Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Dial For Men: The Official Soap of Prison

Posted by evankessler on July 18, 2009

It’s not often that I fall victim to product gimmicks unless you count the honey dispensing bear.  Yesterday, however, I was on the hunt for some new soap.  As I perused the aisle containing slabs of human detergent I paused at the section containing the various incarnations of Dial®.  Now, I generally feel fondly towards this brand as I remember their old ad campaign of people uncomfortably pressed up against one another on the subway which then would state, “You use Dial, don’t you wish everybody did?”  For some reason that advertising recall usually leads me to select dial from the shelf unless that catchy Ivory brand song pops in my head.  I almost never select Zest because it brings to mind a half-naked Roger Clemens singing about being “Zestfully Clean!”

With such a wide variety of scents available, being a man who was obviously looking to get roped in by a gimmick at this point, I went for the least scent-centric option.  This option, was of course the “Dial for Men with Micro-scrubbers.”  Yes,my nasty nose to the grindstone demeanor almost certainly needed something called “Micro Scrubbers.”  How else would I get all that which need to be scrubbed?  Furthermore, where were these “Micro Scrubbers” the summer I was working at the plant nursery and spent most of those two months with dirt in the cracks of my fingers and nails despite my daily usage of Lava soap?

While these micro-scrubbers have so far worked out to the best of my advantage, one thing that struck me about the design of the soap…which I may have chosen to ignore originally was the inclusion of a grip on the actual bar.  I know people generally don’t enjoy dropping soap, but it’s never been that big of an issue to me while in the shower.  If I drop soap, I bend down and pick it up knowing full well that I am not in a prison shower, which leads me to believe that the only reason that Dial for Men includes a grip on their soap is to either play on the male paranoia of prison shower rape or that they were actually trying to market this to become the official soap of many a prison.

Strong Enough for A Man for the Time Being

Strong Enough for A Man for the Time Being

Either way, I have yet to drop my new soap, but as tends to happen once soap gets wet, the grip has already begun to erode, making me very fearful that in the next couple of days that I may also involuntarily lose my grip on my own heterosexuality.  In closing, I hope to never go to prison.


One Response to “Dial For Men: The Official Soap of Prison”

  1. GoatLove said

    Awesome. I was thinking about this other day and decided to look around to see if anyone else thought the same thing was funny… Found your site. I’ll have to read your other deep thoughts.

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