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John McCain, The Party Candidate?

Posted by evankessler on September 26, 2008

I’m having second thoughts about that last post regarding John McCain’s deceptive cowardice as evidenced by his initial refusal to debate on Friday.  As we all know, Friday is the beginning of the weekend, the night the working class typically goes out to their local watering hole to tie one on and let off some steam that’s been building up all week.  Perhaps Mr. McCain recognizes the importance of Friday night to most Americans and simply believes that watching an important political debate on their most cherished evening of the week is not what the voting public wants.  The people deserve better.  They deserve to have their debates on days where a vital moment in American History merely pre-empts an episode of “Two and A Half Men” or “According to Jim” (is that show still on?) and not a joyous evening of binge drinking where one might get lucky with a longtime crush or local skank.

That being said, with the prospect looming that the American people still could be forced to witness a Presidential debate between the Republican Candidate Senator John McCain of Arizona and Democratic Candidate Barack Hussein Obama, Senator from Illinois on the evening of Friday, September 26th; the least we could do to make the event more in keeping with what most of America would rather be doing is to create a drinking game in blue collar John McCain’s honor.

First off, if you’re going to play the John McCain debate drinking game you’re going to need to be prepared with the proper beverages and spirits on hand.  The following is a list of alcohol and peripheral ingredients to have in supply in order to play the game according to the rules that will be set forth herein:

  • One Keg of beer (hopefully procured by non-Teen Wolf)
  • Angostura Bitters
  • Coca-Cola
  • Cognac
  • Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey
  • Stolichnaya Vodka
  • Hendrick’s Gin
  • Triple Sec (I think this goes in every drink)
  • golden rum
  • Grand Marnier
  • Grenadine
  • Guiness Stout
  • Cremé De Menthe
  • Italian Vermouth
  • Kahlua
  • Orange Curacao
  • rye whiskey
  • Several bottles of Peach Schnapps
  • A case of Jagermeister
  • Several bottles of Vietnamese “ruou de” or rice alcohol
  • Several Bottles of Red Wine
  • Brut Champagne
  • Raspberry Syrup
  • Assorted Juices (pineapple, cranberry, orange, lime, lamb)
  • egg whites
  • plenty of ice

And without any further ado, the rules to the John McCain Debate Drinking Game:

If the debate is not held:

  1. Invite all your friends over and pass out plastic cups.  By the end of the evening your keg should be finished…and you will have probably finished a good portion of the hard liquor.

If the debate takes place:

  1. Before you do anything it’s important to make sure you have a chaser like Kahlua or Creme De Menthe on hand.
  2. Each time John McCain says “my friends” and awkwardly smiles all players must shout “Prost!” and do a shot of Jagermeister.
  3. Whenever John McCain seems genuinely confused about his stance on an issue everyone must do a Mind Eraser shot (ingredients: 2 oz. Vodka, 2 oz. Kahlua, 2 oz.tonic water)
  4. Each time John McCain addresses the United States’ relationship with Russia, viewers wearing even the slightest hint of red must drink a shot of Stolichnaya Vodka.
  5. Each time John McCain talks about the situation in Georgia, it’s Peach Schnapps time.
  6. WIth every mention of McCain’s stint in a Vietnamese prison viewers must swig from a bottle of  “ruou de” or Vietnamese rice alcohol.
  7. If John McCain refers to himself as a “Maverick” viewers must take off their shirts, oil each other up and play beach volleyball while downing Maverick Cocktails (ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. Vodka, 1/2 oz. Amaretto Di Saronno, 1/2 oz. Triple Sec, 2 tsp Galliano, 1 oz. Pineapple Juice) to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ “Playing With The Boys.”
  8. If Barack Obama is accused of being a liberal elitist. any players who attended an Ivy league school must make and drink a Harvard (ingredients: 1 1/2 ounces of Cognac, 1 ounce Italian Vermouth, 2 to 3 dashes of Angostura Bitters)  anyone from New York must drink a Knickerbocker (ingredients: 2 1/2 ounces of golden rum, 1 1/2 tsp Raspberry Syrup, 1/2 tsp orange curacao, 1/2 oz. lime juice, slice of lime)
  9. On every occasion where McCain mentions his running mate, Sarah Palin, any woman in the room must drink an entire glass of red wine.
  10. If securing the U.S.-Mexico border is brought up by the Republican candidate…tequila shots all around.
  11. If either of the candidates should quote lyrics from the song “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles, anyone in the room wearing velvet or velour must make and drink a Black Velvet: (ingredients: Guiness Stout, Brut Champagne)
  12. If John McCain should discuss his extensive “experience” it’s Sex on The Beach:(ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. peach schnapps, 1 1/2 oz. vodka, 2 oz. cranberry Juice, 2 oz. pineapple Juice, 2 oz. orange juice) cocktails for the whole crew.  Also everyone has to make out with the person to their left.
  13. If John McCain should discuss his astounding record of reform it’s time for everyone to chug a Virgin Long Island Iced Tea (Ingredients: not sure this drink exists, Coca-Cola?)
  14. And finally when John McCain mentions all of the good he’s done working on fixing our economy pour yourself a Millionaire: (ingredients: 2 oz. rye whiskey, 1/2 oz. Grand Marnier, a dash of grenadine, and an egg white).

American ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve provided you with the proper tools necessary to enjoy your friday evening activities whether there’s a debate or not. You can use this game for the other two Presidential debates as well, even though I don’t recommend it for school nights. Now go forth and get soused!

p.s. If you have any more rules you’d like to suggest…be my guest.


2 Responses to “John McCain, The Party Candidate?”

  1. Krissy said

    Ah, games like this make me miss New York…

  2. Krissy said

    p.s., omg, seriously you were so thorough as to include Alannah Myles.

    Brilliant work.

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