Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

#600: The Evan Kessler None on One Interview

Posted by evankessler on June 5, 2008

It’s a grey, drizzly, and quite humid day in the Park Slope section of Brooklyn when I meet up with Evan Kessler for this interview. Our rendezvous is taking place at the Post Mark Café, a Fair Trade Church-run coffee shop as suggested by Mr. Kessler. I find it to be an odd location perhaps as odd as the subject himself. I was a little nervous, unsure if the veteran blogger and aspiring writer who boasts an impressive array of blogs and also writes for a few other ventures not associated with himself, would prove to be as witty in person as he was in his writing. I was afraid that I would have to trade barbs and keep up with a feverish back and forth . Much to my delight, when the subject of this interview arrived wearing a warm green woolen sweater and sporting an effortless smile framed by a scruffy yet fashionable and manly beard, I found him charming and almost thoughtful as his hazel-ish eyes peered across the table; though that pleasant demeanor soon gave way to a slightly combative yet disarmingly wry nature that persisted throughout our time together. I could never quite be sure if he liked me, yet I almost immediately understood his appeal as both a human being and a humorist…not to mention a dominant sexual being.

EvanKessler.com: So what’s up?
Evan Kessler: The sky.

EK.COM: Isn’t that sort of a douchebaggy thing to say?
EK: What isn’t a douchebaggy thing to say?

EK.COM: Touché.
EK: Now that’s a douchebaggy thing to say. You are a douchebag this interview is over.

“I ran out of the castle completely naked…”

EK.COM: That’s it?
EK: Well you have seven seconds to redeem yourself.

EK.COM: I hear you went to Syracuse…I went there myself.
EK: Oh, a fellow Orangeman, now I have eternal respect for you. You have extremely polished interviewing skills and I shall answer any question you put in front of me…and frankly, you have hypnotic eyes.

“When the chips are down…you’d better hope they’re potato chips…”

EK.COM: You’re getting very sleepy
EK: (Yawn)

EK.COM: Are you falling under my spell?
EK: No but this interviewing thing is getting boring.

EK.COM: Alright, I’ll cut to the chase…600 Posts…Any fond memories?
EK: Well, I could tell you a few but you probably couldn’t print them and most of them involve the unmentionables of Ava Gardner…but I don’t like to kiss and tell.

“On a scale from one to ten I’d give her a seven…”

EK.COM: I’d hate to force you into doing something ungentlemanly.
EK: Gentlemen wear ties. Do you see any gentlemen in here?

EK.COM: So then you don’t mind kissing and telling?
EK: Fuck off, next question!

EK.COM: At what point do you look at your site and think, “This stuff is really catching on?”
EK: Well, frankly I knew it was going to be a huge success the moment I first typed the words “Welcome To EvanKessler.com”…which had to be sometime in 1983, which is ironic since I was only four and a half at the time I wrote it, which meant I had a tremendous amount of foresight as to where technology would lead us. Some people say Al Gore invented the internet. I say Al Gore stole the Internet from Evan Kessler…but he’s doing a pretty decent job saving the environment even though the environment almost certainly cannot be saved.

EK.COM: Why do you say that?
EK: Because sometimes it’s the only word that will fit to link two parts of a sentence.

“I’m saying if it’s French, we probably already own it…”

EK.COM: What do you think the biggest problems facing the world today are?
EK: Well, if by “the world”, you mean we’re specifically talking about the problems of the American Nation-State, I’d have to say our two biggest problems are Sickle Cell Anemia and single mothers. Did you know by 2010 100% of Americans will be diagnosed with Sickle Cell Anemia…though about 76% of those diagnoses will be false, so that highlights an entirely different problem with the healthcare system…and as far as Single Mothers go, I think Dan Quayle said it best when he said, “Murphy Brown needs a man..stat!” That man was a visionary. I still have a hard time understanding how he didn’t eventually end up president. He was always so prescient when stating the issues facing our great land.

EK.COM: You’ve got a lot of blogs, what’s your favorite project you’ve come up with in the last few years?
EK: Well, In the past year I started a program to prevent school children from being eaten by sharks. It’s called Stay In School and Out of Shark’s Mouths or SISOSM…it’s a good acronym. It really flows. I don’t put the little words in my acronyms. Too much letter clutter.

“It didn’t make sense to listen to a Shania Twain album any longer…”

EK.COM: You seem like a highly intelligent being. Is there any moment you’ve doubted your ability to create engaging content?
EK: First of all, thank you for the compliment. You can remove your hands from the inside of my pant leg now. I’d say more nice things about you but I don’t go that far on the first date, sweetie. As for your question, I think we all have moments where we’re forced into the murkiest depths of humanity where the only consolation prize is a cold bowl of oatmeal and a moldy ice cream cone filled with sour cream and frozen urine that everyone says is lemonade. However it’s those things that make us stronger and able to taste the sweetness of the tears of victory as well as the tears that result from the agony of our most hated enemies. So, I guess you could say, yes I have doubted myself at times. Though those moments are few and far between and more on a weekly basis than a daily one.

EK.COM: So who inspires you to create and in turn inspire others?
EK: Well, I don’t really pay attention to other people but I do like the celebrity sightings section at Gawker. Reading that Sienna Miller ate dinner at a restaurant twenty minutes from where I live inspires me to realize that there are places where I could be eating dinner even closer than that.

EK.COM: So no single person inspires you?
EK: Inspiration is the tool of the weak-minded who have never had an original idea in their lives.

“It was probably the darkest day in American History class…”

EK.COM: And you think interviewing yourself for your own website is an original idea?
EK: No comment. Maybe?

EK.COM: Alright, so after over four years and 600 posts do you have any hopes and dreams for the future? Perhaps, 600 more posts?
EK: Are you kidding? If I have to do 600 more posts on this crappy site before striking it rich and becoming a world famous celebrity who gets showered with praise and pussy around every corner, then I’m checking out. I better be living on my own Island by this time in 2012, having Hugh Hefner personally ship playmates in to cater to my every fantastical whim.

EK.COM:
Well, I certainly wish your champagne wishes and caviar dreams come true. Best of Luck.
EK: I hate fish eggs…get the hell out of here!

EK.COM:
Thanks for your time. This has been a delight.
EK: The pleasure’s all on this side of the table.

FIN

p.s…Thanks for sticking around so long…now buy some shirts.

Sincerely,
Evan Kessler

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2 Responses to “#600: The Evan Kessler None on One Interview”

  1. […] thought about replicating the terribly innovative way I interviewed myself for post #600, but that hardly seemed original.  I thought about soliciting someone really famous like Bono for […]

  2. […] and a half years ago I stumbled upon a most interesting interview with the American blogger and humorist Evan J. Kessler. The subject managed to be charming and […]

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