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Archive for March, 2006

Another Day, Another Dinner

Posted by evankessler on March 31, 2006

Holy Crap. I’ve gone out to dinner 3 out of the last 4 nights. My wallet can’t take the strain, though to be honest the last two combined did not reach the cost of the first and for that I am thankful.

Before I get to the Thursday birthday dinner, let’s look back on Wednesday. Well, first off I had a job logging for Real Simple TV. It sort of felt degrading but I needed the work. I don’t enjoy logging. I used to do it as a PA and in fact on the timesheet I filled out I had to fill it out my position as PA. It felt like quite a step down or more specifically two steps down. After pseudo-work on Wednesday I returned home to participate in my Fantasy Baseball draft. For the last 3 years I’ve been engaging in a Fantasy Baseball league with my high school friend Werner, and his college friends. I usually pay $40 to enter and wind up in 2nd to last place every year, due in part, largely to my lack of overall knowledge on the subject of baseball statistics. While I love baseball, the only information I’ve stored on the subject is that I am a lifelong New York Mets fan and that I will gladly keep track of them The rest of the league is largely a mystery. I did it again, I was typing the word “mystery” and Elvis Costello started singing “The Mystery Dance” just as I began to type. That was a crazy coincidence. Anyway, my baseball knowledge is lacking compared to that of my football expertise. Not that I am unparalleled in all things football, I just follow the sport closer. Anyway, I drafted my team using a complex system involving my fantasy baseball guidebook. I merely followed the rankings in the book and whatever highest ranked player was still available was chosen by me. I hope this process worked, though I admittedly had to throw the process out the window once I came to the conclusion that several positions I had to fill would be lacking if I continued the aforementioned strategy. I’m not sure how my team is going to end up, but I’m pretty sure I will not win the league, but I will hold out hope until I sink far in the standings somewhere around midseason. Truth be told, I’m just happy to have two New York Mets on my team.

Today, I woke up with the task of drafting my fantasy baseball team (Chico Escuela) behind me, so I could turn to more important tasks of logging tapes for money. When I finished that around 6pm I dropped my stuff off at home and headed to Heartland Brewery in the Empire State Building for Kristin Ertel’s 26th (?) birthday. There I met Kristin, David, Jill M, Ghazalle, Ana, Bill E, and Kristin’s friend from home whose name escapes me. I had a buffalo steak because I had never eaten buffalo before, though to be honest it tasted like normal steak to me. We had some appetizers and some beers. Afterwards we went to Lit though it took a while to get a cab since we were at one of main tourist attractions in the world (The Empire State Building) and we weren’t the only ones looking for transportation from that point. We eventually had to walk a block but Kristin and David took a pedicab downtown. When we got to Lit I was kind of bored. The music was too loud and I didn’t really feel involved in the conversation. This isn’t anybody’s fault I just was kind of tired and felt a little out of the loop by that point. At the bar I ran into fellow former VH1er Dustin who was there with some friends. We seem to run into each other every two months at different watering holes. After 2 beers, we all went our separate ways. Overall, I had a good time but I’ll be glad to see these birthday dinners stop for a while. There may be one or two next week, maybe more. Maybe I can work more next week so I won’t feel so bad spending the money. Whatever, I’m not complaining. Activity is good, because let’s face it, inactivity has been downright depressing the past few months. I’m glad spring has sprung.

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This Could Take A While

Posted by evankessler on March 29, 2006

I’m typing this entry with an ice pack resting on my right hand. It is severely hindering the effectiveness of the typing method taught to me in Mrs. Droutman’s 7th grade typing class. Due to an unfortunate collision between my right hand and the wood paneling of a living room chair, whilst running to buzz someone in to the apartment, I’ve had to switch up my typing tendencies. Most of the duties I would assign to my right ring finger are being split evenly between my right middle and right pinky fingers, though the slightly swollen ring digit does apply occasional pressure to certain spots on the keyboard.

That being said, I still have some strength to type up a wee entry for you folks. It seems that after I finished typing last night’s post in favor of turning in, we had some unexpected apartment visitors. After drinking with roommates Matt and Ellen at the Village Tavern, former roommate Sean Maddison stopped by with a visitor he had met that evening named Darcy. It seems that she was visiting from Milwaukee and decided to stay an extra day. She met Matt, Ellen, and Sean at the bar and ended up coming by and hanging out until around 2am at the apartment. It was definitely an odd episode but a fun one nonetheless.

Today during the day was largely uneventful save for my (hopefully) minor hand injury and getting a phone call to work two days for Real Simple TV. At 7:20pm I headed up to Harlem to eat at my favorite BBQ restaurant for Sean’s last night in the city. We were joined at the restaurant by, my brother, Sean’s friend Scott McNutt and his fiancé Cat. I wasn’t sure whether to order the 3/4 rack of ribs or the the half rack. I seemed to remember that last time I ordered the 3/4 rack. Unfortunately, I was wrong. When the food came out my plate was huge. No matter though, I went to work and annihilated my meal including the cornbread and 2 sides. It was quite the undertaking and I can still feel my body being full of food. I have so much food in me right now, but it was about $80 per person cheaper than last night. I also realize that my brother didn’t make any of the girls pay last night. Instead, of boyfriends absorbing their girlfriends’ cost, all of the guys just absorbed what the girls had to pay. Which meant the two guys that were not there with girls last night still paid for those girls even though their boyfriends were there. I wish I had realized that then because it was stupid.

Anyway, after Dinosaur, despite being full of meat I met Matt Wood, Ellen Mahoney, Noelle Stehmann and Betsy Van Stone at Planet Rose for karaoke. We stayed to hear Noelle and Betsy sing Pat Benatar but alas we didn’t have the juice left to make it so that I could sing my Phil Collins song which was fine since I was way too full to sing. Well, there will be plenty more days to go do karaoke, plus it would’ve been bad form to show up for work tomorrow completely hung over. As they used to say in those Head & Shoulders commercials, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

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Happy Birthday Greg!

Posted by evankessler on March 27, 2006

I hope it was worth it. I am officially $103 poorer after my brother celebrated his 30th birthday at Blue Ribbon Bakery. This is precisely why I don’t make people go out to dinner on my birthday. That being said, it was a lovely meal and I had a great time eating and drinking with my brother, Ekaterina, Simon, Laura, Rob, Natalia, and Franck. They really know how to cook over at the Blue Ribbon Bakery. They also know how to serve wine and make sumptuous desserts. From around 8:45 the drinks and conversation were flowing and came to a close just a short while ago. I don’t really have anything exciting to say about said event. I just hope John Vacanti taped 24 for me or otherwise I will be mightily pissed off.

Other than that, I did some temp work today at an Internet telephone company on Broad St. I spent the majority of the day doing crosswords. I probably answered the phone 4 times and forwarded 3 emails, whilst surrounded by business casual dockers wearing dorks whose idea of being funny is telling the uncoordinated girl in the office to “think fast”. Such is life. I wish I had more to write about but I am dealing with the liquor in my system that is telling me that sleep would be a wise decision at the present moment. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, but another day that I will going out to dinner. Dinosaur BBQ with Sean Maddison and a Motley Crew of diners is sure to bring about more excellent times. Screw you guys, I’m going home.

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Makin’ Friends, The Myspace Way

Posted by evankessler on March 21, 2006

This is Heather. Heather is in my top 8. Heather is a leader. Notice her Evankessler.com Shirt.

The following entry consists of an ongoing correspondence between myself and Heather D.(not to be confused with Heather B from the original Real World season.) I first became aware of Heather through our postings on Adam Starling’s blog. I have become increasingly aware of Heather ever since and one day she decided to myspace friend request me. Since that day, we have enjoyed a string of emails consisting solely of enjoyable witty banter that I have found astronomically amusing This is that string. I hope you enjoy our back and forth wordplay but if you don’t you just may be a dullard. Heather also has her own blog that I find to be wonderful and stimulating. Anyway, I think this a really great email string so read it.

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 6, 2006 11:47 PM
Subject:
hello
Body:
Hello, to what do I owe the pleasure of this friend request? I always like to do a little getting to know you email before accepting a friend request. So, what’s going on?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 7, 2006 10:03 AM
Subject:
RE: hello
Body:
Wow, I am impressed with your myspace integrity! You are not one of those myspace sluts, adding friends willy-nilly. Anyway, do you know who I am, remember, we both used to leave comments on Adam Starling’s blog, a long time ago (November ’05)? Plus I read your blog. Actually I just realized that I haven’t read your blog in a long time and then I went to read it and now I know that you are suspicious of me because I have so many shirtless friends. I don’t read your 24 entries though. Sorry. It’s only because I don’t watch 24. And sometimes I skim the really long paragraphs about people I don’t know.

Anyway, I joined myspace because I am home sick from work with a disgusting sinus infection and I got sucked into internet stalking my minor celebrity boyfriend Patrick Park (who is apparenlty all about myspace, which only makes me think a little bit about breaking up with him). Then once I started using myspace I was so dazzled by the glamour! Did you know all the beautiful people of LA use myspace? I read that in Vanity Fair.

What’s going on with you? Actually I already know from your blog. But don’t worry! You’ll get a job! I think you’re very witty.

Heather

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 7, 2006 10:38 AM
Subject:
RE: RE: hello
Body:
Hey Heather,
I was being selective but then I realized I could break a few rules when I recognized Starling’s bird icon in your friends list. It was at that moment I said, ah yes, Heather. I know who thou art. Let me just say it is a pleasure to make the acquaintance of your cyberspace alter ego which just so happens to be your regular ego.

In all fairness, I too was reluctant about Myspace membership and still remain so as I was a fan of the Friendster and don’t really understand why it has become “totally gay”. I don’t think Myspace possesses any superior qualities unless you count an overabundance of annoying people who like crappy music as a superiority quality. However, I’m fairly confident that you don’t find this to be superior quality. I can tell that much.

That being said, welcome and I hope you can handle the frequent posting of obnoxious surveys, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned. There’s plenty of that.

Oh and thank you for the compliments. I always tend to get embarrassed by them and not really comment on them, which is ironic being that I am an attention whore.

How are things up in the Buffalo?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 8, 2006 6:12
Subject:
RE: RE: RE: hello
Body:
I know, I am sad for friendster too, it is so much classier and gives me so much less of a headache than myspace. I do hate how people embed bad music in their profile so that it startles me while I am trying to look at all their horrible, blinking icons. For a while I had a myspace profile that I tried to make as obnoxious as possible, it was hot pink with a tiny turquoise font and a lot of animated dolphins and for my user picture, I cropped the head from one of those creepy dolls on the realdoll website. It was all plasticky looking. And then I forgot about it all for a few months, and when I logged back in I had HUNDREDS of messages from icky random men telling me I was hott. And that is the story of how I lost all respect for myspace. It’s too much like spring break.

Things are always thrilling here in Buffalo. We’re having a flood watch now since apparently all our snow is going to melt all at once tomorrow. I imagine you don’t have excitement like THAT in your fancy “New York City.”

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 9, 2006 3:12 PM
Subject:
hey, new subject
Body:
I enjoy your analogy likening Myspace to Spring Break. It is perhaps the most accurate depiction of anything I have ever heard or read for that matter. I only went halfway towards pimping or whoring out my profile by filling out one of those surveys. I also put a song up but I decided mine would not be abrasive and unpleasant. I was afraid that if I went all the way with making my profile the most ridiculous thing possible I would no doubt get an influx of dumbasses wanting to get 2gether and chill or sumthing yo. Your experiment seems to have proven that point. I salute you for being brave enough to attempt the Internet equivalent of base jumping.

Anyway, things in New York are not that thrilling though I have to believe they could be more thrilling than Buffalo. I don’t mean to demean Buffalo but I have a fair share of friends from there and one even went so far to name his indie record label “Kill Buffalo” due to his fondness for his childhood home. That being said, there may be infinitely more to do here without spending money though I’ve been on my fair share of aimless wanderings throughout the past few months and I’ve decided that the occasional money earning job could supplant that as a new favorite activity, though only temporarily. Just yesterday I strolled through central park, which is something I rarely do because I am not within the closest proximity to it. I prefer the confines of drug addled Washington Square Park. I enjoy wandering through and counting how many times I am offered drugs on any given day. I believe the highest count is 8. That record will fall in the summer.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:37 PM
Subject:
RE: hey, new subject
Body:
Oh please, your profile is barely even half a whore, it does not even have an animated fire background. But your survey is entertaining. You owned that survey, Evan Kessler. I’m not even going to do it because there’s no way I can compete. Besides, my profile is starting its slow decline as a result of my new three-pronged approach to myspace. The first prong involves disabling email alerts so that myspace cannot molest me in my everyday life. The second prong is to accept the advances of every semi-literate wannabe-gangsta in Buffalo who wants to be myspacesters with me. I haven’t really nailed down the third prong yet, but it’s either going to be to post huge, horrible blinking gifs in everyone’s comments, or to completely lose interest in myspace. Anyway, a result of the second prong is that when I add some guy whose general interests are “sex and jetskiing” I feel compelled to change my own interests to “sex and jetskiing.” Sex and jetskiing! Hott AND adventuresome!

You tell your friends that it’s not cool to insult Buffalo anymore, now the hip thing is to talk about Buffalo’s lively arts scene. Actually there are good things about Buffalo, such as how you can buy a beer for $1.50, and how if you go see a band on a Wednesday night, there will be approximately four other people there, which I guess is not always good depending on what kind of band it is, but is interesting in a “this band is playing for me personally” way. I feel like everything in NYC is always crowded. And I like to have a lot of personal space. And don’t judge Buffalo just because I am writing you a myspace message at 11:30 on Friday night. I had a date that needed to be shut down early. That could happen ANYWHERE!

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 10, 2006 11:46 PM
Subject:
AND ONE MORE THING
Body:
Also, I want to support your myspace whoring/unemployed state because I like your “who wants desert” shirt, because people totally do spell dessert wrong, but I don’t like the cap-sleeve shirt, can you make it be on a regular shirt? Maybe a yellow one. I know it is complex because cafepress only lets you have one of each thing, right. But you’re not busy, are you?

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 11, 2006 7:09 PM
Subject:
request granted
Body:
Your list of positive aspects of Buffalo life are duly noted. I can get behind any place where beer costs $1.50. I do know of such places in New York, though most of them consist of bikini clad bartenders who dance atop the bar to country music, sometimes they even set it on fire. Actually, who am I kidding, I love those places, though I don’t always enjoy the crowds they attract.

I also like your 3-pronged strategy, especially the second one. Imagine loving both sex and jetskiing. Talk about depth of character. For that you get to be in my Top 8. I’m currently debating accepting a friend request from a 19 year old girl in Utah named Chelsea. When I quizzed her as to why she wanted to be my myspacester she said it was due to the fact that she had several friends named Evan and only had good experiences, save for one of them.
She also likes curly hair, and while I can’t deny her reasons I’m not quite sure its enough. Though the fact that she just finished hair school may just push her over the top. I may defer this decision to you as a new valued member of my top 8.

I also have to say I quite enjoy the nature of our conversations. They are very well written and thought out. I feel smarter for even having them. To the outside observer it might appear as if we are reciting dialogue from an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Though I fear if we were ever to meet in person you’d have a hard time believing that these messages were not ghost written.

Oh, and one more thing…I’ve given you the option of the yellow who wants desert shirt or the white one. The only thing is that the one with the yellow has “www.evankessler.com” on the back. If you want me to remove said blatant advertisement it can be arranged. Or you can just get the white one. That one’s cheaper anyway. You were correct in assuming I had nothing to do, because I dealt with your request upon first receiving your previous message.

Alright, this is where I end the message. I may see Adam this evening and we may sing some Karaoke together. It will be an event. I hope you have an excellent Saturday evening. Talk to you soon.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 10:42
Subject:
RE: request granted
Body:
Wow, Evan Kessler’s Top 8! Is there a t-shirt for that? Anyway, in exchange for the coveted spot in your Top 8 I will endorse your website on my desert shirt. I stand behind evankessler.com.

Hey, are you talking about the Coyote Ugly bar? I love that movie.

I have discovered a new fascinating aspect of myspace, which is how you can interact with minor celebrities, such as Bob Guiney (ABC’s The Bachelor ..4). I imagine this is not exciting to you since you worked in the field of minor celebrities who love decades, but I find it endlessly amusing that Bob Guiney himself clicked the little box that approved my add request. I impacted Bob Guiney’s life! Let me know if you can think of any other good minor celebrities for me. It’s hard to think of ones who were famous enough to be exciting but are currently unfamous enough to be clinging to popularity via myspace.

I think you should add Chelsea, as long as she is hot. Plus, won’t she be insulted if you don’t add her now that you have corresponded with her? Maybe you should do what I do: approve everyone, then delete them later if they start being annoying and posting ten thousand bulletins about sex. I am a passive-aggressive myspace user.

I feel so pressured to keep up the wit now that you have invoked the Creek. I feel like I need a really snappy closing but I have nothing. Dawson would have something poignant. Damn the WB and their impossible standards…. good night!

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 12, 2006 11:11 PM
Subject:
Chelsea is not top 8 material
Body:
Thank you for your continued support. The Top 8 T-shirt is not a bad idea at all. I’ll give you a commission if I ever sell those.

Indeed I was referring to the Coyote Ugly bar though there are several of the sort in New York including The Patriot, The Hogpit, and Red Rocks West. My favorite of the genre was The Villiage Idiot because of the endless supply of free peanuts. I became somewhat of a regular there because of that and because it was decidedly less rowdy. Perhaps that’s why it went out of business two years ago. Oh how I miss it.

As far as the interacting with celebrities, how can you be so sure that it is actually Bob Guiney that is approving your myspace request? Surely he has his secretary keeping up his PR campaign while he is off camping or looking for a wife? Wait did he ever find a wife? I read an article in the New York times about all of the Real World/Road Rules members keeping in touch through myspace as well so you can totally befriend those folks. I only wish I had continued watching those shows so I’d no who to look for. I guess I can tune in sometime this week to see whom to befriend.

Actually, I did come across Mormon Julie from the Real World New Orleans. Though I found out she’s married and I think she’s back to being all into god after living out her fantasies of promiscuity in the Real World house and the subsequent college speaking tour. My friend hooked up with her on her Syracuse visit, so I’m well versed in her exploits, or at least one of them.

Furthermore, I will take your advice, it does seem kind of cruel to leave Chelsea hanging. She seems like she has honorable intentions. She likes curly hair and she graduated hair school so maybe I can get a free haircut out of it if I’m ever in Provo.

Also don’t feel pressure to keep your language on the level of Dawson’s Creek. In the end all of your emails might end up consisting of incessant fawning and whining over Katie Holmes’ character and where would we be then? She’s with Tom Cruise we’re going to have to get over it.

Alright, it’s getting late and I’ve got to approve chelsea and probably do some blogging. Have a good night and don’t do drugs.

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 14, 2006 9:37 PM
Subject:
so many evans
Body:
Whoa, Chelsea is crazy! Why is she collecting Evans? That is the weirdest thing I ever saw. Actually I wish I had thought of that because it would add direction to my myspace experience. However, I no longer trust her expert opinion about your hair since I now suspect that she is just using you for your name. What a hussy. You do have nice hair though. I sort of want to touch it. I imagine you get that a lot.

Apparently we have a bar in Buffalo where women dance on the bar, but they are not professionals, instead, at some point during the night someone yells “LADIES ON THE BAR!” and then the classier portion of the clientele gets up on the bar and takes their shirts off. I have not actually been yet but it sounds like a good time. Other exciting things are coming up soon in Buffalo too, like the St. Patrick’s day parade, which is a giant spectacle of early afternoon drunkenness. Hopefully it will be more scandalous than the Buffalo Mardi Gras (during which I only saw one boob).

Do you really think Bob Guiney has someone else handling his myspace PR? He has posted several announcements recently about a concert he is in with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg (isn’t that the smoothaise guy from Felicity? He is sadly not on myspace). But still, he can’t be that busy. Apparently he is currently married to Greenlee from All My Children. It was sad for Greenlee when her fiancee Ryan faked his own death when he found out she was pregnant because he was afraid that he would follow in his abusive father’s footsteps. Also I think Ryan’s psycho brother tried to poison her but then it turned out he had a brain tumor. I believe that all happened last spring when I was unemployed. So I am happy for her that she has Bob now.

I am watching American Idol right now and I don’t know why because it is the most useless show in the world, and Ryan Seacrest has a freakishly tiny head. But I bet all the old contestants are on myspace. Unfortunately the only one I can remember is Bo Bice and he is probably busy with his baby.

Well, anyways. Keep up the good work!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 15, 2006 7:58 PM
Subject:
RE: so many evans
Body:
Hey Heather,
So now you see why I had reservations about Chelsea. I was awake and on myspace and 2am last night and she felt the need to send me a message to asking what I was up to. As if we might be cosmically doing the same exact thing and we’d be led to discover that just because I am in New York and she in Provo, we’re not so different after all. Indeed, I do get people longing to touch my locks and to be honest I’m used to it by now but I usually react in a confused manner seeing as I’ve never really had the urge to touch anyone else’s hair no matter how curly or straight. Before allowing Chelsea to cut it I’d have to see picture of other curly haired people she’s given cuts to. That being said, I don’t think there are any curly haired people in Provo seeing as Utah is severely lacking in their Jewish and African American populations.

Is the bar in Buffalo with the bar dancing called Buffalo Bill’s or Buffalo Bob’s? It seems to me like Buffalo would have an overabundance of bars with the name Buffalo Bob’s and/or Bill’s. I could be wrong though. Furthermore, I love how the Buffalo Bills cheerleaders are called the Buffalo Jills….Genius. I imagine the Buffalo Jills dancing on the bar at Buffalo Bill’s to Trace Adkins’ “Honkytonk Badonkadonk”. If you’ve never heard it, it may be the worst song ever. I hope that your St. Patrick’s day closely resembles that scene, not because I wish you the worst or anything, just because it sounds like a funny thing to encounter.

My St. Patty’s day will be spent away from the amateurs (or maybe not, you never know) in the confines of Webster Hall as I witness the first Silver Jews concert in New York City. Though I’m not above venturing out to a drinkathon afterwards. Maybe I will run into Bob Guiney and ask him if he answers his own myspace requests. I think being married to such a prestigious soap opera star must take up the majority of his time though. I imagine they must make the rounds on the public appearances at malls circuit. So many public appearances, so little time to check Myspace. Though if his wife is on myspace I could see them both sitting on the couch with their wireless internet connection comparing myspace accounts. That’s just what couples do.

Oh, also, is Bob Guiney headlining the concert with Macy Gray and Greg Grunberg? God knows Macy Gray has fallen pretty far from her perch. Is Greg Grunberg a solo singer in his time away from Alias? Does he write songs about working for the CIA and assisting Jennifer Garner? Does he also write songs about being jealous of Michael Vartan and Ben Affleck? That would be one hell of an album. I’m sure he’s got so much pain to share with us. It would be like Elliott Smith but by a guy who was on Alias and Felicity. I think Bob Guiney just sounds like Rob Thomas but has less street cred because he’s totally a reality hack. Grunberg at least has some chops as an artiste. He’s like a modern day Tom Waits because hey, they both act sometimes.

Meanwhile why didn’t American Idol ever do another movie after from “Justin to Kelly” with each of their final two contestants? Tell me you wouldn’t have paid $10 to go see “From Ruben to Clay”. That would have been the movie event of the decade. Clay falls in love with Ruben but Ruben sings Clay gospel songs about how the lord views gay people. Or “From Fantasia to whoever she beat”, Where whoever she beat has to teach Fantasia to read. These are solid movie plots. I might exhume this email as a blog topic as I feel it raises a valid issue. Is heterosexual love the only valid kind of love between American Idol Finalists?

Anyway, I’m all messaged out and my mind is racing with American Idol film ideas. I’m hoping for a commercially bankable final two, so I can pitch a script to the show producers. If you want to help with the script, just say the word. Talk to you soon.

-Evan

From: Heather
To: Evan
Mar 16, 2006 6:55 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: RE: so many evans
Body:
Well, you did not inform me that Chelsea already had acquired so many Evans. I was picturing a cute innocent blonde Mormon girl, not some Evan-accumulating hussy hairdresser. I guess it just goes to show that you can’t pick your myspacesters’ myspacesters.

Actually, I can’t even think of any bars in Buffalo that are called “Buffalo [Anything]’s.” That is disappointing now that I think about it. I am sure that I will have ample opportunities to drown my disappointment in green beer though.

Oh, and I have now read more carefully Bob Guiney’s special event announcement, and it turns out that he was not performing with his usual band (“Fat Amy”), but instead was in some weird charity event band full of television’s biggest stars: ““An Evening with Ray Kennedy and Friends” will feature performances by Macy Gray, The Dave Mason Band, The Syn, California Transit Authority, the Los Angeles Guitar Quartet, Gia Ciambotti and Celebrity band 16:9 which consists of
some of television’s biggest stars: House’s Hugh Laurie, Alias and Felicity’s Greg Grunberg, Desperate Housewives’ James Denton, and our very own Bob Guiney on vocals.”

It was two days ago though, and in California. Damn! Also I think his wife is retired from All My Children. They must have killed off her character or something. So they probably spend all their time together and when Bob needs some special alone-time he comes to myspace to rejuvenate his spirits by interacting with his adoring fans.

Those are excellent American Idol movie ideas, I fully support their exploration in blog format. I am already impressed at your prolificness, if that were a word, so feel free to recycle. In fact you can just copy and paste paragraphs of your blog into your messages to me as long as you put in “So, Heather…” every few sentences. You know, to make it personal. My blog is languishing and all I ever did anyway was post pictures of my dog, so it is particularly sad that I can’t even keep that up. I think the problem is that the timing of my caffeine consumption is all wrong so that I peak around 2pm, and no one is there to benefit from it other than my super-bitchy coworkers. They are very girly and they only like to talk about shopping and shoes and how you can tell real Louis Vuitton from fake (apparently it has to do with the stitching). I frankly cannot think of anything more useless than a $600 purse. Particularly in BUFFALO.

One of my friends was just recommending the Silver Jews to me a couple days ago. Isn’t that a coincidence? Wow, even though you are in NYC, and I am in Buffalo, we are not so different after all!

Well, I have to go to my O.C. viewing now. I am in charge of picking up the falafels. It’s going to be an event. L8ter!

H

From: Evan
To: Heather
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 5:29 PM
Subject:
Sunday, Sunday
Body:
I hope you had a good OC viewing and St. Patrick’s Day. God knows (he knows because he sees all) mine was full of guzzling the green beer and vomiting in a crowd. And that was just the OC Viewing. I mean that kept me from enjoying St. Patrick’s day at all. I just went to the Silver Jews concert and home afterwards.

Indeed that Chelsea is an Evanaholic. A good portion of the Evans she has collected are shirtless as well. This casts a dark cloud over the future of Chelsea and my friendship. We’ll try to fight through it.

Anyway, I have a hard time believing there’s no Buffalo Bill or Buffalo Bob bars within the Greater Buffalo Metropolitan Area. I think we might have to seize this opportunity and open our own bar. Our window of time is very small as someone else is bound to realize in the next few days that such a bar does not exist and we’ll regret not taking advantage of this one moment in time. We can even have that all star TV band perform nightly because the most important thing is keeping all of that suckage isolated to one band and one bar in one city and if that city has to be Buffalo then so be it. It’s a sacrifice we’d be making to keep the rest of America safe.

So Heather, I’m not sure if I’m going to blog about the American Idol movie ideas, I think I might have to wait to see how this season pans out. However, I can promise you that if any of my ideas gets made into a movie we can put your dog Oscar into the film as the Idol winner’s lovable loyal dog. That way you can have new photos of him on set and with celebrities. That could be a new wrinkle in blogland. I have to say while I may be prolific, you have more pictures of dogs. Let’s face it people love dogs more than drunk Evans, well, except for Chelsea.

Oh, I also wanted to ask your permission for something, since I think these emails have been somewhat brilliant, I’m thinking about turning our entire conversation into a blog post, though I’m not sure if anyone will find our string of conversation quite as amusing as you or I do but what the hell I’m hurting for material and I haven’t done a guerrilla interview in months.

Also, of course having a $600 purse is practical. Where else would you keep your $400 sunglasses when they’re not on your face?

From: Heather
To: Evan
Date:
Mar 19, 2006 10:24 PM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:
RE: Sunday, Sunday
Body:
Don’t you think the myspace slogan should be “a place for whoring various things” instead of “a place for friends”? That’s the theme of my new profile image. Feel free to leave me a comment asking me if I got my awesome shirt at evankessler.com online store. It looks kind of weird because I had to reverse it in photoshop so that you can read it. I guess I’m not as symmetrical as I thought I was.

Anyway, my St Patrick’s day was super. Somehow I showed up at the bar with six dollars and ended up having seven shots of whiskey. I don’t know who kept buying them for us but I love those people. Oh, then at the height of my drunkeness I saw (1) a guy who works across the hall from me to whom I had never spoken before (I’m pretty sure I had a conversation with him about how I “fucking hate” the rest of our coworkers… they deserve it though, they are the ones who drive me to binge drinking in the first place) and (2) some guy I gave my number to a couple weeks ago at a bar and then told him I couldn’t go out with him because I had strep throat (totally true at the time!) (it was really because he was a weirdo on the phone, way too much info about his saltwater aquarium for a first conversation) and then never him called back again. By some stroke of luck, right then my friends friend started puking (she does not love the whiskey as much as I do) so I got to leave. Buffalo is so exciting. Then today I went to the parade and I saw some super-drunk girl almost get hit by a fire truck. She kept running out into the street to give high-fives to people in the parade. So that was great too.

You can blog our conversation as long as you make me seem funny. Like sometimes I have filler material that just takes up space so you might have to edit those parts.

Oh, bad news about the spread of Bob Guiney, apparently he is in multiple celebrity bands, and the soap opera one is playing in NYC tomorrow:

ABC is bringing the Soap Street Jam to New York City!
This time Bigger and Unplugged! Get up close and Personal with your favorite Soap Stars singing with the Bob Guiney Band!!
Some of the attendees will be:
From All My Children:
Jacob Young
Bobbie Eakes
Cady McClain
From One Life to Live:
Kerry Butler
Matt Metzger
Kathy Briar
From General Hospital:
Ignacio Serricchio
Scott Clifton
Plus:
Bob Guiney and the Bob Guiney Band playing along the stars!
Tickets are $55.00 in advance and $75. at the door(cash only at the door)

I don’t know who any of those soap opera stars are. But $55! Isn’t that a little pricey? Let me tell you, people are not going to pay that kind of money in Buffalo. I think we could only change about a $3 cover for people to get into Buffalo Billy-Bob’s on Bob Guiney night.

Anyway, I have to go update my blog with a picture I took of Irish setters in the parade. I wish I had a picture of the drunk girl almost getting hit by the fire truck but I was too busy eating fried dough to have the camera ready. The blog always comes in second.

HmD

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Orange Alert!

Posted by evankessler on March 13, 2006

Congratulations to the Syracuse Orangemen (I refuse to just call them the Orange) on their Big East Tournament victory this weekend. It certainly made this month’s upcoming NCAA Tournament much more interesting for me personally and I’m sure countless other Syracuse alumni and fans. We’re coming in to the tournament on a hot streak so the other teams better watch out. Actually, you heard it right here, I’m predicting a first round loss to Texas A&M but it’s an honor just to be nominated.

Anyway, you didn’t come here to read about college basketball. I know I don’t really have anything to write about it besides what I’ve already written so I guess that cancels out any further commentary. We all know you’re looking forward to the weekend recap. Let me tell you, I’m looking forward to writing it for you folks out there who make this all possible by perusing daily and though you may not buy shirts, you’re still number one in my hearts, though you could at least fill in the unnecessary guestbook to let me know you’re out there.
Alright, I’ll get off of your case and get into the weekend recap. Friday was an extremely busy day. I woke up bright and early for a doctor’s appointment at 10am all the in the West 80’s. One hour later, it was off to my old haunt at 1633 Broadway to pay a visit to some old friends and meet some new fans. This one’s for my loyal readers in 6-153. I think that’s my old office. I dropped in to see my old desk across from the ladies room to chat with David and Lauren. I also had a nice chat with my ol’ supervising producer Karla. I then headed upstairs to knock on Mr. Adam Starling’s door where I encountered Sergio Santos, Megan Beshalsky and an unnamed stranger who shares their office. Adam alerted me to his Saturday evening plans, which included an outing at Planet Rose. This, needless to say, tickled my karaoke fancy. I even started knock around song ideas in my head. We’ll get to that part later though.

After my hour-long detour at the VH1 office, I headed home for a little online job hunt and some afternoon R&R before my busy day was to continue. At 4pm I headed over to an Art Gallery in Cooper Square where I was helping out at an art gallery where my friend Bess works. A couple of weeks, prior she had asked if I wanted to do some bartending for an art opening. Having never tended bar before I enthusiastically took up the cause. Not only because it was a new experience but also because I hadn’t actually been paid for working since sometime back in October, once again putting accent on the running theme that I need a job.

When I arrived at the gallery I found out that along with the gallery owner’s work another artists paintings were being featured, and that artist was….Are you ready for this? (Drum roll please) …Burt Young. Some of you are saying, who is Burt Young? Some of you are saying AWESOME! I didn’t know Burt Young painted. I just thought he was Rocky Balboa’s drunken corner man/brother in-law Pauly. Well you’d be wrong. Burt Young is an artist as well and I quite liked his work, not that I’m an expert on art. Anyway, before anyone arrived one of the other worker’s (Eric) and I went to K-Mart to get a cooler and some ice. When we got back we all helped with some setting up. The first guests arrived at 5:30 and I was stationed behind the bar. We didn’t have a full bar which was excellent for me as I have never tended bar before and know how to make very few drinks. Our bar consisted of Red Wine, White Wine, Vodka, Perrier, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice, Grapefruit Juice, and tonic water. Luckily for me there are not too many permutations that can be created with those ingredients. I was slightly afraid someone would ask for something I wouldn’t know how to make but what I should have been afraid of was the actual ingredients themselves. My first attempt at opening the primary bottle of tonic water was met with an Old Faithful-esque explosion. Luckily for the painting behind me the entire contents of said explosion covered my shirt and pants. Luckily, for me, only one person witnessed my embarrassment and it was a co-worker. Pretty soon the party picked up and I was dishing out drinks at what seemed like a record pace. I felt really great and actually enjoyed doing the bartending bit. My action was decreased when a new worker, cute girl named Serica, a Finlandia Vodka girl, was sent to help dispense drinks. Ironically, she was giving out wine and I was making all of the Vodka drinks.

The funny thing about bartending is that you figure out really quickly who all of the alcoholics in the room are. There was one guy who was leaning against the radiator about 4 feet from me and kept extending his glass every 5 minutes for refills. There was another guy who asked me for some white wine and then about 30 seconds later asked for a refill. I’ve also realized that Perrier is extremely popular. I think had to pour more Perrier than anything else. It is amazing to me that people can drink that stuff. It’s the Yuppie soft drink of choice. I’d say about 60 percent of the drinks I gave out were Perrier. Personally, I don’t understand the appeal of sparkling water. I’m also not sure what the difference is between Perrier, Tonic, and Club Soda. I would like a full explanation. I’m sure I could just look it up but people who wanted vodka and soda wouldn’t take Vodka and Perrier or Vodka and tonic. I don’t think any of those drinks could be so different. That being said, I was told that I make a good vodka tonic, though in all honesty it’s pretty impossible to mess up. Before all was said and done I had worked from 4pm to about 9:45 and managed to explode 2 bottles of Tonic on myself and earn $60. Way to go me. I miss working.

After the show, I ventured about 1 block from the art studio to McSorley’s to meet my friends John and Chris from my improv class. It was John’s birthday and what better reason to celebrate. It was really great to see them though I only stayed for about an hour which was enough time to down about 5 of those dark half pints. We were also joined by fellow Level 1 improv classmate Jonathan Desley, but he came right before I left. When I was saying goodbye to everyone some girl they were chatting with outside wanted to play with my hair and then invited me to go to Fat Cat Billiards with her and her friends but I was on my way up to 52nd st. to hang out with Morwin, Miller, Andy, Kayvalyn, Andrea, Jason, and several others. I don’t remember exactly who was there because the majority of them decided they were leaving right before I showed up. This is right after they told me to get more beer. I stayed at Morwin’s drinking with Andy, Andy’s brother, Jason, and Steve Miller before leaving about an hour later. Something tells me I should have stayed downtown but I had a good enough time as it were. I also found out that our friends John and Zherna Karian are officially expecting, so congratulations to them.

Saturday was a beautiful day. I reinstituted my spring/summer tradition of aimless wandering whilst listening to music on my ipod. I wound up getting a frosty and Wendy’s and walking to Strand bookstore where I bought Woody Allen’s book Side Effects. I then meandered over to Washington Square Park to begin reading said book. It’s a good thing I had just finished reading Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying, the day before. It’s funny, that book took me about a month to read and it’s only 182 pages. I’m already one-third of the way through this Woody Allen book and it’s only been one day. I moved the action away from the Folkie Guitar playing hippies in the park back to the front stoop of my apartment on Bleecker St. I sat out in front reading and people watching. At around 5:30, Kristin Ertel, her boyfriend David, and his roommate Alex crossed my path. We decided we would get some dinner so we went to the gimmicky Slaughtered Lamb Pub on Jones and W. 4th Street. The Slaughtered Lamb Pub is funny because they try to make their dishes sound either haunted or British. For example, the Chicken Fingers are called “Cheshire Chicken Fingers” and the basement area is called “The Dungeon”. Nonetheless the food was okay but we couldn’t resist renaming everything on the menu to sound more British.

After we ate, I split with Kristin, David, and Alex thinking that we would get together to watch the Syracuse game but that did not happen. Instead, I watched Syracuse skim the Pittsburgh Panthers by 4 in the Big East Conference final whilst eating a bag of popcorn from across the street by my lonesome. Not that I’m complaining, I don’t really like watching sports with people around me yelling. After the game ended I set out to meet Adam Starling at Planet Rose for some karaoke only I hadn’t talked to Adam all day. I stupidly assumed he would be there. I’m not trying to passive aggressively blame him for not being there, I’m just saying, the only thing I went on was a suggestion Adam made the previous day. In the back of my mind I sort of thought he wouldn’t’ be there as I hadn’t spoken with him all day. When I finally arrived after a pleasant stroll I entered Planet Rose to find Adam’s friend Mike but no Adam. I stayed and had one drink and then decided I really didn’t feel that much like being out anyway. As I headed back to home sweet home I made some calls to see if anyone was out but it really didn’t seem like a busy night. Anyway, I was perfectly satisfied with the way the night ended up. I got a couple of nice walks out of it and Syracuse won the Big East Championship.

Today (Sunday) wasn’t much of a day. I had plans to meet my family for Brunch on the Upper East Side. For some god awful reason my mom decided to make Brunch plans at El Greco, a place whose specialties were Greek and Seafood. I was more in the mood for Breakfast. So not only was this not a good Brunch place but it was all the way up on 72nd and 2nd. Instead of taking the 6 train to get their I decided that I didn’t want to walk far in the light drizzle so I got on the E train figuring I would switch at the 51st and Lexington Avenue stop to the 6 train. However, when I got to 42nd street it was announced that the E was going to be on the D track or something so I was kind of screwed and needed to find a new route to the East Side. I begrudgingly got out at times square and walked to Bryant Park where I jumped on the F which was riding on the V track and it took me to where I wanted to switch. Why does the MTA feel the need to fuck with every single train route on the weekend? I am confident that none of the trains were running their entire usual route this weekend. Anyway, I had a subpar brunch with the family. I really was not in the mood for Rigatoni and eggplant but I ate it anyway. The rest of my day was spent wasting valuable space on the couch. Given the amount I’ve written about this weekend you’d think it was more eventful than it actually was. Oh well. This week is sure to be a good one maybe. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s hot 24 action.

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Everything I Do, I Do It For You

Posted by evankessler on March 10, 2006

…Or because you told me to do it. I was unsure if I would even post today, but at the behest of loyal (or should I say Royal) British EvanKessler.com enthusiast, David Abbott it has been declared that the show must go on. So this one’s for you huge douche. It’s not that the past few days have been uneventful it’s just that there hasn’t been much alcohol consumption, anger, and/or drama to delve into. On the contrary this week has been fairly prosperous if not in the least productive.

Since I’ve last written I still have not gotten a job, so no change there. Nor have I made any sort of life progress. However, I have spent some pleasant time with good friends and I suppose that has to count for something. My Tuesday was spent in the lovely company of Jessica I. Jessica is a dear friend from the days at Ramapo High School who is apparently ensconced in her studies at Simmons College in Boston and as she likes to put it ,“Simmons is for Wimmons”. Jessica arrived at my apartment sometime around 1pm on Tuesday and we then crossed the street to have a delicious lunch at Risotteria. Jessica is allergic to Gluten and Risotteria is one of the few restaurants that cater to the Gluten Free lifestyle and luckily for her, it is directly across the street from my apartment. I just realized if I have any potential stalkers, they will no doubt have any problem discovering where I live. Luckily, I have no stalkers. To be honest, I think I’d welcome a stalker at this point to spice up life a little bit. I could use a frantically paced running away from a deranged admirer because sometimes it’s just nice to get out of the house. Jessica made me taste some of her gluten free pizza and her gluten free cookie, which to their credit taste almost like they should but for their strange aftertaste and grainy consistency. But how would sans-glutenites really know? They’re just happy to be eating pizza and cookies like normal human beings. Luckily, Risotteria has regular food. I had a pesto, tomato, and mozzarella panini which was excellent.

After our meal we went on a lengthy jaunt all over downtown. First we made our rounds around Soho and then we made a separate venture to the East Village, all of the while engaging in lovely conversation and playful pushing. We ventured into a vegan bakery in the East Village where we each tasted some of the most disgusting sweets we had ever had. I do not recommend vegan cupcakes. We eventually aimlessly wandered back towards Soho where we stopped into The Room for a drink before I shipped her uptown and I headed to Brooklyn for Creative Night at Maureen H’s place.

Creative night was an interesting experience. Actually, I think I’m making a huge faux pas by referring to it as Creative night, as its founders prefer the name “Thinking Caps” for this creative, supportive, gathering. The group consisted of Maureen H, Pete F, Laura R, Laura B, Andrew Morton, and myself. I have to say I felt a little intimidated as I was joining something in progress and really had no idea what to expect. Andrew, Maureen, Laura B., and Pete were all working on a script together and I honestly had no idea what I was going to work on. Maureen quizzed me as to what I was there to work on and I felt completely unprepared as if I needed to show some credentials. I settled on working on my t-shirts with Laura R. who had shown some interest in actually producing and selling them. We came up with a few new ideas and discussed silk- screening the designs and marketing them. Anyway, Laura left on account of being under the weather and I was left unsure of what to work on and felt somewhat inadequate in a room full of people so organized. I mean they had a script outlined and were working on scenes and I was just staring at a bunch of silly slogans. Their mission seemed to have a lot more vision behind it.

To tell the truth I was completely envious of their organization and really wish I had a team of people to write with. I kind of wanted more to show for my efforts than just a few t-shirt designs, not to really demean those efforts because those were fun, I just wanted to work more on writing. Anyway, I suppose what this whole blog is for. That being said, I still enjoyed “thinking caps” and will try to have more to work on next time. The session ended at about 11pm and I headed home to get some sleep.

The next day I woke up reasonably early to continue the work search before another day of hanging out with Jessica. I met up with her at 1pm at a place called Peter’s Gourmet Diner or something like that on 1st ave between 83rd and 84th that also featured a gluten-free menu. I really have sympathy for Jessica in that her eating choices are severely limited. Sort of the like the way I feel for my friend Deb Miran who can’t eat any form of nuts. I mean peanuts are one of the best foods ever. That can’t be easy to stay away from, but I suppose if it’s a choice between peanut butter and dying, I’d have to not eat peanut butter. That must eliminate a good percentage of candy bars. Anyway, I had a Belgian waffle and some bacon. I’m a bad Jew. Jess had gluten-free pancakes, eggs, and bacon. She is also a bad Jew and apparently her pancakes were not very good. Afterwards we went on a stroll through Central Park and at around 3:30pm we split off because she wanted to go shoe shopping and I was tired and needed to do more job searching. I have to say, I’m really glad Jess came to town when she did. She’s one of my favorite people to talk and hang out with. Too bad she lives in Boston and is moving even further to New Hampshire with her boyfriend. Anyway, the rest of Wednesday was sort of awash.

I woke up today around 12:15. I haven’t been getting to sleep at very reasonable hours as of late. The last 3 nights have I’ve settled on bedtimes of 5am, 4am, and 3am. This is more due to insomnia than the need to watch TV. Several minutes upon waking up I realized I was missing the Syracuse-UCONN game. My original impulse was to not watch because I figured SU would lose and that we weren’t going to make it to the NCAA Tournament. However, I checked the score on the internet and noticed that my alma mater had a sizable lead. I immediately made my way over to the television and sat glued to the TV til almost 2:30 as I witnessed one of the most enthralling college games I had seen in recent memory, a game where Syracuse went from a certain NIT team to a definite lock for the field of 64 in the NCAA’s upcoming March Madness. That’s really all that happened today. It was pretty damn exciting though. The only other significant thing was being urged by David Abbott to write this blog I hope I spelled his last name correctly. Oh, and my Consumating
Popularity shot up about 100 places, so that was good. Now if only I could sell some T-shirts and get a job everything would be coming up aces.

Oh, and another thing. I’m trying to figure out what my writing is really good for and by that I mean, I’m looking for a good place to submit some entries in the hopes of getting paid or at least getting recognized. If you have any suggestions that you think would be good, let me know.

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It’s The Oscars

Posted by evankessler on March 6, 2006

And I couldn’t be feeling more lukewarm towards the event. I can’t wait til Brokeback Mountain wins something and the gay jokes start flowing. There’s a 96% chance that at the Oscar party you are/were at someone says “the Oscars are totally gay” or something similar when Brokeback gets its first award. So let the festivities begin and maybe I’ll do a weekend recap later but I feel a running diary coming on.

8:03 They just had the obligatory Mel Gibson is still insane joke. Update… Mel Gibson is still insane.

8:07 Charlize Theron doesn’t think Jon Stewart is funny.

8:09 First Gay cowboy joke.

8:12 You can’t really criticize or make fun of anything Jon Stewart hosts. I’m looking for something to nitpick on.

8:13 2nd Gay joke. This might be the best sequence in Oscar history. Whoever had the idea to do a homoerotic cowboy Western genre montage is an absolute genius.

8:20 George Clooney wins Best Supporting Actor…Matt Dillon had his chance back in the early 80’s with The Flamingo Kid and Paul Giamatti has to win next time he’s nominated though I never saw Cinderella Man. No dice for brokeback yet, but that was only one award.

8:29 I still don’t understand why Ben Stiller is funny.

8:31 They basically told everyone to go get a snack because they were doing best animated film and there’s no Shrek this year. Two guys in huge bowties won for some movie.

8:34 Betsy Van Stone doesn’t like Naomi Watts’ dress

8:35 What if Dolly Parton Broke ranks and sings “9 to 5” right now instead of singing her nominated song.

8:42 Luke and Owen Wilson are the new Baldwins except they need about 4 more brothers.

8:44 Martin Mcdonough won the Oscar for best short for his film Six Shooter. Meanwhile, at every home in America everyone is getting a snack.

8:45 Look, there are animations on stage. I can’t believe the animations are totally on stage. This is crazy. They should just realize people don’t care if they see animations presenting an award. It doesn’t really amaze people it’s more annoying than anything.

8:48 I think Jennifer Aniston is about to present for Best Chick Flick. Oh wait, no best costumes.

8:51 Russell Crowe is about to present for best fight. Oh no wait, he’s about to perform a 30 Odd Foot of Grunts song. Wait, it’s some weird thing about biopics.

9:01 Technical awards time. And if you weren’t getting a snack before you are now. Technical people have no personalities and apparently it rubbed off on Rachel McAdams.

9:03 I wouldn’t be surprised if I got to heaven and Morgan Freeman actually was god. Well god is in charge of Best Supporting Actress right now.

9:06 Are they playing music underneath everyone’s speech to scare the award winners away from making lengthy speeches?

9:22 The March of The Penguins directors are officially assholes for bringing Penguin dolls with them onstage as if we all needed visual reminders as to what a Penguin looks like.

9:24 Jennifer Lopez is “Beautiful and Versatile” or according to Matt Wood “Beautiful and Merciful”.

9:27 They announced that Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock would be presenting together next. I’m waiting for a Speed joke. It’ll go something like this: “There’s a bomb on this award we have to present it at 55 Miles Per hour or else it will explode”

9:30 I’m scouring the internet to figure out how you get a pet monkey. I mean where do you get a pet monkey? They’re not in pet stores.

9:33 There was no Speed joke. Pop quiz hot shot, there’s no Speed joke and Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are presenting…What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!

9:36 During a montage about film addressing social injustice or change they showed a clip of The Day After Tomorrow. What?

9;41 Now for the annual speech from the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts. If you haven’t taken a nap or gone to the bathroom yet there’s never been a better time.

9:50 Brokeback Mountain won for Best Original Score making it the gayest winner of Best Original Score. Spanish people love speaking Spanish. They just throw it in everyone’s face that they’re bilingual.

10:01 Jessica Alba, not the best reader. However, the vote is in and that doesn’t make her less hot.

10:07 It’s officially been over an hour since an award that anyone cares about was handed out. I guess the lifetime achievement to Robert Altman is careworthy. I don’t not care about it but it’s not competitive.

10:13 I sure wish Robert Altman’s speech had more bravado. Instead it’s all jittery and old.

10:16 I think the M. Night Shyamalan American Express commercial was the longest commercial ever. Is there a record for longest commercial? I’d really like to know.

10:19 The performance of “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” is officially the most urban moment in Oscar history. I’m not really sure how this is nominated, it’s not even a good hip hop song.

10:24 That song just won best original song. Sean Maddison just proclaimed the unbelievableness of the selection. How could Dolly Parton lose? Everybody loves Dolly Parton. The winners instead of thanking people just spouted verbal diarrhea.

10:26 I love how they’re daily showing up the awards.

10:30 Do you think the sound editors can get laid just by flaunting their Oscars?

10:31 I love the “In Memoriam” part because up to this point you hadn’t realized that half of these people met their demise. It’s like a year in review for obits. Extremely informative stuff. No real big surprises though I’m not sure if I knew Anne Bancroft died.

10:38 Does anyone else think it’s weird that Will Smith is presenting Best Foreign Film?

10:44 The first important award in an hour and forty-one minutes. I’m pulling for Phillip Seymour Hoffman on this one. There’s a lot of neighborhood pride riding on this one.

10:47 Sweet…He totally won.

10:55 John Travolta is 12 years removed from his comeback. I see no reason for him to be presenting any award even if it for something like Cinematography. Everyone knows John Travolta is an authority on Cinematography.

10:58 Alright best actress, my money is on Reese Witherspoon even though that movie was completely mediocre because everyone knows that Reese Witherspoon is America’s sweetheart. In all honesty, I hope she doesn’t win.

11pm Man I was totally right. I am awesome as much as I hate this win. This is going to be an awfully annoying speech. She just thanked people for helping her “create this role”. June Carter was a real person you asshole. Betsy called her a “twatbag”.

11:10 Oh man, Brokeback won it’s second award for Best Adapted Screenplay meaning it’s the Gayest Best Adapted Screenplay winner ever.

11:13 Best Original Screenplay I think will go to Crash because one of the writer’s names is Haggis. Oh man, I win. I’m so good at predictions. Do you think all of the winner’s look at Bartlett’s Book of Quotations the day before a big speech just so they can find a sage-like quote to make them sound smarter? I mean the Crash guy quoted Bertold Brecht.

11:15 I think Ronald McDonald is responsible for thousands of kids fear of clowns.

11:19 We’re almost to the end, Tom Hanks is giving out the Best Director. My money’s on Ang Lee. That guy is just a good director except for The Hulk. Oh man, I’m so good. Brokeback Mountain is the gayest Best Director winner ever.

11:21 Betsy speaks Chinese apparently and just translated what Ang Lee said in Chinese to “Thank you for your support.” Bartles and Jaymes are not available for comment.

11:22 Jack is presenting best picture. I say this one goes to Brokeback again. How many times do you think Jack Nicholson has presented the Best Picture Award. Oh man, I was wrong. Boo.

11;24 Crash wins. Sandra Bullock is in an Oscar winning movie. She is considering getting Paul Haggis to direct Miss Congeniality 3.

11:26 That was outstanding they just cut off the winner for Best Picture. I think that’s the first time that’s ever happened. It was the last award of the night, there was no harm in letting that go on another 45 seconds. Though, to be honest I didn’t really want to hear any more. This is way too early for an awards show to end.

Mini Postmortem: Overall, a pretty good show. Jon Stewart hosting made a world of difference and made it infinitely more watchable. Big thumbs up to the Stephen Colbert narrated negative campaign commercials.

11:32 The women of E! are discussing their own clothes on live TV. It’s riveting.

12:41 I just watched a little more than an hour of the E! post-awards show and I’m officially dumber for it.

I don’t think I have the mental capacity to expound on the details of my weekend anymore. Perhaps before tomorrow’s 2 Hour 24-athon I’ll have something to say. Unless I just say, this weekend was fun. Friday night I hung out at Great Lakes with John Vacanti, Mitch Hochhauser, Jessica, Dori, and “Fun Jack” Knudson. Then Jack and I split and had a few drinks at The Gates. Saturday I had a good time hanging out with Lauren Hlavenka, Steve Miller, Andy Seestedt, Jason Stefanik, and Kayvalyn Tersch for Lauren’s 27th Birthday at Zablozki’s in Williamsburg. My combined cab fare for the evening was $30, which completely sucked, but overall the night was fun.

Sunday afternoon I had some drinks with Joe Dworkin whilst listen to crappy funk blues jazz rock at Rockwood Music Hall. With that, I’ll call it a weekend.

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My Social Networking Addiction and The Worst Dinner Ever

Posted by evankessler on March 2, 2006

Perhaps this title should be the other way around because that’s the order I’m going to discuss things in, but I suppose order isn’t always the most important element of telling a story, or maybe it is the most. You can look at a movie like Pulp Fiction and use either argument. Anyway, this isn’t Pulp Fiction it’s EvanKessler.com and I don’t think it will ever come to represent anything remotely similar to Pulp Fiction nor will it ever serve as a vital example in a semantic argument on the importance of sequence. So let’s get to it shall we.
A few weeks ago I was present at the worst dinner ever. It may have not been the worst dinner ever to the other three participants who will remain unnamed but if they read this, which I’m pretty sure they have not in the past several months or so, they will recognize the subjects to be themselves. The setting was an eatery near Union Square and consisted of myself, and three friends from the college years, whom were actually also present at a similar outing documented at a significantly earlier date on this blog.

The entire dinner conversation consisted on a soliloquy from each partaker on the relative perfect life that each was enjoying at the current juncture. Contestant number one expounded on her perfect relationship that would no doubt end in marriage. She spoke on the rewards and perils of her job but in the end seemed extremely pleased with the present state of her being. Contestant number two discussed his fantastic new job that he was excited for and his lengthy relationship with his wonderful girlfriend and contestant number 3 was less outwardly optimistic, not portraying a complete an utter sense of serenity but nonetheless generally pleased with her state of being. Then the floor, or I guess table was turned over to me and what did I have to talk about. Nothing. Now, I know I could be coming off as a bitter asshole who does not want his friends to be happy but that is not the case. I’m happy most of the time if people are happy. I just feel as though I was being ambushed by lameness due to the manner in which this discussion was handled. It was less a conversation and more people just taking turns trying to impress each other with fabulousness of their lives, some more willingly than others. It was as if we were all vying for a grand prize of $1 million for the person with best resume so we all just read off our resumes in succession only I had just graduated from high school and everyone else had been gainfully employed for the past 20 years and expected me to have something equal to show but instead I just had my measly 1280 on the SAT’s. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with people being in relationships when I’m not, it just seems as though the majority of my friends in said relationships don’t feel the need to only talk about their relationships. They’re actually good at conversing on other topics and most of the time, do so, as they know it is not always of paramount interest to everyone at the table. Besides, it can only be interesting for so long.

Needless to say, by the time it was my turn at storytelling the contest pretty much came to a screeching halt and everyone felt the need to chime in about how to improve my life so I could have something more like they had as if I want to be exactly where they are. I’m not saying where they are is a bad place or a grand place, but at the same time I don’t view them as people who have it all. It seemed as if they completely lacked the ability to recognize that flaunting their own happiness to someone who is not in that place or didn’t really ask would be completely annoying. It wasn’t done with malice but it also wasn’t done with much tact or aplomb. It was like when you ask someone how they are and they start talking about something totally unrelated to impress you like “We just got the AT&T account and its going to be a really huge deal for the company.” Then you have to say something to compete only you don’t feel like competing because you want to have simple enjoyable conversation instead of a one-up fest.

So as the spotlight was unwillingly shot directly into my eyes, the glare was blinding and faced a barrage of, “Are you looking for work?” “Are you going on dates?” “Have you tried online dating? That’s how I met my boyfriend.” It was a deafening roar and made me feel like a complete charity case like I was still their friend but I was in a homeless shelter and they were serving the fucking soup. I almost felt humiliated but the funny thing was I knew it was coming so it lessened the blow. Through everyone else’s soliloquy I just kept thinking, “Is this going to be broken up in favor of normal conversation?” but with each subsequent, “now your turn” the moment seemed more inevitable. Their questions were returned by “I’m not really dating but that doesn’t mean I’m not trying” and “Of course I’m looking for jobs.” And with that I really had nothing else to say but there was still more to be said and it was unpleasant and bleak and just an overall awful gathering.

That being said, the whole, “I am trying” response brings us to my social networking addiction. Seeing as I’m basically home all day scanning the Internet for job opportunities there needs to be something to break up the monotony of the job hunt and since I don’t have the social outlet of a workplace like VH1 or anywhere for that matter, social networking fills a need.

First off, let me preface this by saying, I joined Match.com a couple of months ago because let’s face it, I wouldn’t mind meeting someone nice, hooking up or even getting laid once in a while and to be perfectly honest which I am nothing but on this here website (it is my own form of therapy), I’ve never actually had a real girlfriend. Cry me a river but I’m not asking for sympathy. I have dated a few women and don’t worry I’m not 100% pure and chaste but the longest relationship I’ve probably sustained has been a month or so. I’ve also probably ruined about 4 or 5 chances to have a relationship since I’ve lived in New York City. Anyway, I thought it would be good to get out there but I wasn’t exactly testing the market since I am nothing but skeptical about online dating. Especially, when you type in your criteria for the type of people you’re looking for and the people that come up do not seem to fit into any category you would ever want to explore. That being said, I have been met with equal amounts rejection as I am aware of my own imperfections (perhaps to a fault) and really only a total of 1 or 2 people have ever emailed me back on that site. I guess to the match.com clientele I’m not exactly ideal. It’s remarkable how many people think they will find the perfect tall, dark, handsome, and wealthy gentleman on there judging by their dating requirement on their profiles. It’s as if the definition for realism were replaced by the definition for fantasy in every dictionary they’ve ever read. For some reason that is okay by me because any website that features advice from Dr. Phil is not exactly my cup of tea and I’m not exactly sure I want to be involved with someone whose cup of tea it s. I’m very close to saying goodbye to that subscription. That’s a good amount of money that I’m not wasting each month.

Match.com failures aside I spend my non-job search time scouring Friendster and Myspace. I don’t look for dates or anything on there it just helps me feel I’m being social which kind of makes me feel lame but when you’re not around people all day it helps to feel you are socializing. I actually did get a date off of Friendster around Thanksgiving and it was awkward. Adam Starling and Betsy Van Stone can attest to the awkwardness. I’ve also been hit on since on Friendster but after a couple of back and forth messages they mysteriously stopped. Oh welll, onto Myspace. Myspace seems to get continuously more retarded by the day. I don’t really understand how it became cooler than Friendster. I think it might have something to do with technical problems or when they started the “Who’s Viewed Me” feature. I guess people valued their anonymity too much. I like Friendster because it seems ultimately more passive. If you want to write someone a funny testimonial or send an occasional message, that’s cool but it is not constant activity.

Myspace is this abyss of constant badgering. However, I am semi-addicted to it now. You can spy on people on Myspace without them knowing but you also have to deal with the crappy music or videos they put on their page, which can be quite the hindrance if you happen to have sound on your computer and the person you are checking out likes death metal, Aaron Carter, or Bow Wow. There are hordes of shirtless dudes showing off their abs and plenty of 16 year old retards misspelling words with Z’s and just generally using bad grammar while showing you how sexy they are and posting pictures of Chickens fucking pilgrims in your comment box. Don’t even get me started on the incessant posting of pointless surveys. So why am I still on this site? Well, let’s just say I’m not friendly with any shirtless people and if someone put an annoying comment I would promptly delete it. I also screen my friends and I don’t really try to find anyone on Myspace, for the most part I let people find me. I also won’t be friendly with anyone that has lots of shirtless friends though I make the occasional exception. It is all about selectivity, otherwise you’d be friends with about 700 terrible bands. I have befriended some unknowns who seem like they’d be interesting and cool to meet in person. Unfortunately, I don’t see that happening as I think the majority of those folks have skipped town as of recent. To sum up my Myspace experience, I have a set of guidelines regulating all of my Myspace relationships that keeps my addiction to it in order.

All of this social networking talk brings me to the newest of my addictions, Consumating.
Now, I was originally skeptical about this site because it got a lot of press in the New York Post and we know that by and large the only great thing about the Post is the sports section. I certainly don’t read the Post for it’s right wing point of view or for constant updates on Paris Hilton. After reading the article in the Post, I checked out the site and it’s more or less like a hipster dating site. The problem is I don’t consider myself a hipster and I don’t think real hipsters consider me to be a hipster. The fact is I don’t like to consider myself a part of any group as I’ve deemed it to be extremely limiting to confine ones self to one social strata. That being said, the people on this site are probably the most similar to my frame of mind but it does have its fair share of the too cool for school. What I like most about this particular site is its format. It doesn’t have the same stale dating personal information categories. It more or less just asks you to answer a weekly question, which affords you the opportunity to showcase your sense of humor and wit as well as list keywords that define you. That is much more my speed and seemingly less pressure than trying to impress people by saying what you do for fun or to write a little bit about yourself. In actuality I’ve never looked at any of these sights as hope for my dating life. I more or less like to type out funny things and engage in witty banter. I’ve always figured if I’m going to meet someone it’ll just be through a friend or it’ll just happen. Though, to go back to the worst dinner ever, that just made me feel like I should be pressuring myself, and that is just plain stupid. If anything that pressure just makes me feel less like myself and why would you want to date someone who likes you for not being yourself. You probably wouldn’t.

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