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Archive for July, 2008

QUAKE ’08: Safety Tips for Future Quakes

Posted by evankessler on July 30, 2008

Well faithful readers, A day has past since the rumble in the urban jungle shook the souls of the heavenly beings in the City of Angels, and while the fright still lingers, much of that fear has been replaced by a newfound alertness. People all over the city, nay the world, have stopped to think about how they’ll prepare for the next time mother nature decides to exercise her latent wrath.

While no one can be truly prepared for an earthquake, we here at EvanKessler.com know that there are certain things you can do to attempt to be safe next time an earthquake should attempt to rattle your nerves. So without further ado we present you a list of safety tips to prevent tragedy in the case that another earthquake should eventually occur:

  1. Make sure you are always standing in a doorway. Earthquakes never hurt people standing in doorways. If you work in an office, make sure your desk is located in a doorway; or if you are in school make sure to always listen to the teacher from the safe confines of a doorway.
  2. Always keep canned goods and bottled water in the place you are going to be when the next earthquake occurs…most likely the doorway.
  3. Keep a can opener in the doorway
  4. If you happen to not be in the doorway (you are obviously ignoring the safety tips) when the next earthquake occurs, it is wise to stop drop and roll. In an earthquake the ground rolls beneath you, so rolling on the ground is supported by the earthquake’s natural motion. This will mostly likely cause you to be rolled into a safe place, like a doorway…or into a wall.
  5. Become an Astronaut. If you spend most of your time living on a space station you will not be affected by earthquakes.
  6. If you experience an earthquake and miraculously survive after not standing in a doorway, go to the supermarket that hasn’t collapsed and buy canned goods and place them in the doorway and remember rules one through five in the event of an aftershock.
  7. If you haven’t learned enough about Earthquake Safety…watch this wonderful video starring the wondefully talented John Ritter from the 20th Century.

Well, that does it for our coverage of QUAKE ’08. We here at EvanKessler.com hope you gained a lot from our exclusive coverage of this story. In the future we encourage you to be safe so that your next Quake experience has you shaking in your shoes a little less.

Posted in Earthquake '08, Exclusive, Mother Nature, Natural Disasters | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

QUAKE ’08: In Depth Coverage of The LA Quake of 7/29/08

Posted by evankessler on July 29, 2008

At 11:42 Pacific D (not sure what that stands for) Time, a magnitude 5.8 earthquake rattled the city of Los Angeles.  We here at EvanKessler.com decided to spring into immediate action to cover the events as they unfolded.  Our first course of action was this post, which will be followed up by a series of first hand accounts and interviews from the victims of this shaky situation.  Stay tuned for the latest, we’re on it!

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The Hillz

Posted by evankessler on July 16, 2008

Dear Black America,

You have such a rich, proud, cultural heritage. Please refrain from co-opting our penchant for voraciously indulging in our own vapidity and rewarding limited talent with celebrity. It’s all we’ve got.


White America

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Courtesy of The Red, White, and Blue

Posted by evankessler on July 8, 2008

(sing the following to the first minute and a half to Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of The Red, White and Blue”)

American Girls and American Guys Got Together This Weekend With Some Indians and Thais

There were even Pakistanis there

We don’t discriminate

So we could marinate steak to talk about as something we ate.

We threw on those charcoals and piled them up high

There was asparagus in butter… and lemon ready on the side

There were Dips…and veggies…and different kinds of meats… to grill up and enjoy on this day we had free.

We sat on people’s roofs and in their yards in the back

We joked around a lot but we never played hacky sack

Soon as we got hungry and ready to dine

Yeah we lit up that grill, it was the 4th of July.

Uncle Sam put our name at the top of his list

To enjoy a hearty meal without raising a fist

We had a few beers it really was swell

To hear mother freedom ringin’ her dinner bell

In this land she made just for me and you

Brought to you Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue


Wow, now if you have never heard that Toby Keith song…You’d have no idea what I was trying to do there. Anyway, this weekend was the 4th of July as evidenced by that little lyrical re-imagining of one of the most patriotic songs ever, minus the “boot in yer ass”, plus the date being July 7th it would only be natural for me to be recapping the 4th of July weekend now.

However, with most of America having the Friday the 4th off, the weekend began in earnest on July 3rd. And in keeping with the spirit of pretty much the entire summer so far…faced with pleasant weather, there was BBQing to be done. Our Thursday night BBQ outing took place at Kishore’s yet again…and yet again I was one of the early guests to arrive. Actually, this time I was the first arriving slightly after the advertised time of 6pm. People slowly began to arrive though and Kishore and I were joined by Andrea, Andy, Ajay, Enisha, Kayvalyn, Rich,Suli, Jeff, Morwin, Lauren, Ahmad, Erika, Lauren, and Rosario to pretty much round out the crew and send the evening off to a roaring success.

Before we coasted into the evening activity though, there was food to be prepared. Andrea and I created burgers from scratch using our magical ability to conjure meat, pepper, garlic, jalapenos. and other assorted flavorings. There was also corn, steak, chicken, and plenty of chips. Once the festivities moved outside the conversation turned to Bryan Adams for one reason or another and I set up my iPod to play “Everything I Do, I Do It For You” but Rich spoiled the fun by shutting it off even though Andrea and Andy were sharing and intimate moment reminiscing over junior high dance steps.

A Traditional Array of BBQ Meat-age

As the sky grew dark the conversation became intensely focused on figuring out the long standing puzzle of how the hell everyone in our group of friends actually knew each other. Apparently Andy had taken upon himself to create a flow chart more or less explaining the connections. It was a master work if I have ever seen one. He might end up taking a Nobel Prize if he ever proves it to be correct.

Andy And His Masterwork

From heated conversation emerged a heated competition in the form of a game of quarters. Most of the party went inside to partake in drinking game hi-jinks of the kind that I continually refuse to partake in. It’s not that I don’t like fun. I just don’t like drinking competitively and vomiting. I consider myself to be a man of leisure, not a savage combatant in matters of the gullet. Anyway, the evening eventually ended. Someone ended up vomiting as a result of the game and Kayvalyn and I ended up walked towards our area of Brooklyn together sometime around 1:30am.

The next morning, was July 4th. I woke up around 11am. John and Zerna were having early BBQ festivities at their Williamsburg abode but I was a little slow getting up. I made plans to meet at Kishore’s place at 1pm, but before making it over there I decided I would go online and download some American songs. I only ended up actually getting two, Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” and Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band”. Fresh off my patriotic music triumphs I made my way over to Kishore’s so that I could get in his automobile along with Kayvalyn, Enisha and Andy and travel to our point of BBQing. It was a while before we actually left on account that not everyone showed up at 1pm…but I didn’t really expect them to.

When we arrived at John and Zerna’s there was already a fine display being worked out but we left to go pick up some additional goods from the grocery store in the way of beer and tonic (not to mix together). From then on the party was in full swing as Baby Lea partied in the splashed around in her kiddie pool…the older kids stood around in the sand pit and Rich, John and Kishore did their fair share of grilling. I even put on my two American songs, though they didn’t get the enthusiast response I was hoping for.

Miller and His Un-American Beer

When Miller arrived I chided him for bringing unAmerican beer (Corona) on our nation’s big day. He was also reading a book about an Austrian Trade Theory. Methinks Miller is plotting something.

It wouldn’t have been a BBQ in Williamsburg without a bit of hipster sport and wouldn’t you know it, we brought a long a badminton net so that everyone could bang the ol’ shuttlecock around. After about two and a half hours of John and Zerna’s action…our group, largely consisting of the previous evening’s crowd made a move for their other forth of July festivities.

Knockin’ The Shuttlecock Around

4th of July Crew#1 As Amurrican As Apple Pie

I jumped on the G train back to the slope and in what seemed like no time I had arrived at Goody and Chris’s 4th of July Rockin’ eve. I can’t really say it was all that different from the last BBQ I had been there for other than it didn’t really rain this time around. It was still an excellent time with fine folks like Josh R, Chris M, Hope, Reva, Katie, and of course our hosts Chris and Goody amongst others. I’d say the highlight of the evening was towards the end when we engaged in a game of pin the tail on Rob’s window or the picture of “The Donkey” that was on Rob’s window. I was the reluctant first contestant and though I don’t think I came close I was a sport of a guinea pig. The evening ended without really taking in any fireworks but that didn’t make in any less American. As long as one can eat meat and drink budweiser, it’s a July 4th worth remembering.

Hope and Chris M…All-American…All The Time

Oh…I’ll Pin The Tail On That Donkey

A Donkey Unscathed

Saturday morning felt a lot like Sunday…and with obvious reason. It was already the third day of the weekend and with two consecutive days of drinking under my belt I was plenty exhausted. I could’ve spent the entire day in bed, but rather than operate for 24 hours without a purpose, I spent the majority of the morning and afternoon fixing my living space in preparation for the birthday celebrations for my roommate Laura B. Not that anyone would be lviing it up in my room, it was just that we were having guests over and I thought my slavenly appearance ought not to be accompanied by a room that resembled that compost room on the Death Star in Star Wars, so I did my best Rosie The Robot impression and picked up what amounted to an awful mess.

It was around 6:30pm when the crowd began to roll in and a lively bunch it was. Andrew Morton, Renga, Trish, Kelly, Mike H, Greg C, Pete F, Stephen and Katie H were all on hand for the festivities. We had all done our part in making the festivities edibles. Mike helped prepare the Pork Loin, Laura made the guac, Renga and kelly made sidedishes and other folks brought on the alcohol. Before we dove headfirst into the meal, we need to get ourselves suitably lubricated with alcohol and so we used Danny Devito’s Limoncello margerita recipe and got our drink on. Renga also made a punch with ground up strawberries that was delicious.

The Birthday Girl Concocts on Danny Devito’s Limoncello Margaritas

With alcoholic beverages in tow and the meal yet to come…the piece de resistance made it’s debut appearance. Renga had made Laura’s birthday cake…It was a buttcake… and it just may have been one of the greatest cakes of all time in both appearance and taste.

The cake was fashioned out of brownies, rice krispy treats, and frosting to account for the skin color and thong decorations. It was pretty much a work of art. I can’t really say enough about it so I won’t. I’ll just let the picture do the talking.

Behold The Buttcake

After our heart meal of Pork, Potatoes and various sides we all gathered in Laura’s room for some film viewing. The original plan was to screen a movie on Dan’s projector but Dan never made it because he spent all day repairing the door in his apartment that had been knocked off when it was broken into merely hours before. Luckily for Dan, he had installed video camera a few days before and actually caught the intruder/thief on tape and busted him, but alas he never made it in time for buttcake and to take in an episode of the classing early 90’s TV show: MST3K as they viewed the cult film Manos: The Hands of Fate. Well, a few of the folks watching were too drunk to enjoy and fell asleep, but the majority of us spent the entire hour plus laughing our asses off and going back for buttcake seconds.

It was an evening full of simple pleasures…alcohol, laughter, and buttcake. It came to a relatively early end around midnight but several of the revelers decided to keep their buzz alive by hitting up the bars…but not me…and not Andrew…and not Bassett. We called it an evening as we had certainly celebrated enough.

Sunday pretty closely resembled the early part of Saturday save for cleaning. Not a lot of activity…mostly hungover…blah…blah…blah. Renga and Andrew came over around 7pm and along with Mike and Matt we gathered to watch the downfall of American culture that is VH1’s “I Love Money.” That’s how the weekend ended…and we liked it…and if you don’t…we’ll put a boot in yer ass…it’s the American way!

Posted in BBQ, birthday party, birthdays, Brooklyn, drinking, holiday, Park Slope, Patriotism, Weekend Recap | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

God Bless The U.S.A.

Posted by evankessler on July 4, 2008

Happy July 4th everyone.  I’d like to say a few words about this great country of ours, but sometimes words aren’t powerful enough.  Sometimes you need lasers to accompany those words.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the laser equipment to make a kick ass laser light show that says just how much I love this land, but luckily I don’t need it, as the folks at Audio Visual Imagineering have done a wonderful job getting those sentiments across without my guidance.  However, I would appreciate that if in the future, those same folks at Audio Visual Imagineering need to get any sentiments across, they would seek out my guidance before putting something like this together.  I’ll let them off the hook this one time as they’ve done a pretty wonderful job relaying just how wonderful this country is with a combinations of laser visuals and song.  Anyway, without further ado, Audio Visual Imagineering’s presentation of “God Bless The U.S.A.” laser module.  Happy 232nd Birthday America!

Posted in holiday, music, Patriotism, technology, visual art, YouTube | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Face The Nation: A Facebook User’s Manifesto

Posted by evankessler on July 2, 2008

Dear readers of EvanKessler.com and Facebook users in general,

We live in a grand era of online social networking, where people can connect with their friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and long lost loves at the click of a button. We can even spy on the girl that lived down the block from us when we were twelve years old whom we had our first sexual fantasy about. Yes, social networking makes it that easy to keep tabs on  or stay connected to just about everyone with whom we’ve ever shared a passing glance.

Well I say, “get over it.” There is no point in trying to maintain friendships with everyone you’ve ever known or seen. Who do you think you are online Jesus Christ? You can’t love everyone. The way I see it, each new social networking site that tends to capture the attention of this bored out of their mind at work, internet-addicted generation,falls victim to the same pitfall…one that I like to call “overfriendization.” You may recall a similar post in which I railed against people coming out of “the woodworks” to befriend not only myself, but tons of other people they’ve proven to have no interest in talking to. Well, just the other day, one of these “woodwork” friends connected with me for not the first, not the second, but the third time, despite my deletion of her from the ranks of people I refer to as my friends on two previous occasions.

She was not deleted with malicious intent. I was more or less just trimming the ranks of people who hadn’t spoken to me and whom I hadn’t spoken with in quite some time. By quite some time, I mean a matter of years. I saw no use in having people as ornamental friends and so I “cut the fat”. Unfortunately, Facebook has a feature that alerts its users of other “people you may know.” I surmised that each time I cut said “friend” from the ranks, my photo continued to appear on the “People You May Know” list and seeing as said person is so mindlessly addicted to adding “People You May Know” she continues to add me to her ranks in her subliminal or not so subliminal quest to earn the most friends, completely unaware of the fact that we had been “friends” on two prior occasions.

This pointless cycle created by the ease of adding “friends” all willy-nilly at the click of a button has inspired me to create a manifesto of sorts relating to the usage of Facebook, in an attempt to put an end to the madness of “overfriendization” and other problems facing social networking. It’s not really a manifesto so much as it is a simple list of demands and/or rules for Facebook users to abide by in order to make it’s existence more palatable and therefore allow it to sustain a more lengthy period of success than that of it’s predecessors, whose sites have so mercilessly been turned “totally gay”.

So without further ado…

The Rules of Facebook:

1. If you do not plan on sending someone a message or inviting them to an event, do not become friends with them That goes both ways.

2. If you choose to make someone your Facebook friend, you are obligated to make contact with them first in the form of a regular wall post, instant message, or message…unless you’ve seen each other in the past week and have regular communications

3. Friends of Friends are not your friends. It is not okay to friend them unless you’ve met before and shared enjoyable conversations. This can be remedied by starting a conversation or message sent make your intentions to get to know someone better immediately after your friend request is accepted, but is generally frowned upon. Don’t let them sit there as an ornament…that is grounds for deletion.

4. If you think someone deleted you as a friend, don’t friend them again. It’s a really awkward position to be in to have to de-friend someone more than once.

5. Don’t friend someone just so you can see their photos.

6. A Funwall message of a silly video of a cat doing something crazy does not constitute a message nor does any funwall message for that matter. Let’s face it, the funwall should be renamed StupidMessageWall.

7. Poking is not a valid form of communication.

8. Do not friend people for the sole purpose of having ten people to forward applications to so that you may see your results on an IQ test or other pointless exam you took without pissing off your actual friends.

9. You don’t have to be friends with everyone in the “people you may know” section. Just because you may know them doesn’t mean they actually know you or even have the slightest need to do so.

10. You don’t have to be friends with everyone you went to high school with or who graduated the same year as you from college.

11. There is no need to send an application to ALL of your friends.

12. Not everyone wants to play Scramble with you. It’s not nearly as fun as Scrabulous.

13. Do not use any form of SuperPoke and expect to get Superpoked back.

14. Giving someone a Facebook drink does not make up for that beer that you owe them from the last time you went out.

15. The “War on Child Sexploitation” will not be won by joining a group against it on Facebook.

16. Do not update your status every time you do something new such as sit down, stand up or eat lunch. It’s not terribly interesting. Everything is better in moderation.

17. Status braggarts will not be tolerated.

18. Do not use Facebook to first announce any major personal lifestyle changes. If we have to learn that you’ve come out of the closet and you’re engaged to your lover from the “Interested In” and
“Relationship Status” tabs instead of from you personally, we’re de-friending you in real life and on Facebook.

That does it for the preliminary version of this Facebook Users Manifesto. If you have anything to add, feel free to do so and perhaps I will add it in as an amendment in an updated version. Thank you for reading and please take all of these rules into consideration so that we the people who use Facebook can one day be a more prosperous bunch.

Posted in Internet, lists, old friends, rules, Social Networking | Tagged: | 1 Comment »