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Archive for June, 2009

NEVER Gonna Give You Up

Posted by evankessler on June 30, 2009

Rick Astley Live in Singapore

Image via Wikipedia

In the days following the death of Michael Jackson, Internet hoaxsters have tried their hand at convincing us that famous people are dropping like flies. First there were the Jeff Goldblum rumors, then they told us our beloved Harrison Ford and Britney Spears had gone the way of the dodo.

Being the astute followers of pop culture that we are and being hip to the fact that celebrities die in threes and not 4’s,5’s, 6’s, or 7’s, we quickly saw these stories for what they were, nothing but a bunch of hogwash. Nonetheless, these pranksters will stop at nothing until they finally persuade us that another one of our beloved elite entertainers is now standing in that spotlight in the sky. Their latest attempt comes at the expense of a singer who is so obviously immortal, based on his assertions that he is “NEVER gonna give you up” or “let you down.”  We’re talking about 80’s Brit-soul superstar, Rick Astley.

Early this morning the Internets had an outpouring of stories on Mister Astley, asserting that the singer had been found dead in his German hotel room at the age of forty-three. Our first reaction was, “Say it ain’t so.”  Our second, however, was to quietly sing the lyrics, “Together forever and never to part. Together forever with you.” It was these lyrics that gave us the resolve and strength to realize this story was indeed a crock. For when Rick Astley croons, “Together FOREVER,” he means it. OneRiot 1, Internet Hoaxsters 0.

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The Most Disappointing 15 Minutes of Fame Ever

Posted by evankessler on June 29, 2009

Eleven-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags.  It seemed all was well that ended well though, as the aptly-named Ms. Fox had seen a photo of the boy pathetically longing in the not-so-distance and issued an apology, noting that ignoring such a doting fan was very unlike her.

In an effort to remedy the situation, Kodak put a down payment on Kindlon’s future as a stalker, by flying the boy out to New York for a second chance at an encounter with the object of his affection and ex-fiancee of Brian Austin Green. It seemed that the stars were perfectly aligned for their whirlwind romance to begin as the sexy M.F. was slated to appear on “The Today Show” on Friday in New York, and the boy would finally be able to shower the star with canary-colored petals.

Alas, if we’ve learned nothing from Bret Michaels, it’s that every rose, indeed, has it’s thorn.  With the sudden death of the King of Pop occurring Thursday, Fox’s appearance was scrapped from the today show and Kindlon’s dreams were subsequently deflated in one fell swoop.  The starlet never entered the gravitational pull of the city that never sleeps, as she
was whisked back to her home in Hollywood, leaving one sad little boy who will most likely learn that he’ll continually be disappointed in his relationships with women if he doesn’t lower his standards.  In a related story, I’ve yet to have that personal political summit with Natalie Portman I’ve been requesting for years.

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Iran Loses Out To Human Nature

Posted by evankessler on June 26, 2009

United 4 Iran Global Day of Action

Image by nuztorad via Flickr

Over the past two weeks the people of Iran and their struggles have been at the center of not only the regular world, but also the Internet world.  Not a day went by in which the topic of Iran wasn’t trending on OneRiot’s real-time search engine. Internet users made no secret of their solidarity with their Iranian counterparts as they struggled against the brute force of tyranny and those clinging to antiquated beliefs on a government’s relationship and responsibility to its subjects.

The story was alternately harrowing and inspiring and is most likely still in full swing.  However, with the recent passing of the King of Pop, all interest seems to have waned from the heroic and heartbreaking saga unfolding in that region of the world. Instead, the world has pretty much frozen in its tracks in order to fish out the lyrics for “Man In The Mirror” and reminisce about the first time they saw the “Thriller” video.

The news networks have dropped the election story like a “Bad” habit chalking up the victory of Ahmadinejad to the work of a “Smooth Criminal” and more or less figuring the Ayatollah‘s rule as “Invincible.” Perhaps, Iran has forgotten about their rebellion as well. Maybe all of the protesters have banded together and are currently swaying, vowing to “make a change for once in my life.” They’ve probably stopped posting youtube videos and tweeting about their protests to get the juicy details of the King of Autopsies.

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The Borderline Eloquence of The New York Post

Posted by evankessler on June 26, 2009

With yesterday’s sudden passing of world Pop icon Michael Jackson (a.k.a The King of Pop), there was much speculation as to how the classy semi-informational sensationalistic news rag otherwise known as the New York Post would handle the subsequent headline covering the story.  Would they have an attack of tastefulness and write something like “Death of An Icon: Michael Jackson 1958-2009” or would they simply rehash the old favorite, “Wacko Jacko on His Backo”?  Personally, I was thinking they’d go somewhere along the lines of “King of Pop, Snaps Then Crackles” or “Wacko Jacko Moonwalks To Heaven.”   However, when I first walked by a newstand late this morning I was somewhat shocked to see what they had come up with.  It seems the headline geniuses at the New York Post found a way to skirt the line between classy and tabloid without hitting either mark with the following:

MJPopDead

I stood at the bold fonted “DEAD” staring me in the face and thought, “Really?  That’s all you’ve got?”  This is not the New York Post I’ve grown to have moderate affection for on a day to day basis, based solely on what terrific pun they’ve come up with on any given Monday through Sunday.  This cover neither wore a tuxedo or lived in a trailer park…it just sort of looked as though it had witnessed a car accident.  Though, I guess in some way shape or form that’s what a lot of America was feeling at the time they heard of Michael Jackson’s death.  So, I guess it perfectly encapsulated the “holy shit” nature of it all.

That being said, I would’ve loved to have been privy to that meeting where whoever engages in the headline discussion tossed out their top picks for the front page, I’m sure there must’ve been some gems left on the cutting room floor.  If only we knew what they were.

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Shaq Traded Before He Hears Dat

Posted by evankessler on June 25, 2009

In the before time people used to find out all of their vital information via phone calls, subpoenas, or beautifully written and subsequently narrated letters from their significant other in Charleston, South Carolina during times of Civil War. Today, however, we have Twitter, which much like text messaging asserts the pressure to get one’s point across in a finite amount of characters. Yesterday brought such an occasion, when NBA Superstar and certifiable Twitterlebrity @THE_REAL_SHAQ got traded to @cavs.

ESPN had like a 8 min piece on it said its a DONE DEAL you a Cavalier but aint beliving it till the BIG @THE_REAL_SHAQ SINGS.

It seems @THE_REAL_SHAQ was not aware of said transaction until @allonso notified the aging big man, telling him “ESPN had like a 8 min piece on it said its a DONE DEAL you a Cavalier but aint beliving it till the BIG @THE_REAL_SHAQ SINGS.” Shaq responded by tweeting @allonso, “I didn’t hear dat yet.” But indeed the Big Cactus would have to be changing his tune and his nickname as he would find out moments later. Perhaps getting the biggest kick out the whole situation was @DJJTR3Y who twote at the diesel “U CLEVELAND BOUND…shaq found out he was traded thru twitter! lmao….hahahaaaaaa.” Shaq confirmed @DJJTR3Y’s Twitspicions with an “I kno right” over the micro-blogging service. It was quite the to do and now we all feel dumber for having followed it. Oh well, so much for the delicate beauty of the English language.

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North Korea Puts Cartographers To Work

Posted by evankessler on June 24, 2009

Atlas publishers and cartographers alike have begun readying their erasers, as earlier today, North Korea threatened to wipe the US clean off the world map.  Kim Jong Il and company placed the portentous writing on the cautionary chalkboard after accusing the United States of trying to provoke Korean War 2 (not to be confused with KW2, Tight End for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) by following a North Korean vessel on a less than routine delivery of “illicit” weapons to the also suspect nation of Myanmar.

The move is seen as an attempt to test the recent imposed sanction of a no-sail period.  The armed and dangerous nation warns that the interception (and subsequent return for a touchdown) of the vessel would be a declaration of war between the two nations.  The warning is aptly timed as Wednesday is also the eve of the 59th anniversary of the Korean War outbreak.  The original, barbarous conflict lasted three long years (your grandfather, the stories he could tell), ultimately ending in a truce, that never settled the dispute between North and South.   It would only make sense that the sequel should start 59 years later to the day and double the box office gross of the original.

While diplomats worldwide are currently scrambling to get North Korea back to the disarmament talks table, it is believed that the North may soon fire “a Scud missile with a range of up to 310 miles (500 kilometers) or a short-range ground-to-ship missile with a range of 100 miles.”   While neither of those projectiles would land within reach of the United States, the threat of an all out GloboThermoNuclear war is as good a reason as any to drop a few hints to that young looker you’ve had your eye on, in the hopes that you can finally “get it on.”  After all, if it’s going to be the end of the world as we know it, wouldn’t you like to feel fine?

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The Last Hi-Ooooh!

Posted by evankessler on June 23, 2009

Ed McMahon at Red Square in Mandalay Bay.

Image via Wikipedia

Over the years, we like to think we had a very personal relationship with Johnny Carson’s longtime Tonight Show sidekick, Ed McMahon.  He sent us hundreds of letters telling us that we might have already won millions upon millions of dollars, and each time  we’d respond with a personal letter of thanks  to Ed along with an affixed sticker alerting him that we’d love a discounted subscription to Field & Stream.

Without fail, he would always write back with another opportunity to win even more money. While we never actually won those millions of dollars Ed tried to hook us up with, we feel like we really got to know the guy behind the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.  So it was with a heavy heart this morning when we here at OneRiot walked to our mailbox only to find no letter from Ed.

We knew something was amiss and when we finally logged into our interweb connection, we saw why.  Eddie Mac had passed away and with him our champagne wishes and caviar dreams. We hoped the news wasn’t true, but alas this was no TV blooper or practical joke.

Ed was more than just a locked gateway to our wildest cash-fueled fantasies. So in our hour of sadness we reminisce about the career of one Ed McMahon. Ed wasn’t just JC’s four-eyed, joke-affirming sidekick. Ed was his own man.  Ed was a voice, a voice that cried out, “Heeeeere’s Jonny,” “Yes,” and “You are correct, sir.”  He was also a top talent scout, discovering such luminaries as Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera in their early years and rating them on simple star scale that catapulted them to the celebrity status they own today.

Ed was a lover, a fighter and ultimately an esteemed announcer, and in honor of his passing we think it’s time to let out one last hearty “Hi-oooooh!” in the old man’s honor. There you have it Ed.  Rest in peace.

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Distressed Perez Seeks Attention, Police?

Posted by evankessler on June 22, 2009

 

It was a dark and stormy night out in Toronto and in the life of rumor monger and new media mogul Perez Hilton.  The gossip queen whose tremendous wit is at it’s height when he is drawing penises on the faces of photos of celebrities, was met with a cruel form of un-ironic comeuppance when someone struck him with something other than ascribbled phallus. The whole thing allegedly “got started (retarded)” when Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am told the saboteur of Miss California’s pageant dreams, to not write about his band on his infamous site . This request was apparently followed by a bit of an alleged drubbing at the hand (or fists) of the band’s manager Polo Molina.

Rather than seek the immediate assistance of police or medical staff, the bloodied blogger did what comes naturally to most attention whores; he tweeted about the incident.  Surely, someone in his band of one million plus merry followers on the micro-blogging site must have had the capability to contact authorities and alert them to his cry of “I’m in shock.  I need the police ASAP.  Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.”  Unfortunately, Sting and his former bandmates were nowhere near Toronto at the time and Hilton had to eventually settle for Mounties whom he later learned had taken so long to arrive because they were not following him on twitter.   They followed up their investigation of the incident by showing the distressed cewebrity how to use a phone.

 

 

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A Funny Thing That Was Completely Lost On Me Until Several Seconds Ago

Posted by evankessler on June 21, 2009

Madonna is dating someone named Jesus and she’s old enough to be his mother.
madonna-jesus-luz-dinner-date

A little bit biblical…a little bit Oedipal. A lot ridiculous.

Posted in Celebrity, elderly | Tagged: , | 2 Comments »

Lohan Brings a Little Bit of Myspace to the Twittersphere

Posted by evankessler on June 19, 2009

It used to be that whenever we here at OneRiot had the urge to see a trashy Long Island native posing shirtless via a camera phone photo they took of themselves in the mirror , we would just go to Myspace and do a search for the name Joey or Amber. However, as of this morning the popular “place for friends” isn’t the only site to catch a glimpse of those desperate for sexy-time approval.

Lindsey Lohan has given us good reason to defriend Tom and start Tweeting up a storm as the the struggling skin-and-bones starlet bared most of her “upper-echelon” save for some strategically-placed hair in front of her reasonably sized silly cones in a pic she posted to Twitter.

It’s not clear whether Lohan was trying to attract or repulse the person she posted this for, but at least she and the hacker who snagged them off of her account have given America plenty of meaningless celebrity fodder to ponder at the beach over this first official weekend of Summer.

 

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