Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave


Posted by evankessler on January 2, 2007

Everything’s coming up Evan in 2007! However, in order to reach that magical date I had to make it out of 2006 alive. There was only one obstacle in my way. That obstacle was December 31st, 2006. This is my story about a man (me) who had 24 hours until the year that rhymed with his name.

Things started out simply enough. On Saturday Night (December 30th) I went out to the Lighthouse Tavern for my usual odd night football viewing. The football match between New York Giants and The Washington Redskins was only supposed to be on the NFL Network so I figured I had to go to the bar. While at the bar someone asked me if it was being broadcast locally on NBC as cable games are sometimes picked up by local affiliates. I didn’ t think this was the case so I said no and drank my beer despite not wanting to really drink at all. Several minutes later I called my roommate Marty at home. He told me the game was on NBC. This was silly, why was I drinking in a bar when I can be sitting on my couch? Just when this thought occurred to me Andrew Morton came to meet me on the bar couch. We shared a beer and some conversation but at halftime we went our separate ways as I had resolved to watch the rest of the game at home. The Giants won 34-28 thereby clinching a playoff spot despite not deserving one. I was slightly happy about this development, the only thing keeping me from elation was the intuitive knowledge that was telling me that the Giants will most certainly lose to whomever they are pitted against in the wild card round. The rest of my evening was spent draped over the living room couch watching the film, Sin City. I haven’t really decided if I liked it or not. My first reaction is to say that it’s okay. Malcolm Gladwell might be inclined to say that I should trust that first reaction.

Sunday morning I woke up not hungover, but not terribly interested in watching all of the football contests of the day seeing as the New York Giants were almost guaranteed a playoff spot. The Packers needed a miracle in order to squeak in in favor of the Giants, that miracle did not happen and so it was wise for me to not sit around and anticipate a miraculous occurrence that would make me angry.

At around 2:30 I decided to get off my fat and lazy american ass to work off some of those pre-New Year’s Party calories. I popped on my iPod and got through parts of 4 songs and parts of a 5th between walking to the gym, realizing it was closed and walking back. Not quite the workout I was looking for. The journey began on The Dandy Warhols’ “I Am Sound” and ended on Wilco’s “I Am Trying To Break Your Heart”. The main time killer on that trip was the decision I made to listen to a flyer hander outer’s spiel in front of Bierkraft. That got me through two songs solid. The rest of the day before leaving for my New Year’s party consisted of surfing the internet while having football on in the background, and surfing the internet in the living room while having Star Wars on in the background. I went on a mad dash for a Chase Bank ATM at around 6:30 and arrived back at 7pm to jump in the shower and spruce up for New Year’s Eve 2006/2007. If we were entering the year of Evan, we were going to have to enter with a bang.

At 8:40 I left my apartment, looking dapper in my new duds from Bloomingdales. I walked to Jason S and Andy S’s apartment to meet up and go over to our party in Williamsburg with a few friends. We hopped on the G train at Hoyt Schemerhorn and were in the ‘Burg in no time. It was a bit of a walk to the Domino Sugar Factory where our friends Cold Hands Collective were performing, along with The Crooners, and several of our other friends who were DJing. We had to dodge plenty of errant piles of dog shit as well, making our trek a treacherous one. The big thing with our party was that it was free to get in before 10pm. We arrived close to 9:40 with plenty of time to spare, but much to our chagrin there was a long line with a velvety rope. We were on the guest list but apparently that meant nothing. Time was of the essence and we had to get in before 10 but the bouncers seemed to be up to no good, a common form of douchebaggery which is practiced most places with a velvety rope. They were allowing only people of a specific sex to enter at first and it was not the Male sex. Jason, Andy, myself, and Andy’s friends who came with us seemed resigned to the fact that we were going to have to pay $20 to get in. A around 9:56 a miracle happened. The line began to move. Hands were stamped. Revellers were frisked for weapons (I was not aware it was that kind of party). People entered the Sugar Factory for free. All told it was probably 10:03 or so when we got in but we were not charged.

The downstairs looked like a supertacky club with neon and a clubby type atmosphere. By the coat check I ran into Jamie S and Viggy. I didn’t recognize them at first because they were under a dark shadow. We waited for Andy, Jason, and company to finish being patted down before heading upstairs. The upstairs was certainly more abandoned factory looking. Jason and I went for drinks but apparently there were two separate bars on the floor. One was for beer and one for mixed drinks. To our shock, all beer was $7 whether it be a can of Budweiser or a can of MGD. At that moment we were pretty positive we’d be spending a lot of money on the evening. What the hell, New Year’s Eve only comes once a year (as do many other occasions).

Upon getting our exhorbitantly priced drinks there were meetings and greetings of friends I haven’t seen in weeks, have seen recently and new folks. Rich M, Lina, Ahmad, Abdullah, Miller, Joe, Jaysara (Joe’s girlfriend), Katie (Joe’s Girlfriend’s friend) Suli, Kishore, Eric, Ajay, Maya, Rob (DJ Radeus), and other people I’m probably leaving out by accident. When the Crooners came on, Jamie and I moved up front and took some pictures. I don’t think I took many great pictures this New Year’s but I’m going to share some with you anyway.

Jaime and Lina show off their bag holding smiling technique

The Crooners…in the dark

Sunday Shocker: Joe and Jaysarah on New Year’s Eve

After the Crooners played it was time for another drink and to take a trip to the bathroom. When I walked down to the lower floor I noticed a girl in a bikini dancing on a pole for the other party. I don’t think she was a stripper I think the downstairs party organizers were just trying too hard to have a sexy atmosphere. I think a few other tables had girls on bikinis dancing on them. No matter, I quickly headed back upstairs so as not to miss any of the Cold Hands performance. I suppose it wouldn’t be such a big deal if I did though seeing as though they are my friends and I’ve seen them plenty of times before. I took my position at the front and continued snappin’ photos and talking to folks and what people generally do at a party.

Ahmad Saeed on the Bass with MC A-magination

The time was nearing midnight and the balloons suspended from the ceiling were longing to kiss the ground or burst. With about 2 minutes the to go until midnight the band stopped playing and with 10 seconds to go the countdown was projected on the screen behind them. When the clock struck midnight I was standing with Suli and Jamie so we engaged in a perverse triple kiss reminiscent of MTV Spring Break’s past. Just kidding.

Suli and I demonstrate how Jews and Muslims Just Can’t See Eye To Eye

Cold Hands Collective in Full Effect

From that moment on there wasn’t much more to the night. The band played on for a bit longer and there was mingling and drinking. Maya’s boyfriend Rob DJ’d and there were a couple of different musical things going on onstage for the duration. There were roller skate people dancing and various other distractions. I luckily was able to score some free whiskey from the backstage area to make the strain on my wallet a little less. At around 2:30am give or take Miller, Kishore, Abdullah and I headed out to the Alligator Lounge on Metropolitan for free pizza. The deal is you get a free pizza by ordering a beer but I think we grabbed five pizzas and only really ordered 1 or 2 beers. After gorging on free pizza, Miller and I split a car back to our region of Brooklyn. I’m not quite certain what time I arrived home but I wasn’t too drunk thanks to the Alligator Lounge but I had a mean case of the hiccups as I was rehashing my night to Marty and Austin.

When I awoke this morning around 12:30pm I sat down at my computer to find about 8 emails in my yahoo account from JDate.com telling me that I had mail or I had been hotlisted or something. To be perfectly clear, I do not use JDate, nor do I have an account. That is, unless in my drunken stupor last evening I decided to sign up for it. Out of curiosity I checked into JDate and requested that they send me my password since I had no idea if I actually had a password. The password was something I would never ever use for a password so I immediately surmised that I was getting someone else’s messages. I signed in to find a home page that showed my matches. If you’ll look at the screen capture below you can see some of my matches:

It seems whoever crossed my email path on Jdate.com is a 33 year old female. While I was checking out her profile 3 or 4 men tried to IM me via JDate. I only accepted one guy. His first line was “Hey There” and I didn’t feel like pretending to be this woman any longer. Though to be fair, she stole part of my identity when she somehow got her JDate to my email, so I could be in the right. I could also just change her JDate membership to my own and totally screw her over but I’m sure she’d get over it and I don’t want to be on JDate. Plus she didn’t even have a pay membership so i couldn’t really do anything fun outside taking a screen capture of some of my matches. In any case, JDate STOP FLOODING MY INBOX!!!

The Female J-Date Me’s Man Matches

Things are already coming up Evan in 2007. Unfortunately that Evan isn’t named Evan and is a 33 year old woman who has Evan’s email address. The rest of my New Years day was a lazy blur filled with television and sloth-like behavior. I needed to get the laziness out of my system, Tuesday is just another day of work. And I’ve only got 4 left so I should use them well. Welcome to the abbreviated working week and here’s to the year 2007 where I resolve to get bigger, better, faster, and stronger than I was in 2006, figuratively speaking of course.


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