seems to hinder the ebb and flow of any story.
Kuwaiti Clinical psychologist Dr Naif al-Mutawa has remedied the storytelling issues and the longstanding lack of a Muslim nerd contingent at the annual comic con in one fell swoop– with the creation of the world’s first Muslim superheroes. The good Dr. created The 99 after realizing the stories he knew came from men who supported leaders like Saddam as their role models, only to end up being tortured by them. Al-Mutawa wanted to create heroes that could embody and spread the Islamic values of generosity and mercy. 

The result is a bevy of costume clad titans, each of whom are blessed with one of Allah‘s (peace be upon him) 99 attributes that they in-turn use to fight evil. Characters include burka-clad Batina the Hidden, the Incredible Hulk-esque Jabbar the Powerful, and Khan-The-Winged who harnessed the power of flight after a freak accident in which he was unjustly detained at a  US Airport (just kidding).

While the characters have already taken the Arab world by storm, they’re set to conquer the British small screen, thanks to Endemol– the production company behind Big Brother–  who along with the heroes creator  hopes they can have universal appeal provided one of the characters gets voted off at the end of each show.

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Barney Gets Frank

Posted by evankessler on August 19, 2009

If there’s one thing I learned in my several years of Hebrew School and through my general intake of world history since, it’s that we of the Hebrew persuasion are not really big fans of Nazis. It probably has something to do with the fact that that Adolph Schicklgruber and company tried to wipe us off the face of the earth with a little something that was quite the opposite of Universal Health Care, called “Genocide”. 

So it should stand to reason that not only would Jewish people not readily support any policies that are even vaguely Nazi-esque in their conception, but that we would also take great offense to any such suggestion that we do in fact stand for any of  those ol’ brown shirt style values. That hasn’t stopped a few extreme crazies from hurling such inclinations in the general direction of a few chosen people and the president (who last time we checked was a minority not in the good graces of the Nazi party).

The most recent incident occurred at a Massachusetts Town Hall meeting, where a clueless party toting an Obama as Hitler poster questioned as to why Rep. Barney Frank was indeed supporting policies that would do Hitler proud.  Rep. Frank who is gay, Jewish, and a real American hero proceeded to then lay the smack down on the ignorant inquirer, setting the example for other members of congress on just how the woefully uninformed and unruly are to be dealt with–and for that we salute him.
Check out the clip in all of it’s glory below:

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The Favrian Era Rages On

Posted by evankessler on August 18, 2009

#4 of Brett Favre in Green Bay Packers colors.

Image via Wikipedia


A year and a half ago, on a solemn March afternoon in Green Bay, Wisconsin; Brett Favre, one of Football’s most beloved QB’s rode off into the sunset in a tear-soaked goodbye to the Packer faithful. #4 then spent the next couple of months wavering in between wanting to tell the Packers that he might unretire and staying put at home in Mississippi,  finally deciding to come back only to find out that the team that made him had so unceremoniously moved on in his absence. This didn’t sit well with the self-important deity of the cheesehead movement. He demanded to be given his release and made a silent vow to stick it to his former teammates once he was crowned the new savior of one of their NFC North rivals.

The only problem was, he didn’t end up playing for a Packer rival.  Favre ended up playing for the Jets, leading them to a mediocre record of 9 wins and 7 losses and picking up the all-time TD record to accompany his all-time interception record.  With the playoffs a mere pipe dream it appeared the Favrian era had ended once again.

There was little fanfare and nary a tear shed this time as no one could believe that the wishy-washy one was done.  Just when people were starting to believe the hype that Brett had decided to wait for Hall of Fame enshrinement instead of throw a bevy of interceptions as sportscasters continued to heap unnecessary praise upon him, number four pulled another 180 (effectively turning it into a 900 at this point, but really who’s counting).  As of today, it looks as though Brett Favre will be wearing a Minnesota Vikings uniform and attempting to stick it to the Packers twice this year. It’s surely a welcome site for two guys who thought they’d be competing for the 1st string QB job.  Well Sage and Tarvaris better luck next year.  The Favrian era and ego continues.


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Racial Profiling Strikes Again

Posted by evankessler on August 17, 2009

me don, shah rukh don!

Image by grand.jeté via Flickr

Racial Profiling has been a longstanding tradition in the United States of America. If you’re brown and weren’t in the movie Slumdog Millionaire odds are someone in a position of authority thinks you’reeither a terrorist, a burglar hell bent on ransacking the homes of prominent Harvard Professors, or worse, a socialist Nazi who wants to turn us all into a helpless gaggle of able bodied citizens with guaranteed health care.  The African-American population could tell you some stories over a beer with the President if you’d like.

Tradition aside, it had seemed like the practice of profiling had died down over the past few weeks in the wake of some sort of controversial incident in Massachusetts of which we’re totally unaware of the specifics.  Leave it to the great state of New Jersey to bring back a grand ol’ tradition in style just in time for torrid news period that is the month of August. Over the weekend the vigilant officials at Newark Airport (i.e. The Center of the Universe) had their suspicions trained on one particular passenger.  Maybe it was the movie star good looks of Shah Rukh Khan that caught their eye, or his Muslim name, or the fact that he knew he had that certain something–that certain something that screams I’m either a really big star or I want to probably kill a lot of people, people who are currently asking for my autograph. Unfortunately for the Newark Airport officials, they would come to find out it was the former.
Shah Rukh Khan, one of the biggest actors in Bollywood currently on the road promoting a film about the racial profiling of Indian Muslims after 9/11, was ironically detained and questioned as part of a “secondary inspection” for over one hour by airport authorities  who subsequently found out that he was not planning on doing evil (unless his latest film ends up being a bomb).

The false detainment has caused a good level of embarrassment for the US and outrage from Indians, some of whom called for retaliation against the likes of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on their twitter accounts. Ambassador Timothy J. Roemer
attempted to appease those outraged by stating that Khan was a “global icon” and a “very welcome guest in the United States.” As a further goodwill gesture he offered the Indian government Carrot Top provided they lock him up and throw away the key.

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