Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

What I Want For My Birthday

Posted by evankessler on November 3, 2008

This evening at the gym when the elliptical machine asked me to enter in my age, I typed in “29” for the last time.  I suppose I could still  do that whenever I want, but once you start lying to machines it’s only a matter of time before you realize you’re actually only lying to yourself.

That being said as my twenty-ninth long year draws to a close, I’ve yet to tell anyone what I want for my birthday.  So I decided to make this list.  It’s not so much a list of physical things that can be purchased in a store and that I want to be given, it’s more just things that have to be done in order to make my 30th year on this earth a pleasant and enjoyable one.  There’s also a few actual things that I would take on my birthday.


10.  A Barack Obama Presidency- Okay.  That was the easy one.  I’m going to go out to the polls and vote but not to the  “The Poles” though it would be nice if any citizens of Eastern European descent and/or strippers would do their part in the voting booth on November 4th.


9.  A Pet Snail Named Captain Rapscallion- I’m not really good with pets, but I figured a pet snail would be easy to take care if there is such a thing.  And if I end up killing it I can find out whether or not I enjoy Escargot.


8. Wii Fit- I’m not so sure I want this, but my gym membership runs out in January and if it I can get somewhat fit by spending  just over $100, it beats spending hundreds on a gym membership.


7. A Slice of German Chocolate Cake with a glass of milk- Mmmm, German Chocolate Cake…with milk


6. A steady, ample paycheck- I’m not going to lie, I’m not really in he best place monetarily right now.  Living in New York City and being unemployed save for a few freelance writing gigs will place you in that predicament.  I would like to be able to pay my rent and maybe even thrive creatively.  Perhaps a more dependable writing gig is in order.  Does anyone from the Onion want to give me a second shot?

5. More People To Start Reading Trendliest– I think this site has some of the best stuff I’ve ever written and that it’s worth your attention


4. Robin WIlliams To Send A Photo of Himself looking at If I Blog It They Will Come– I’m not going to lie, when Kevin Costner sent a photo of himself looking at the site in 2007, I was like Gil in the Ron Howard film, Parenthood.  I thought all I had to do was coach Little League or get an actor to look at my blog and everything would be okay again.  Things didn’t quite work out like that and the site hasn’t given me as much a boost as I had hoped.  It’s going to take a lot more effort to achieve continued success.  Am I up for it?  Tune in to find out.

3.  A Literary Agent- Having sent out somewhere around 40 query letters for one of my ideas to literary agents around the country, I’m hoping one of them takes a shot on an unknown kid.  Even if they don’t like the idea I sent, I have three or four other solid books I can pitch and write.


2. A Date With Natalie Portman- She’s adorable.  I’m single.  We both have Jewish roots (even though that’s not at all important to me).  It’s worth a shot.  Actually, I’m sort of against meeting celebrities and having awkward conversations with them…so maybe I’ll reconsider this one.

1. Simply To Be Better- Twenty-nine has been one of my worst years both professionally and personally. I attribute it to thinking that after having a good year at 28, things would naturally start falling into place with minimal effort. Hopefully the mere shock of reaching thirty is enough to stun me into being more disciplined and actually working harder to get people to take notice of the talent and ability of one Evan Jeremy Kessler in this his thirtieth year on this earth. Cross your fingers and hope for the best and I’ll do my part by making the right wish when I blow out the candles.


One Response to “What I Want For My Birthday”

  1. Laura said

    This is great. Happy Birthday, Evan!

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