Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Archive for March 15th, 2007

The Continuing Story of Pub Quiz ( The Correct Answers)

Posted by evankessler on March 15, 2007

This here is the story of an above average Wednesday night in Brooklyn. Like all good stories there’s going to be some preamble and exposition before we get to the meaty part. When all is said and done, even if you aren’t sure you’ve heard the meatiest part, you can rest assured that you have.

Now what would a Wednesday be without a Tuesday. Odds are it would be a Tuesday. I wouldn’t be doin’ Wednesday any dang justice by neglecting to tell you just how this young sharpshooter spent his Tuesday. Legend has it that Evan Kessler spend his darn tootin’ Tuesday in the most darnedest way possible. He aimed his six shooter at a target about 2 miles away in Manhattan, trying hit the employment bullseye. Unfortunately, that bullet completely missed even the outermost target and ricocheted off a few buildings before settling all nice and quiet like on a sidestreet somewhere under a marquee. The best part about that is he didn’t even have to leave his Brooklyn Apartment. He was firing shots all over the place and while no targets were hit, nothing got damaged ‘cept for maybe the pride of this young sharpshooter.

Our hero figured to take a stroll and stop feelin’ so doggone down. As he strolled outside down the dusty path into town he had the sweet tune of Ryan Adams “She’s Lost Total Control” bouncing around his brain. He headed on to his local savings and loan to watch the money swirl around from his unemployment fund to his checking account. “Look at that there money go”, he exclaimed. Not once did it occur to him to knock the joint over. A job like that is best left to outlaws like Jesse James, William H. Bonney, or maybe even a Kris Kristofferson. After watchin’ all the money change hands it was time for our Mr. Kessler to pick up a copy of his local newspaper. Despite being confined to his solitary station in the world, our hero had a yearnin’ to know about the world around him. He’s worldly like that. I suppose that knowledge is something a man can be proud of. He returned home still sporting a song in his brain, only this time it was a different one. It was a bunch of Beastie Boys from around these parts spouting off some silly rhymes about how “She’s Crafty” or something or other.

Upon arriving home he took that paper and dang near read all of it. Though to be fair readin’ is just a generous term for scannin’. He kept the humming along to the music all the while. He finally put that intee-lec-shoo-al piece a paper down as a Matthew Sweet’s “Sick of Myself” echoed throughout the room. That pretty much did it for the day except for a trip to the general store and a good ol’ fashion hearty meal of Rice, Beans, and Chicken. The rest of the evening was spent settled down on the furniture and taking in some visual entertainment.

Our hero had to rise at the early hour of 9am this here Wednesday morning. Now, I know 9am ain’t very early for those who work on the farm, but to our hero that’s about as early as can be. Ain’t nobody ever cock-a-doodle doo’s round his parts before 10 in the AM, past month or so. I reckon something important must’ve been going on in order to rouse him from his slumber at such an unlikely. Turns out he had to go down to the Unemployment Office for some sort of o-ree-en-tay-shun. Now, I ain’t never had me no o-ree-en-tay-shun…but it don’t sound like too much fun.

As the story goes, this cowboy vacted his premises in order to make it to the o-ree-en-tay-shun at around 10:05am. He didn’t take no horse though. He mosied on down to 250 Schemerhorn St. on the 3rd floor. On his way, he shuffled several more songs through his consciousness. He took up where he left off with that ol’ Matthew Sweet song and rolled on through Travis’ “Side”, Ben Lee’s “Side View” and even two versions of Luna’s “Sideshow by the Seashore”. What could possess a man to enjoy the same song twice in a row? Don’t that beat all? There were other songs too but too numerous to mention all of them.

The time spent in that there unemployment office was quite uneventful and our protagonist had to wonder who it was helping. An elderly man read off job listings for positions at dining establishments that certainly did not appeal to most people present in that there room. Feeling as though it had been a great waste of time, Mr. Kessler reversed his mosey back towards his humble home. He returned home after a couple of songs about Silver and his brain rested on one particular Bob Dylan song entitled “Simple Twist of Fate” as he twisted his key in the door.

On the other end of the door our sharpshooter picked up his revolver and fired a few more shots at employment targets with similar results as he had seen the day before. Instead of sulking in his chagrin, he made for the door to the store filled with books. He restarted the previous tune in his head and made for the Barnes & Noble. That Barnes & Noble was certainly packed to the brim with readin’. I have to hand it to those guys. I don’t know who does more work, Barnes or Noble, but I give ’em all the credit in the world.

As our learned lovable loser scanned over the libros he noticed several titles in particular, aimed at dummies. Now, I don’t know ’bout you, but our man had to wonder how readin’ somethin’ for dummies was bound to make the reader feel. Especially on titles like “Depression For Dummies”. If a dummy can’t get over depression by readin’ “Depression for Dummies” ain’t that gonna make them more depressed? Sounds a little bit hinky if you ask me. After about 40 minutes of scanning the volumes of verbiage, Evan decided to high tail it home for some further periodical perusing. He picked up the times and arrived at his home to the tune of some Nada Surf singing about “Sleep” or something like that.

An hour after returning back home our Urban Cowboy made a move to better his physical standing by taking some time out to run on something called an “Elliptical”, and wouldn’t you know it he played songs into his head while doing that too. He went from hearing songs about “Sleep” all the way to one where some New Pornographers sang about a “Slow Descent Into Alcoholism”. I know what that’s like. That pretty much did it for the musical portion of the
day. Next up was the academic allotment.

At around 8:30 in the PM Evan headed out to a Black Sheep Pub for some rowdy times with the Pub Quiz Gang. The pub quiz gang consisted of Laura R, Laura B, Andrew, Mike H, Stephen H, Katie O, Maureen H, and Pete F. There were 9 folks on hand and there could only be as many as 4 on a team. The teams split up into threes and Evan was a member of “The Correct Answers” with Laura R and Stephen. The Correct Answers were quite the posse for being only three folks. They rustled up quite the score in the first half at the contest. The quiz master originally shortchanged them one point, but The Correct Answers set him straight. They weren’t playin’ no games…except Pub Quiz. Unfortunately, for The Correct Answers the questions got much more difficult in 2nd half. Despite their promising start the group had just about met their demise. When the scores were all added up there was a tie. Seems The Correct Answers were all knotted up with 2 other teams for 3rd place. There would be a tie breaker question to determine which team would hit pay dirt for that free round of beer given to the third place team.

The teams eagerly awaited their tiebreaker question. then it happened. The quizmaster asked, “How many species of Rodents are there?”. Evan wrote the number 38 on a napkin as a pure guess. Stephen wrote out 1200 and after several seconds of reasoning the team decided on Stephen’s answer. Upon handing it in the tension was so think you could cut it with a knife, albeit a butter knife, but that’s still a knife. It ain’t no Crocodile Dundee Knife but what is these days. You can’t carry that ’round these here parts.

Several seconds later the announcer said that the answer was “2000”. The Correct Answers had gotten the incorrect answer. However, there was still hope since it was all about who was closest. However, they would soon learn that they were not the closest and would not be getting a free beer. In fact, they came smack in the middle between the two other teams tied for 3rd place. That meant they were officially 4th place. There would be no pub quiz victory tonight…but Evan and his compadres vowed that they’d get revenge next time…and that they’d be more prepared.

So that’s it…That’s the entire story. I hope you didn’t miss the entire meat of the story…and if you did…well go back and find it.

Posted in Unemployment | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »