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Archive for July, 2009

Beer Summit Brings New Brand of Justice

Posted by evankessler on July 31, 2009

President Barack Obama, Professor Henry Louis ...

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Rise and shine America, a new day has dawned for our way of life. When you woke up yesterday there were three branches of Government: The Legislative, The Executive, and The Judicial; However, this morning as you look out your window at the summer sun, you should know that one third of those branches is no longer with us.

Despite thenomination and subsequent confirmation of Supreme Court Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the Judicial system is now obsolete.  With the recent advent of the beer summit in which President Obama settled the issue of whether or not Henry Louis Gates was guilty of breaking into his own house by simply inviting the Harvard Professor and his arresting
officer to discuss the charges and the racial strife caused by said charges over a beer, overnight it has become customary to settle all disputes this way.  From now on whether you’re wrongfully accused of murder or were perhaps pulled over for driving under the influence, you’ll be faced with two options:

One, you could put on a suit and be tried by a jury of your peers, or you could down a few with your accuser and effectively reach an understanding in a flurry of four beers.  The latter option is expected to put the court system out of business, but increase the amount of DUIs. The good news is…no more lawyers!

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Take That Hippie!

Posted by evankessler on July 30, 2009

Official seal of the National Organic Program

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A crushing blow was dealt to the neo-hippie movement recently when a study by the British Food Standards Agency, examining food data over the last 50 years, concluded that the health value of organic food was neither greater nor significantly different from that of that which is considered non-organic. The announcement didn’t prompt the immediate shutdown of specialized grocery stores with monikers touting their earthiness, but nonetheless there are some immediate positive effects as a result of the report which has since been published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.

The study severely hinders your favorite restaurant’s ability to overcharge you for “organic Cobb Salad” and you’ll no longer have to deal with that uppity hippie friend who continually hints that their own moral and ethical superiority is somehow linked to the fact that they “only eat organic.”  Thank you British Food Standards Agency, we owe you one.

update: The author of this post has since seen the documentary Food Inc. and doesn’t necessarily feel this way anymore.

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Captain Obvious says, “Don’t Text and Drive”

Posted by evankessler on July 29, 2009

In my opinion, it is not the act of talking on...

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In these chaotic times, we human beings continually find ourselves at the mercy of societal behaviors that have continued to reek havoc on our ability to manifest our own special brand of common sense from the innermost reaches of our frontal lobe.  Luckily, when our inability to reason is thwarted by the temptation of dangling carrots such as our impulse to “bring the blow dryer into the shower” or  “type that really funny text message to our friends whilst driving 90mph through a school zone” –there is a brave superhero who uses his gallant rationale for good by transferring it to those who might use it to make a positive difference.

That brave soul is Captain Obvious and for his most recent act of valor, our shining star of sensibility was able to transfer his
recognition of the cognitive dissonance inherent in the act of texting while driving to the brains of several prominent lawmakers.  After reading a study earlier in the week by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute stating that “when drivers of heavy trucks texted, their collision risk was 23 times greater than when not texting,” Captain Obvious was able to infer an even larger hypothesis that texting while driving is just generally a bad idea.

He quickly directed this superthought towards the receptive brains of Senators Charles Schumer (D-NY), Robert Menendez (D-NJ), Mary Landrieu of Louisiana and Kay Hagan of North Carolina. The highway safety-loving quartet of Senators now have plans to unveil legistlation banning the dangerous practice of texting while driving on America’s roads–proving that Captain Obvious’s message was received loud and clear.

Oh well, all in a days work for this superhero. Just remember, there’s a little of Captain Obvious inside all of us.


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Shatner Speaks the Truth for Alaska

Posted by evankessler on July 28, 2009

William Shatner photographed by Jerry Avenaim

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In every era there is a man for all times; a man whose artistry,integrity, and way with the spoken word mesmerizes those who he comes into contact with. For this time, right here, right now, that man is none other than Captain James Tiberius Kirk, himself– Mr. William Shatner.

Last night on the The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, the septagenarian starfleet commander helped make sense of what we referred to yesterday as a “rambling, incoherent speech” by former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. What had once been an aimless collection of meandering thoughts–when first uttered by their original speaker– were suddenly transformed into a flourishing garden of ideas and expressions, as Mr. Shatner grabbed a hold of them and made them his own…forever. In our mind Sarah Palin never gave a farewell speech, but William Shatner did recite a beautiful poem.

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Palin Bids Alaskan Responsibilities Adieu

Posted by evankessler on July 27, 2009

Fans of the political process from sea to shining sea got a big boost of confidence Sunday when Sarah Palin formally stepped down as Alaska Governor. In traditional gubernatorial fashion, the former head of the Alaskan state, showed she was one of the greats, by accepting no responsibility for any of the misfortune and scandal that befell during her abbreviated reign as its supreme leader– most notably the negative attention she and her family garnered as John McCain‘s running mate in the 2008 Presidential election.

In one of her trademark rambling, incoherent speeches,Palin railed against obvious foes such as “the media” who so infamously engaged in their “gotcha journalism” when Palin repeatedly made it obvious that she knew precious few details about government at the federal level, (and god only knows the state level) while being asked simple questions that most people that might be in the position to run the country should be able to answer.

The media wasn’t the only one to blame for Palin’s more than numerous ethical transgressions and personal embarrassments.  SP also hung the heavy burden of her own failure to not engage in scandalous activity on the dainty shoulders of “Hollywood starlets” who “rail against gun rights.” Palin was most likely referring to Ashley Judd who raised a stink when the knowledge arose that the governor had engaged in the inhumane act of aerial wolf hunting.  The ex-governor cited those with Judd-like characteristics as tools of “anti-hunting, anti-Second Amendment circuses from Hollywood.”  Ironically, if the governor had ever seen any Ashley Judd movie she’d know that 50 percent of them end with Ashley gunning down an ex-husband who wronged her.  She went on to justify her gun happy ways with the new motto for her line of fox jerky snacks, “We eat therefore, we hunt.”

Much to the equal delight and chagrin of her Alaskan constituents, Palin promised to continue “charting a new course to advance this state,” one that can most likely only be carried out only from the backrooms of Wasilla bars by an elite force of Snow Machine racers more powerful in scope than a thousand governors.

In closing, what a long strange trip its been for the people of the Alaska, the United States and this sprightly, yet offensively
conservative point guard from Wasilla.  We’re going to miss all of your antics and your gee whiz, you betcha attitude.  The Joe six-packs and plumbers showing their cracks are going to miss your down home style of politickin’ straight talk.

Sarah Palin you’ve served as a model of ineptitude the likes of which haven’t been seen since Dan Quayle helped out with an elementary school spelling bee. When kids see the former governor of Alaska, they’ll see a role model that says, when the going gets tough and you’re really not qualified to deal with it–step down. It’s been refreshing and nauseating all at the same

While we don’t think this is completely the end of the line for the Palin news cycle, we could all use a rest for a while.  Oh well, we hope to see Mrs. Palin on the Republican ticket in 2012, if just for the wealth of material she’ll provide.

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What Salad?

Posted by evankessler on July 24, 2009

Romaine lettuce (Lactuca sativa var. longifolia).

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American dependence on the meal staple that is salad took a serious hit today when California-based produce company Tanimura and Antle Fresh Foods Inc, announced a recall of Romaine lettuce.  The Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, while conducting a random contamination test (which also allows for other possibly affected random brands to go untested), selected said brand only to find that infamous form of bacteria known as Salmonella had reared it’s ugly head.

So far there have been zero cases of food borne illness reported in connection with product, no doubt the result of a nation teetering on the brink of obesity who when asked to point out romaine lettuce mostly just motions with a confused shrug as  most Americans are more familiar with romaine lettuce as that leafy green thing wedged beneath onions and that round red vegetable-looking thing on the side of their deluxe burger and fries platter that usually goes untouched.

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Michael Jackon’s Four-Headed Norwegian Rapper Lovechild

Posted by evankessler on July 23, 2009

Yesterday, we here at OneRiot enjoyed a welcome respite from the constant flood of Michael Jackson news, as for a few brief shining hours, the gloved one ceased to be a trending topic for the first time since his death.  He can thank Erin Andrews and Comic Con for that. Lo and behold, the King of Pop is back in the good graces of that little bar at the topic of our screen that shows just what all of our users are buzzing about.  So why is his late Royal Pop-ness back on the tip of our digital tongues?  Well, in short it’s his children.

In the days following Jackson’s death, the public and the media clamored for the truth about Paris, Prince Michael, and Blanket and whether or not they had the least genetic tie to their iconic dad. Most people figured that MJ was so asexual that there’s no way those kids had a bit of that famous DNA and that he had plucked them off of some perfect little white child baby farm in some well off European country like Sweden, Luxembourg or Monaco.

So it was even more shocking when yesterday it was revealed that Michael may have had yet another talented offspring that he was in all likelihood keeping away from Grandpa Joe– just in case he decided the Jackson Three needed one
more talented kid to put the trio over the top.

Reports from several gossip sites have emerged that 25-year old Norwegian Rapper Omer Bhatti may, in fact, be the product of a one-night-stand between Jackson and Norwegian woman named Billie Jean…err…Pia Bhatti in the mid-’80s. Bhatti was seen sitting with the family with the memorial service during and even spent extensive time at Neverland after meeting his maybe dad on the 1996 HIStory tour.

Bhatti is currently seeking paternity tests to confirm the rumors; and if all else fails, he’ll fall back on his quest to turn
Norwegian rap into a viable musical genre.

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Palin’s Ethically-Challenged Baby

Posted by evankessler on July 22, 2009

Sarah Palin in Savannah, Georgia, Dec 1, 2008 ...

Image via Wikipedia


Embattled yet always sassy Alaska Governor Sarah Palin seems to constantly have lots of ‘splainin’ to do. This week is no differentas John McCain‘s former running mate faces allegations that she used her position as chief executive of “Seward’s Folly” to secure “unwarranted benefits” and snag “improper gifts through the Alaska Fund “–which she had authorized the creation of by her supporters.
The thought that the Governor would use such funds for personal gains is not so far fetched as she had  been known
to employ previously allotted funds on such superfluous items as lipstick to apply to her pit bulls and pigs and expensive outfits to help her play the pretend game of let’s dress like we’re 2nd in-line
to the presidency.
Levi Johnston could not immediately be reached for comment, but we imagine he would’ve pointed out that it could be
worse, she could be the current Vice President or not leaving office in a couple of days.
As for Palin’s excuse, we expect to there to be a rambling, incoherent statement issued on the matter rather soon.


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NASA Confirms Own Uselessness

Posted by evankessler on July 21, 2009

The crew of the Endeavor may actually be up in space doing space-y things, but it wasn’t an astronaut or even NASA that made this week’s big celestial discovery. While they were out screwing docks together, eating space ice cream and unclogging space toilets (or whatever it is they do up there); a computer programmer and amateur astronomer from the land down under found an impact zone the size of Earth on the surface of Jupiter while stargazing with a 14.5-inch reflecting telescope from the confines of his backyard.

In other words, people in space didn’t notice the planet-sized thing plowing into another planet, but the guy on his lawn did. NASA’s Hawaii-based Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed the discovery just to show people that they were doing something other than using all of that funding to have
one kick-ass Luau after another.

Meanwhile, on Jupiter’s surface, thousands of Jupiter-ites are said to be fleeing to the planet Trafalmadore in the hopes of finding life sustaining atmosphere. There have been a constant stream of spaceships fleeing from the site surrounding the impact that has been continually monitored by the amateur Aussie star lover– though NASA admittedly has not been keeping track because they’re too busy trying to come up with excuses of what the point is of having people in space if they’re pretty much not doing anything useful to further science.

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The Sound of Sirens

Posted by evankessler on July 21, 2009

Hello EvanKessler.com readers, my old friends.  I’ve come to blog for you again.  Because a weekend slowly fading from the sands of time is still fresh in the back of my memory, I thought it was high time I brought it back to life in all of it’s fruitless glory.  I’ll beging where I usually begin, that elusive friday evening that we work all week to get to only to see it fade away so often in a drunken haze, the blink of an eye or the twitch of an involuntary muscle fiber.

This past weekend began like so many others, with  the celebration of the anniversary of a friend’s emergence from the womb.  There were more than two lives to commemorate on this evening and so it was undoubtedly going to be unsatisfying on some level.  I find those evenings with more than one event that seems of an obligatory nature to always leave something to be desired.  I always feel as though I missed something by leaving the other and that the 2nd event is joined at a point in progress where you’ve ultimately missed the momentum. Such is the story of my Friday evening.

I arrived at Musical Box on Avenue B between 13th and 14th street shortly after 7pm.  I had called Suli 15 minutes prior to my arrival to see if he was at the bar in which he would be celebrating his birthday.  Despite his email that had notified us to show up at 7pm he would not be on time.  Perhaps, this was wise as the bar would not open for another half hour, much to the chagrin of myself and the other two revellers who, like me, were not really in the mindset to appear fashionably late.  Jason S, Jes P and I stood outside future party central making pleasant conversation and peppering the same lewd joke whenever a passerby was close enough to possibly be eavesdropping.  I don’t quite remember what we were saying, but I think the general content involved “inserting penises” somewhere.

About five minutes prior to the doors opening, the belated birthday boy arrived on the scene.  After ordering up a round of drinks, rather than enjoy the spaciousness of the empty bar, we made ourselves cozy in the back left corner at a couch that had been reserved for the specific purpose of accommodating our company.    It felt a little odd having all of that free roaming space behind us, but we liked it just fine.

JSarah Shows Her Appreciation for Birthday Boy #1

JSarah Shows Her Appreciation for Birthday Boy #1

The crowd grew rather quickly, Ajay, Morwin, Kishore, Nicole P, Kayvalyn, Andrea, Joe D, JSarah, Erika G, Rich, Enisha, and really too many people to name.  It was a good mix of New York City, Rockland County, and parts unknown.  The conversation was flowing just as smoothly as a tap dispensing Guinness.  I made my way between several groups of people and was genuinely enjoying myself.  However, I could not stop looking at my watch.  I had told my friend Jenny back in Brooklyn that I would be at the party she was throwing  by 10 so that they could present Matt with the birthday cake.

So, despite having an enjoyable time at Musical Box, I said my goodbyes, and regrettably left early, ultimately missing out on the appearance on my friend Matt C who was up from DC for his own birthday.  The rain was pouring and I thought it might be tough to find a cab in the East Village because of it, but I had no trouble as the first yellow minivan I waved down promptly stopped in front of me.

I entered to find the 2Pac song “California Love” turned up to 11.  Thankfully, the driver saw fit to turn it down so that I could tell him where I was going.  The second he got the information though, it was back to busting eardrums.  It didn’t bother me that much originally as it is an enjoyably nostalgic tune.  The nostalgia did not stop there though as right after the song ended he played the same song again and at a similar level. Apparently he was fond for the events of 3 minutes before.   My first thought on the second “California Love” go around was that of identification.  I’ve played the same song twice in a row before because I liked.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the next three times he played the song.  All the way to Matt and Jenny’s house it was “California Love.”  Five straight times of the same song.  I thought I was being punked or in some weird twilight zone vignette. It was as if I wasn’t even in the car. This guy could not get enough of this song, but I could. I thought it was the more incredible cab rides I’d ever been privy to; just wholly unusual.

I was more than happy to escape into the receding dampness of the night.  I had the driver drop me off a full two blocks before the apartment, mostly because it was the only point I might get in a word edgewise before the next (or same) song started again.  I also thought I might find an open beer store, but to no avail.  I entered Matt and Jenny’s empty-handed, which felt somewhat shameful.  I hate showing up to a party without bringing anything.  That’s just wrong.  There was nothing I could do at that point though and I really had to pee anyway.  So, this one time, they’d have to let me off easy.

The crowd at Matt’s was fewer than I had expected.  Matt and Jenny always had pretty decent throngs of friends at their get togethers, but I guess the rain had cause many to balk at the proposal of a good time.  Pesky water.  In any case, the faces surronding me were familiar ones.  Zak, Emma, Marie, Abbi, Felecia, John, Robert, Matt’s bandmate Rich, and maybe someone I’m leaving out.

The party itself was very mellow, which was kind of a downer from the very lively scene I had been apart of prior.  I wasn’t unhappy to be there by any means, but it was a complete 180 from where I had been.  It sort of made me wished I had stayed where I was, but I was still glad to be celebrating Matt’s birthday with friends as well.  Sometimes fun and friendship can be a double-edged sword.

Soon after my arrival the cake was brought out.  It was similar to the one Jenny created for Marie’s birthday, except for the fact that it had not been fashioned into a volcano.  It was however, rich and delicious.

Matt Attempts To Put Out The Candles Blowdart Style

Matt Attempts To Put Out The Candles Blowdart Style

Post-cake the rest of the evening was spent blabbing in the backyard, feeling the stickyness of humidity and sprinkle of mist dance around our exposed skin.  Zak, Emma, Marie, and Abbi seemed to exit on the early side and the evening ended with some more light chatter from the host couple, Felecia, John, and Robert.  Everyone else eventually made their exit via car service and I walked home at what seemed like a reasonable hour seeing as the sky had cleared up considerably and it was strolling weather.

Saturday’s plan was a little bit iffy.  I had been planning on attending the Siren Festival on Coney Island not out of fondness for any of the acts, but more so out of my desire to relive the majesty of July 4th weekend.  Sure it was a markedly different event, but you can never go wrong with Nathan’s Famous, the boardwalk, and some quality music.

Out of all of the people I knew, I was probably the first to arrive.  My original plan was to get there by 1pm to see the Tiny Masters of Today, a band consisting of a 13 and 15 year old pair of siblings.  I had my interest piqued when I checked out their website.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get out of my apartment til close to 1pm forcing that plan immediately out the window.

By the time I arrived, The Blue Van was playing on the Stillwell Stage, but more important than that, there was no line at Nathan’s!  In past years at the Siren Festival I had usually experience up to half-hour waits at the Hot Dog haven.  Rather than wait around, it was go time.  I got myself a cheesedog and some fries in  a snap and wandered around the booths for a bit while the poor sound quality emanating from the 2nd stage aided in the background noise department.

After sampling some Coke Zero and Fuzion to help wash down my meal, I headed over to the Main stage where Mikachu & The Shapes were starting up.  There I ran into Jes P, her friends who were visiting, and Jason S. After standing around and watching Micachu for a few minutes, Jason and I more or less decided that they were not our thing.  We wandered back to the other stage and caught a little bit of Bear Hands’ set.

It was like a game of music festival badminton with Jason and I as shuttlecocks.  We’d sit for a few songs at the  Stillwell Stage and then get knocked back to the main stage.  After tiring of Bear Hands’ we moved back to main stage to catch Japandroid for a good bit before deciding to get a feel for The Oh Sees.  Unfortunately, by the time we got to the Stillwell stage for that, the band had finished.  Apparently they had only played a twenty minute set.

Frightened Rabbit at Siren Festival

Frightened Rabbit at Siren Festival

We had set a dizzying pace for ourselves in the early going, but that was calmed down after our disappointing last foray to Stillwell.  We caught up with Suli, Jes, Andrea, Andrea’s neighbor Jennifer, Rich, and Ajay (dressed ridiculously in a suit in 85 degree weather) to catch the Frightened Rabbit set, which was pretty decent.  When that part of the afternoon came to a close it was back to Nathan’s for the other’s to get their grub on.

Jes and Ajay: Two Faces in the Coney Island Crowd

Jes and Ajay: Two Faces in the Coney Island Crowd

During our time at Nathan’s, Andrea tried to relay the story of a great local Rochester commercial that apparently brought about the maximum level of unintentional comedy with it’s sung “tighten up” slogan.  We all looked at her like she was crazy, but eventually took it to be our own slogan for the afternoon.

We didn’t move from our perch at Nathan’s more or less until a little after 6pm when the Raveonettes were playing at the mainstage.  By the time we made it up there though the crowd was pretty backed up and the sound was not really concert quality where we were standing.  Several of our crew went to go on The Cyclone and a few of us waited it out. The Cyclone was kind of making me nervous all day.  While the bands were playing I kept noticing the rickety wooden nature of the structure every time the cars went over each track and seemed to shake the foundation a bit.  I was not getting on that thing. I’m not paying $8 for historic whiplash.

Beware The Cyclone

Beware The Cyclone

Once the Cyclone riders returned, we all made our way to our section of Brooklyn.  I rode the subway alone back to Park Slope having not ridden a bike.  We had made plans to meet up and hang out at Kishore’s after we regained our composure after a day roasting in the sun.  We were even going to barbecue.  I made my way over to Kishore’s having bought some sausage, chips, and beer; ready to grill.  When I got there I found out that everyone had bailed.  Oh well, Kishore, Patty, and I enjoyed the sausage, chips and beer, though we didn’t stay out too late.

Sunday was low key.    My ankle was bothering me a little bit from all of the pressure I had exerted on it by standing around and/or walking all day.  I’m so fragile.  I basically spent my final day of the weekend sweating and reading on the stoop.  Not the worst low note to bring things to a close.

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