Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Face The Nation: A Facebook User’s Manifesto

Posted by evankessler on July 2, 2008

Dear readers of EvanKessler.com and Facebook users in general,

We live in a grand era of online social networking, where people can connect with their friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and long lost loves at the click of a button. We can even spy on the girl that lived down the block from us when we were twelve years old whom we had our first sexual fantasy about. Yes, social networking makes it that easy to keep tabs on  or stay connected to just about everyone with whom we’ve ever shared a passing glance.

Well I say, “get over it.” There is no point in trying to maintain friendships with everyone you’ve ever known or seen. Who do you think you are online Jesus Christ? You can’t love everyone. The way I see it, each new social networking site that tends to capture the attention of this bored out of their mind at work, internet-addicted generation,falls victim to the same pitfall…one that I like to call “overfriendization.” You may recall a similar post in which I railed against people coming out of “the woodworks” to befriend not only myself, but tons of other people they’ve proven to have no interest in talking to. Well, just the other day, one of these “woodwork” friends connected with me for not the first, not the second, but the third time, despite my deletion of her from the ranks of people I refer to as my friends on two previous occasions.

She was not deleted with malicious intent. I was more or less just trimming the ranks of people who hadn’t spoken to me and whom I hadn’t spoken with in quite some time. By quite some time, I mean a matter of years. I saw no use in having people as ornamental friends and so I “cut the fat”. Unfortunately, Facebook has a feature that alerts its users of other “people you may know.” I surmised that each time I cut said “friend” from the ranks, my photo continued to appear on the “People You May Know” list and seeing as said person is so mindlessly addicted to adding “People You May Know” she continues to add me to her ranks in her subliminal or not so subliminal quest to earn the most friends, completely unaware of the fact that we had been “friends” on two prior occasions.

This pointless cycle created by the ease of adding “friends” all willy-nilly at the click of a button has inspired me to create a manifesto of sorts relating to the usage of Facebook, in an attempt to put an end to the madness of “overfriendization” and other problems facing social networking. It’s not really a manifesto so much as it is a simple list of demands and/or rules for Facebook users to abide by in order to make it’s existence more palatable and therefore allow it to sustain a more lengthy period of success than that of it’s predecessors, whose sites have so mercilessly been turned “totally gay”.

So without further ado…

The Rules of Facebook:

1. If you do not plan on sending someone a message or inviting them to an event, do not become friends with them That goes both ways.

2. If you choose to make someone your Facebook friend, you are obligated to make contact with them first in the form of a regular wall post, instant message, or message…unless you’ve seen each other in the past week and have regular communications

3. Friends of Friends are not your friends. It is not okay to friend them unless you’ve met before and shared enjoyable conversations. This can be remedied by starting a conversation or message sent make your intentions to get to know someone better immediately after your friend request is accepted, but is generally frowned upon. Don’t let them sit there as an ornament…that is grounds for deletion.

4. If you think someone deleted you as a friend, don’t friend them again. It’s a really awkward position to be in to have to de-friend someone more than once.

5. Don’t friend someone just so you can see their photos.

6. A Funwall message of a silly video of a cat doing something crazy does not constitute a message nor does any funwall message for that matter. Let’s face it, the funwall should be renamed StupidMessageWall.

7. Poking is not a valid form of communication.

8. Do not friend people for the sole purpose of having ten people to forward applications to so that you may see your results on an IQ test or other pointless exam you took without pissing off your actual friends.

9. You don’t have to be friends with everyone in the “people you may know” section. Just because you may know them doesn’t mean they actually know you or even have the slightest need to do so.

10. You don’t have to be friends with everyone you went to high school with or who graduated the same year as you from college.

11. There is no need to send an application to ALL of your friends.

12. Not everyone wants to play Scramble with you. It’s not nearly as fun as Scrabulous.

13. Do not use any form of SuperPoke and expect to get Superpoked back.

14. Giving someone a Facebook drink does not make up for that beer that you owe them from the last time you went out.

15. The “War on Child Sexploitation” will not be won by joining a group against it on Facebook.

16. Do not update your status every time you do something new such as sit down, stand up or eat lunch. It’s not terribly interesting. Everything is better in moderation.

17. Status braggarts will not be tolerated.

18. Do not use Facebook to first announce any major personal lifestyle changes. If we have to learn that you’ve come out of the closet and you’re engaged to your lover from the “Interested In” and
“Relationship Status” tabs instead of from you personally, we’re de-friending you in real life and on Facebook.

That does it for the preliminary version of this Facebook Users Manifesto. If you have anything to add, feel free to do so and perhaps I will add it in as an amendment in an updated version. Thank you for reading and please take all of these rules into consideration so that we the people who use Facebook can one day be a more prosperous bunch.

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One Response to “Face The Nation: A Facebook User’s Manifesto”

  1. Not bad!

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