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Archive for September, 2008

John McCain, The Party Candidate?

Posted by evankessler on September 26, 2008

I’m having second thoughts about that last post regarding John McCain’s deceptive cowardice as evidenced by his initial refusal to debate on Friday.  As we all know, Friday is the beginning of the weekend, the night the working class typically goes out to their local watering hole to tie one on and let off some steam that’s been building up all week.  Perhaps Mr. McCain recognizes the importance of Friday night to most Americans and simply believes that watching an important political debate on their most cherished evening of the week is not what the voting public wants.  The people deserve better.  They deserve to have their debates on days where a vital moment in American History merely pre-empts an episode of “Two and A Half Men” or “According to Jim” (is that show still on?) and not a joyous evening of binge drinking where one might get lucky with a longtime crush or local skank.

That being said, with the prospect looming that the American people still could be forced to witness a Presidential debate between the Republican Candidate Senator John McCain of Arizona and Democratic Candidate Barack Hussein Obama, Senator from Illinois on the evening of Friday, September 26th; the least we could do to make the event more in keeping with what most of America would rather be doing is to create a drinking game in blue collar John McCain’s honor.

First off, if you’re going to play the John McCain debate drinking game you’re going to need to be prepared with the proper beverages and spirits on hand.  The following is a list of alcohol and peripheral ingredients to have in supply in order to play the game according to the rules that will be set forth herein:

  • One Keg of beer (hopefully procured by non-Teen Wolf)
  • Angostura Bitters
  • Coca-Cola
  • Cognac
  • Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey
  • Stolichnaya Vodka
  • Hendrick’s Gin
  • Triple Sec (I think this goes in every drink)
  • golden rum
  • Grand Marnier
  • Grenadine
  • Guiness Stout
  • Cremé De Menthe
  • Italian Vermouth
  • Kahlua
  • Orange Curacao
  • rye whiskey
  • Several bottles of Peach Schnapps
  • A case of Jagermeister
  • Several bottles of Vietnamese “ruou de” or rice alcohol
  • Several Bottles of Red Wine
  • Brut Champagne
  • Raspberry Syrup
  • Assorted Juices (pineapple, cranberry, orange, lime, lamb)
  • egg whites
  • plenty of ice

And without any further ado, the rules to the John McCain Debate Drinking Game:

If the debate is not held:

  1. Invite all your friends over and pass out plastic cups.  By the end of the evening your keg should be finished…and you will have probably finished a good portion of the hard liquor.

If the debate takes place:

  1. Before you do anything it’s important to make sure you have a chaser like Kahlua or Creme De Menthe on hand.
  2. Each time John McCain says “my friends” and awkwardly smiles all players must shout “Prost!” and do a shot of Jagermeister.
  3. Whenever John McCain seems genuinely confused about his stance on an issue everyone must do a Mind Eraser shot (ingredients: 2 oz. Vodka, 2 oz. Kahlua, 2 oz.tonic water)
  4. Each time John McCain addresses the United States’ relationship with Russia, viewers wearing even the slightest hint of red must drink a shot of Stolichnaya Vodka.
  5. Each time John McCain talks about the situation in Georgia, it’s Peach Schnapps time.
  6. WIth every mention of McCain’s stint in a Vietnamese prison viewers must swig from a bottle of  “ruou de” or Vietnamese rice alcohol.
  7. If John McCain refers to himself as a “Maverick” viewers must take off their shirts, oil each other up and play beach volleyball while downing Maverick Cocktails (ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. Vodka, 1/2 oz. Amaretto Di Saronno, 1/2 oz. Triple Sec, 2 tsp Galliano, 1 oz. Pineapple Juice) to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ “Playing With The Boys.”
  8. If Barack Obama is accused of being a liberal elitist. any players who attended an Ivy league school must make and drink a Harvard (ingredients: 1 1/2 ounces of Cognac, 1 ounce Italian Vermouth, 2 to 3 dashes of Angostura Bitters)  anyone from New York must drink a Knickerbocker (ingredients: 2 1/2 ounces of golden rum, 1 1/2 tsp Raspberry Syrup, 1/2 tsp orange curacao, 1/2 oz. lime juice, slice of lime)
  9. On every occasion where McCain mentions his running mate, Sarah Palin, any woman in the room must drink an entire glass of red wine.
  10. If securing the U.S.-Mexico border is brought up by the Republican candidate…tequila shots all around.
  11. If either of the candidates should quote lyrics from the song “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles, anyone in the room wearing velvet or velour must make and drink a Black Velvet: (ingredients: Guiness Stout, Brut Champagne)
  12. If John McCain should discuss his extensive “experience” it’s Sex on The Beach:(ingredients: 1 1/2 oz. peach schnapps, 1 1/2 oz. vodka, 2 oz. cranberry Juice, 2 oz. pineapple Juice, 2 oz. orange juice) cocktails for the whole crew.  Also everyone has to make out with the person to their left.
  13. If John McCain should discuss his astounding record of reform it’s time for everyone to chug a Virgin Long Island Iced Tea (Ingredients: not sure this drink exists, Coca-Cola?)
  14. And finally when John McCain mentions all of the good he’s done working on fixing our economy pour yourself a Millionaire: (ingredients: 2 oz. rye whiskey, 1/2 oz. Grand Marnier, a dash of grenadine, and an egg white).

American ladies and gentlemen, I think I’ve provided you with the proper tools necessary to enjoy your friday evening activities whether there’s a debate or not. You can use this game for the other two Presidential debates as well, even though I don’t recommend it for school nights. Now go forth and get soused!

p.s. If you have any more rules you’d like to suggest…be my guest.

Posted in drinking, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

McCain’s Scared Tactics

Posted by evankessler on September 25, 2008

Election day is less than forty days away and with time being of the essence, yesterday, Republican Nominee John McCain decided to suspend his campaign in order to put his full attention on the economic bailout plan.  Another stipulation of the suspension of his Presidential run was that he was opting out of Friday’s scheduled debate with Barack Obama.  Rather than discuss the problems our nation is currently having, McCain has decided to scurry off to Washington so that the nation could rely on the guidance of the elderly Arizona Senator who has admitted in the past that the economy is not his strong suit, to fix it.

While McCain is no doubt attempting to use this as leverage on an issue that he is absolutely getting slaughtered on, I have a measure of faith that the American people will no doubt be able to see through this campaign’s latest attempt to play them for the fool.  If McCain ends up debating on Friday evening look for him to use the “I didn’t want to be here debating the economy, I wanted to be  in Washington fixing it” argument.  Or something like “this is not a time for debate…this is a time for action.  Senator Obama wants to talk about something and I want to actually do something.”

If McCain doesn’t show up to take on his opponent and fellow Senator it will be a great disservice to even those on his side. For the people who have already pledged their vote to him deserve to hear his views juxtaposed with those of Senator Obama.  Not giving them that opportunity out of the fear they’ll no longer offer their support wreaks of disrespect for the mental faculties of your constituents as well as their right to make an informed decision that best benefits themselves.

The fact is, McCain knows he’s about to get embarrassed on national television in front of the entire country and that repeating the buzz words maverick, and reform will not save him.  The only thing that will is the possibility of getting in some extra time to cram before the exam, so that he could maybe spend time familiarizing himself with his own positions.

I have another idea Senator, maybe we should postpone the elections until you feel you’re in a better position to win.  In the meantime, we’ll just keep good ol’ George in office, keeping things running smoothly into the ground, like only he can.  You let us know when you’re ready because the American political system most certainly stops and starts at your convenience.

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Open Letter To The New York Mets

Posted by evankessler on September 25, 2008

Dear New York Mets,

I have been a member of the New York Metropolitans faithful since before that glorious 1986 world championship season.  I’ve stuck with the team through thick and thin,  the Dallas Green years and even Mo Vaughn.  After enduring last season’s collapse during the final seventeen games of the season, this season’s atrocious bullpen performance, and finally the debacle that was Wednesday night’s 9-6 extra inning defeat at the hands of the NL Central Champion Cubbies, I’m almost tempted to toss my arms up in the air and say, “no mas.”

It’s always required a certain amount of intestinal fortitude to be a New York Mets fan.  Each progressive offseason sees the introduction of promising new arrivals that we’re told are destined to lead a smiling Mr. Met and his round stitched baseball head soaring into the post-season.

This year we had the good fortune to acquire a brand new stud arm in the form of Johan Santana and with that myself and the rest of the Shea faithful were delighted.  Surely, this was the final piece of the puzzle we had all been waiting for after coming oh so close and ’06 and being so painfully shut out of the postseason last year.

. Surely, we were a little naive to think one man could make a difference.  They don’t make pitchers like they used to you know.  Starters aren’t often required to go the full nine innings anymore.  Sure they occasionally pitch a complete game and let the relievers rest once in awhile, but even if you have two or three guys who can eat up innings you’re going to have to rely on some other guys to finish off games for you.  And you know what, it’s not often that you’ll have a four or five run cushion to fall back on…However, when you do have a nice soft five run cushion, you shouldn’t be afraid the game is going to swing in the wrong direction every time your manager takes the ball from his ace on the mound sometime around the sixth or seventh inning.

This season has been downright offensive.  I don’t mean in the way the Mets have been scoring a lot of runs, I mean that I am offended by the lack of ability permeating from the team’s bullpen.  They turn every game that should be a solid victory into some variation of a wild roller coaster that’s sort of like Coney Island’s own Cyclone.  It’s not that fun and you have to endure a frighteningly precipitous drop and face the prospect of painful whiplash in order to get out alive. On the odd occasion that they do nail down a victory, you feel so scarred that you vow to never put yourself through it again.
Well, Metropolitans.  I’m not really sure I want to waste another four hours of my life watching my favorite team go up 5-1 on a heroic grand slam home run, only to give the runs right back, then squander several gift opportunities before accidentally stumbling into a tie only to squander more precious gifts before having that same bullpen so dutifully usher the opponent to a win via yet another awful performance.

Now with the team knotted up with Brewers for the Wild Card spot and four games left to play and even though I know the Mets motto is “Ya Gotta Believe”, I’m thinking more along the lines of “No Way. No How.  Not With This Pitching Staff.”  Please be wrong.  You have four games or you’ll lose me forever (or at least till next season).  Let’s end the stay at Shea with some pride and a little bit of postseason.

Sincerely,
Evan J. Kessler

p.s. Please chain Aaron Heilman to a pole using an impenetrable pair of titanium handcuffs and please melt the key into liquid.

Posted in baseball, Natural Disasters, New York Mets | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Clay It Ain’t So!

Posted by evankessler on September 24, 2008

Shocking news today from the world of entertainment today.  Clay Aiken is gay!

I think if you conducted a poll prior to the announcement trumpeted on this week’s People Magazine, 100% of people asked could’ve told you that.  Way to break a newsworthy story People magazine.

Apparently, the cover of next week’s People will just be a map of the United States showing all of the State Capitals.

Also, to any readers who are having trouble coping with the news of Clay Aiken’s Homosexuality, I recommend picking up a copy of Gay Dad’s 1999 album Leisure Noise.

Posted in Celebrity, Children, music | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Surprised As Hack

Posted by evankessler on September 18, 2008

It’s been all over the news the past couple of hours that Alaskan Governor and VP Candidate Sarah Palin’s Yahoo account has been hacked into.  As someone who has had a Yahoo account for just over ten years I don’t see how this comes as a surprise.  Every single day the spam filter on my yahoo account fails to prevent the flood of unsolicited junkmail advertising “Teen Girls Who Really Squirt” or claiming that I somehow won the “IRISH LOTTERY”.

If a spam filter can’t protect from such obvious trash, I don’t think anyone could ever safely assume their personal emails are embedded in an impenetrable wall of code.  Now, couple those telling signs of insecurity with the fact you are a horribly unqualified candidate in the public eye and people across the world, not even necessarily your opponent are hoping to the lord above (that you think created the earth 4,000 years ago) that you never see the inside of the oval office and you have a recipe for a hacking. It also doesn’t help when you have an obvious address such as Gov.Palin@yahoo.com

So, in closing Ms. Palin, next time you use your personal email address to conduct government business to avoid potential subpoenas, you might want to do some research on an email provider.  Oh…and another thing, those large cash deposit emails from a desperate friend that you’ve never met in the Ivory Coast are probably not legitimate ways of subsidizing your state’s economy.

Posted in Politics, technology | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

The Undecided Special

Posted by evankessler on September 17, 2008

The thing that always gets me fired up around election time is the amount of meaningless drivel that gets spewed into the ether by the candidates and their campaign teams.  In TV ads and debates everyone’s so busy telling why the other guy sucks so much that you never really hear anyone’s competence or willingness to fix a problem asserted.  They just know that the other guy can’t do it.  While I think Barack Obama’s campaign initially tried to sidestep this method his campaign has been just as guilty of rolling with the negative as McCain’s crew has, as evidenced by the “Seven” commercial.   I understand that the easiest way to get people on your side is to discredit your opponent, but to attempt to prey on the weak-minded is the eqivalent of treating a nation of constituents with utter disrespect in assuming they don’t understand the issues and therefore cannot make up their own minds.

However, if you are currently undecided as to whom you want to vote for in November and need an advertisement to tell you, maybe you are a weak-minded idiot.  If you don’t know who you want to support between The War Hero with Experience and The Pretty-Folksy “Reformer”  or The Progressive Minded Hope-monger and his Ballsy Veep choice, maybe you don’t deserve to vote.  The differences in their policies are night and day and maybe you should take a night and a day to familiarize yourself with them so you can spare the world your indecisiveness and reconcile your leanings by actually becoming decisive on the matter.

If that doesn’t sound like fun…maybe you can play a fun election game on the internet that will tell you who you should vote for based on a few statements about the issues.  If five minutes of clicking on quotes that you agree with sounds more fun than reading up on the candidates and the issues, you’ll be delighted to know that ABC has a wonderful little tool called the Match-o-Matic to tell you who you should vote for.

My Match-O-Matic Told Me I Should Support Obama!

My Match-O-Matic Told Me I Should Support Obama!

And getting back to the issues. I was actually delighted today by Obama’s new ad addressing the current financial crisis, that instead of harping on McCain’s senility, actually addressed one of the more important issues facing our nation head on.

Isn’t it refreshing to hear someone discuss an issue.

In the meantime, here’s an utterly ridiculous, nothing to do with anything non-issue heavy McCain Campaign ad.

While I have no doubt McCain’s campaign will come out with a more measured response to the Obama ad in the coming days, I’m pretty glad Obama had the chance to play the adult and have the audacity to actually admit that something is very wrong here as opposed to McCain’s insinuation that “the fundamentals of the economy are strong.”

As someone who has had their share of hard times finding employment, this is an extremely troubling time.  It’s my hope that with forty eight days to election day (and my birthday) that the issues start coming to the forefront moreso than John McCain’s years in a VC prison and Barack Obama’s community organizing…all heroic and positive things, but not the things that will ultimately shape our nation.

Before I finish I have one final request of the candidates, even though no one outside the people I know will probably read this.  It’s my hope that during the debates when the candidates are asked that first question of the evening they spare the pleasantries and don’t waste five minutes thanking and naming everyone under the sun who had a hand in putting together the debates.  We get it, you’re thankful that some college or civic center let you have a debate in their auditorium..and we know you love your families but not thanking them for allowing you to skip dinner that night doesn’t make the world any more or less likely to explode under your watch.  Please just discuss the issues.  Thank you.

Posted in Patriotism, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

You Tryin’ To Help Ike?

Posted by evankessler on September 12, 2008

ike-turnerAs Hurricane Ike hurtles towards Galveston, I have but one question for the National Weather Service or whomever names these things.  Isn’t Ike a nickname?  I wasn’t aware that nicknames were part of the list of storm names.  When Hurricane Isaac comes along some 20 years from now are they going to shorten it into Ike.  Is there going to be a tropical storm Cher and Tropical Storm Cheryl?  These are things I want to know.

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Rudy Giuliani Day

Posted by evankessler on September 11, 2008

Remember seven years ago today when Rudy Giuliani did all of those great things.  I don’t really remember what it was about, but it was something about Rudy Giuliani not negotiating with terrorists because he was a Republican and a really great Mayor.  That was a day that gave him so much experience and made him such a better person than everyone else who might run this country. He really showed us that we knew where he stood on the issue of National Security.  Surely no other person that could’ve served as mayor that day and been as great as Rudy Giuliani was.

Well it’s Rudy Giuliani’s favorite day yet again and he’s no doubt celebrating in style.  He’s probably hosting a $911 a plate gala for himself with 911 guests and giving one helluva a speech in which he’ll attempt a world record by repeating the phrase nine-eleven, 911 straight times (he already holds the record for saying the actual date non-consecutively which stands strong at 911,000 not sure if that will ever be broken).   That Rudy Giuliani surely knows how to party.  While Rudy Giuliani gets his 9-11 on, no doubt taking some time to let everyone know how ill prepared any democrat is to be mayor of the country should 9-11 happen next year or the year after that, there are plenty of families missing loved ones who probably don’t care who was Mayor on 9/11/2001 anymore.  Either way, Rudy Giuliani is sure to keep reminding everyone about his triumph on New York’s darkest day, whether it’s during a presidential election or lunch at Katz’s delicatessen, for the rest of his life.

So in keeping with the fact that Rudy Giuliani will never stop reminding us that he was the Mayor of New York on 9/11, I suggest that we name 9/11 Rudy Giuliani day.  That way we “never forget” his contribution to American history.  All in favor say aye.

Posted in holidays, Patriotism, Politics | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

SuperPoke and Dagger

Posted by evankessler on September 5, 2008

One of the more interesting and puzzling news stories I’ve seen in the past few days that is not related to McCain’s VP, was CNN’s article on the Social Networking site for spies. A-Space is a social-networking site for analysts within the 16 U.S. intelligence agencies that allows them to share secret intelligence data, sensitive information regarding pressing world issues, and even gives them the option to collect friends. Way to publicize a secret network of information between spies and just who those spies are! That should give international hackers plenty of reason to attempt to infiltrate your network.

While Central Intelligence is busy destroying all exciting and romanticized notions of “Cloak and dagger” such as covert suitcase exchanges, in favor of Superpoking each other with secret files and throwing bowtie cameras at each other, perhaps an enemy developer should be busy creating an online Risk application so that staffers spend the majority of their time challenging each other in Hasbro’s game of strategic conquest instead of doing actual work. You know, sort of like scrabulous did for the masses.

Posted in Government, Social Networking, technology | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Dork Days of September

Posted by evankessler on September 4, 2008

The circle of life.  As one sport winds down it’s season another one begins anew.  With summer in the books and the 2008 baseball regular season nearing it’s end with Urethra Franklin (my fantasy baseball team) firmly entrenched in a first round playoff battle, it’s time to make a new start…or two new starts.

The past two days have been filled with extreme pragmatism in determining the direction of these fresh foundations as I spent both Tuesday and Wednesday evenings attending to the needs of not one but two teams in two separate fantasy football leagues.

Tuesday’s festivities took place at The Lighthouse Tavern as a largely unfamiliar cluster of owners took to the bar’s backroom to draft the squad which they will count on to carry them to the pantheon of Fantasy Football greatness for the 2008 season.  I was in the fortunate position of drafting third for my team The New Clear Hollow Cost (if you think really hard you can figure out what they were called last year) and thus was confident my first three pics would be of high caliber.  Seated with Adam, his girlfriend Kelly, and Cory; familiar faces from last year’s proceedings, I rattled off my first three picks.  Brian Westbrook, Braylon Edwards, Reggie Bush.  In the past, I would’ve never picked someone such as Brian Westbrook a member of the Philadelphia Eagles, hated rivals of my beloved New York Giants…but this is a business and when it’s business time this GM picks the best player around

Hated Philadelphia Eagle, Beloved Member of The New Clear Hollow Cost

Brian Westbrook: Hated Philadelphia Eagle, Beloved Member of The New Clear Hollow Cost

I was quite pleased with myself the way the proceedings were going until I reached a crucial decision in the fourth round.  Debating the merits of two running backs,  Julius Jones vs. Thomas Jones, and having not read enough on either of their teams the previous two days I picked the former, a crucial error as Julius Jones would be splitting his workload with two other players.  Round 5 resumed business as usual as I scooped up Green Bay Wide Receiver Greg Jennings.  While I’m not exactly thrilled with my two quarterbacks, I’d say the rest of the affair, while lengthy, went off without incident.  I may have even picked a sleeper to compensate for my earlier mistake in a certain Baltimore Ravens Running Back.  Only time will tell if I was redeemed and it’s certainly a long season.

Wednesday evening was quite a different story.  Curled up on my couch with the horribly disturbing and distracting Republican national convention playing in the background, I sat with my computer and my cheatsheets not typing in a lot of idle chatter in the draft room, simply trying to select the very best players to make up the team I affectionately and hilariously (at least I think it’s hilarious) named Who Favre-ted?  I was not blessed with the best order as I was given the eight selection and often found the players I planned on picking were gone by the time it was my turn.  I was however fortunate to score some reasonably big names in the first ten rounds, the biggest victory being St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson lasting until the eighth spot.  Hallelujah.

Steven Jackson

Who Favre-ted?: Steven Jackson

Somewhere in there though I was quite distracted by the TV goings on as the douchebag Republican delegation started chanting “Drill Baby Drill!” in response to a call for more offshore drilling to decrease dependency on foreign resources.  I thought to myself, this is a sensitive environmental issue that requires real discussion, it’s not as if you’re cheering for the fucking mindless Go Cornhuskers Go chant to score a touchdown.  Drill baby drill?  Really?

Anyway, I think I sort of lost my concentration at this point but ended up with a decent draft here too.  Again, it is a long season and every little bit of information and the results of all of the non-scientific research relied upon are subject to change on a dime.  Half of these guys probably won’t be on my team by year’s end…but for 5 shining hours over two days, I spent my precious time selecting them to be part of my elite few.

Are you ready for some football?  I am.

Posted in Fantasy Baseball, Fantasy Football, Football, Park Slope, Patriotism, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »