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Archive for January, 2006

Everyday Should Be A Holiday

Posted by evankessler on January 27, 2006


When an important news story goes unnoticed, you can always count on the Fox 5 News team to swoop in and get one hell of a scoop. Such was the case on the broadcast last evening in which Fox 5 revealed a riveting piece on a growing movement to make the day after the Super Bowl a holiday. I was first notified of this impending story when Arby sent me an instant message at around 10:25 PM. I decided to switch from whatever Comedy Central programming I had been half watching at the time in anticipation. I am not quite sure why I was moved to view this particular journalistic endeavor, maybe because I am a huge football fan who already has tickets to the NFL draft this spring or maybe because I just wanted to hear the argument of the people who were fighting for the particular national holiday which would probably be known as Vince Lombardi day. In any case, I waited through several commercial breaks for this story and when it finally appeared the story consisted of video footage of four people (The N.A.P or National Academy of Persons, I’m not making this up) picketing in front of a White Castle and two less than enthused man on the street interviews. My question is this, why were they picketing in front of a White Castle? Does White Castle have some sort of pull with the government? If that were the case maybe Martin Luther King Jr. day would have become a holiday in Arizona earlier if someone had the wherewithal to picket outside a Phoenix White Castle, if there are White Castle restaurants in Phoenix. They probably just have Jack in The Box and Sonic. Anyway, where was I? Not only did Fox make a big deal out of this non-story by repeatedly teasing it at the break, they made it seem like they would have more on it than just 40 seconds of nothing. After the piece ended the anchors read off some email from viewers who were so distraught by the possibility that Super Bowl Monday could be a holiday and these 4 picketers would see this thing through.

Some of the negative emails were along the lines of “oh my god, we can’t do this then we’ll have to have days off after all sporting championships it would be too much” and “this opens a whole new can of worms”. The positive emails were along the lines of “I think Super Bowl Monday should be a holiday because the game is on after midnight and kids have to wake up to go to school the next day.” First of all, the Super Bowl always starts at around 6:30pm on the East Coast so you won’t be seeing any Super Bowls go until midnight unless there are 5 overtimes or unless you live across the ocean and Second of all just because 4 guys have picket signs outside of White Castle and a website doesn’t mean you’ll be having a three day weekend the first weekend of February any time soon. Thanks for the scoop Fox. That was a hell of a non-riveting story.

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Doing My Duty.. Sort of

Posted by evankessler on January 20, 2006

Every once in awhile the men and women of this country receive a letter in the mail alerting them that their country needs them to fulfill their patriotic duty as citizens of this great nation of ours. I received this envelope several months ago, but was originally unable to provide my patriotic services due to my participation in “VH1’s R. Kelly Trapped in The Closet Chapters 6-8 Special.” My country still needed me. However, they’d just have to wait until the day after Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. My country patiently waited and when the time came I arrived at the U.S. Federal Court of Appeals (at least I think that’s what court it was, maybe it was just the district court) for Federal Jury duty at 8:30am on Tuesday January 17, 2006. I was initially nervous but somewhat anxious to take part in the judicial processes of United States in America. I might be personally responsible for the condemning and incarceration of a fellow American. My excitement soon gave way to boredom. After handing in my juror information sheet, I sat down on the aisle of the Constance Baker Motley Room at the courthouse waiting for my name to be called so I could be chosen to serve on a jury. I looked around the room thinking maybe I’ll be put on a jury with a cute girl. That might be worth the time served. There was nary a cute girl in sight. I think all cute girls have ways of avoiding the majority of societies pitfalls such as unemployment, jury duty, and maybe even death altogether. The minutes of sitting turned into hours as I delved further into reading the The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. Three lists of 40 or so people were read off. None of these lists contained my name, but the people whose names were called out were jettisoned to courtrooms to be chosen to the fantasy world only read about in John Grisham novels, and I suppose other authors who write courtroom stories.

Soon it was noontime and an announcement was made that the court was breaking for lunch. This was not a normal lunch “hour” as we were given until 1:45pm to return to the courthouse. I wandered around looking for food and after about 20 minutes of trying to figure out where I should eat I settled on a pizza place near the courthouse. I sat and read some of the New York Post whilst eating my slice of Sicilian. I had way too much time to kill. After eating, I moseyed over to my brother’s apartment to water his plants and relieve myself in a clean environment. I still had 45 minutes so I took a long route back to the Courthouse. I still got back early which wasn’t so bad because I was just going to read when I got back anyway and that’s not the worst way to spend your day. Granted, there are plenty of things I would have rather done to pass an entire day. Anyway, so I did some more reading and when I got bored of that I moved onto crossword puzzles from AmNewYork and the New York Post. Just as I was about to go back to reading around 3:15 an announcement was made and a list of names was read off. Again my name was not on the list. Everyone on that list was told to leave for the day and come back tomorrow morning. Five minutes later another list of names was read aloud and quite expectedly my name was not announced. I began to wonder if they had lost my sheet and I was pointlessly occupying this room. Finally, at around 3:30pm another list was read and much to my surprise I heard my name. The instructions following the announcement of this list were to call a certain number the following day after 5pm to get further jury duty instructions and with that I was dismissed for Tuesday after nearly 7 hours in the same room. I walked back towards the subway and came across the bar, The Patriot, and for a moment pondered tying one on and by that I mean drinking a mid afternoon PBR. I decided against it as I may have felt pathetic midway through and also because there were some douchebag looking dudes outside.

When I arrived home there was a text message from Kristin E inviting me to join her and her roommate Jill at the People’s Improv Theatre for their friend Justin’s sketch comedy show. Seeing as I had no other plans I decided to join them. The show was at 9:30pm and I honestly don’t have that much to say about it. It was okay. I did not laugh that much, though I didn’t hate it, but I wasn’t really in love with it either. The stuff that was stupid just seemed really stupid and the stuff that worked did not overwhelm me with laughter. I’m not an expert on comedy but I think I like seeing improv more than sketch comedy. It seems a lot more rewarding because no one, not even necessarily the performers know what is going to happen. After the show, Jill, Kristin, and I grabbed a drink at Molly Wee’s though Kristin’s drink was strictly non-alcoholic, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Wednesday was a day of activity as I headed out to Queens to Anna M’s apartment for the 2nd Unemployment Brunch in about 2 and a-half months. I arrived at around 1:15 and was the first to arrive. Apparently, I am always first to every friendly gathering I am invited to. I am way too punctual for my own good. Must…stop…being…so…predictable.

An hour later, Anna and I were joined by Maureen H, then Deb M, and finally by Adam Starling. Most of the talk was of a depressing nature how none of us could get jobs but alcohol, cinnamon rolls, and crumb cake lightened the mood as we all got a boost from the sugar we were ingesting. I was just about ready to crash when I left at around 5:45. I was pleasantly buzzed after many a glass of champagne. I went from Queens back to Manhattan to meet my roommate Ellen for her friend Cat’s short film showing at Anthology Film Archives. First I stopped at my apartment which surprisingly only took about 25 minutes to get back to from Queens. It was quite the shock. When I arrived home I called the number I was given to check my jury duty status. After a long unnecessary soliloquy the voice told me I was done with my jury duty. Half of me was excited, and the other half was disappointed that I didn’t get to see the judicial branch in action. Maybe next time. Fresh off of my stunning revelation, I high tailed it to 2nd and 2nd and met Ellen, who was with Michael, the guy she is seeing. I don’t like to give people titles when I’m not sure if they’re sure they’re ready for titles. Cat’s film was the first thing we saw and at first I just thought we were watching the opening credits for another short film and then realized she had made an 5 minute abstract short. I kept waiting for the actors to come on. That being said, it was a good little film. Afterwards, we sat through 2 documentaries, the first on a woman and her dog that she had a scary relationship with. I think it was acquired by HBO so maybe you’ll be able to see it on demand soon. The “dogamentary” was followed by a documentary on the Black Sabbath cover band Sabbra Cadabbra, which I kind of enjoyed. I never really understood the idea of wanting to be in a cover band and even though I still don’t really get it, I guess I get it a little more.

When the screenings ended, Ellen, Michael, and I went to Sweet & Vicious on Spring to meet up with and get a drink with Cat. We hung out for what seemed like a half hour or so and then went our separate ways. I called it a night at that point and went home to watch TV. It’s not like it was so early, it was 11 something when I got home and finally had some dinner after a day of eating only sugar.

I don’t have any stories about today, it was mostly disappointing job hunt stuff and a trip to the gym. Now I’m ready for the weekend. Anybody have something fun for me to do?

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What the hell?

Posted by evankessler on January 12, 2006


In the summer of 1988, hypodermic needles were found washed up on the Jersey shore. On January 11th 2006, a plastic receptacle filled with hypodermic needles and syringes was found on the stoop of my apartment. I was leaving my apartment around 1:45 P.M. to drop some mail in the box on the corner of Bleecker and Jones when I noticed to the right of me on my stoop a red container that appeared to be one of those wastepaper baskets that one would have under their desk, except that it was red and had a transparent top fitted on. Upon looking down I saw a bunch of syringes and needles piled up to the top of the enclosed container. I was utterly confused and dropped off my mail but upon my return still seeing the possible medical waste I decided to call my roommate Matt to ask him if he had seen anything. Matt said he had seen them when he left the house but figured that he would just leave it to be figured out until later tonight. He said maybe it was our other roommate Brian’s. The last time I checked Brian is not in the medical business nor does he resemble a heroine addict. I know, you never can tell but I immediately ruled this out as a possibility and also ruled out the idea of leaving the syringes unattended on my stoop til nightfall. Another thing I ruled out was the possibility of me personally disposing of or even touching the container housing these needles and syringes whose origins I hadn’t the slightest clue of. Who knew what was in those needles or syringes? Probably nothing, but I was not taking any chances.

My first instinct was to call 911 but this wasn’t an immediate emergency. Someone could be getting murdered or raped across town, I didn’t want to tie up the phone lines with a trash concern, albeit a possibly hazardous one. Instead, I called the not so emergency 311 line. After about a minute wait I spoke to an operator who I then explained the situation to. From that operator I was transferred to the sanitation department who wanted nothing to do with the removal of said object because it was not on the sidewalk but on my stoop. I’m sure I could’ve moved it to the sidewalk wearing a pair of gloves but I didn’t want to take any chances. From there, the sanitation folks transferred me to good ole 911. After a couple of minutes of describing the situation for the 3rd time the operator told me that she would send some local cops over to handle the request.

Twenty- five minutes later two female cops were at my door and the first thing they said was “Who put this here? Did you put this here?” What a bunch of dicks. Do they actually think I would leave out a bunch of syringes and then call the cops to dispose of them because I didn’t want to touch them? There was even more unnecessary confusion. The cops seemed disappointed that the scene was not ripe with danger. They then said “this isn’t even open, they told us it was a dangerous situation. It looks secure to me.” It wasn’t secure enough for me to be handling a box of errant syringes. Who knows what could’ve been in those things, Bird flu, small pox, that stuff that Alec Baldwin uses in the movie Malice to give Nicole Kidman ovarian cysts.” Terrorists could’ve left it out hoping that it would be ransacked by heroine addicts thereby, spreading some new epidemic. The point is, if there are hypodermic needles on my doorstep, sealed or not, I am not touching them.

The cops then asked me “how did they get there?” To which I responded, “They were just here”. I thought I had covered this already. The cops then responded, “who the EMT?” “No” I said, “the syringes.” It was almost like talking to your pet and thinking that they should understand what you’re saying but you know they don’t. Anyway, they came to the easy solution of, “Well okay, we’ll just take it to a hospital.” And just like that, the case of the hypodermic needles at my apartment was solved. Hopefully, they were unused and are going to help some sick little child in the intensive care unit. Otherwise, I hope they are disposed of in a safe manner and do not end up on my doorstep once again. Let this be a lesson to you. Keep this story in mind just in case you have a container of syringes and needles wind up on your doorstep someday, you’ll know what to do.

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What Were They Thinking?

Posted by evankessler on January 11, 2006

Last evening, (Monday1/09) prior to going out with John Vacanti to catch a band at the Rodeo Bar, my roommate Ellen and I were watching the movie Footlose on one of the HBO channels. It had been a long time since I’d actually watched Footloose, the last time maybe being in 1992 or so as I headed back from Dorney or Hershey Park on the camp bus. My impressions then of it were pretty much that it was kind of a lame movie but I don’t know if I was in tune with the absurdity of the whole premise back then along with the fact that it may be the single most homoerotic movie ever or at least second to Top Gun. I mean, the plot is the most absolutely laughable idea ever. That’s another one of those pitch meetings you’d love to be present for. A kid from Chicago moves to a town where nobody is allowed to dance because of a car accident years ago that killed two kids listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll music. The new kid (Kevin Bacon) can’t believe that nobody is allowed to dance so he shakes things up. The best part is that Kevin Bacon’s flashdancing gymnastics team castoff is supposed to exude macho-ness as he bounces off walls and somersaults through the warehouse. He dances to keyboard laden pop tunes when expressing his anger over the townsfolk harassing him over his big city ideas of putting on a dance. The funniest part is that the big bad jocks in this movie harassing him aren’t big football players or wrestlers but they’re gymnasts; big, bad, pickup truck driving hick gymnasts. Also for the ladies the film has some locker room shower ass shots. I don’t know who wrote this film but in no way could it have been a straight male, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Watch it and you’ll know what I mean. I’m sure I could bring up a few more issues but I didn’t sit through the whole movie. I have to say that I really enjoy the 80’s dancing. Kevin Bacon should have all copies of this film destroyed as should John Lithgow, Chris Penn and Sarah Jessica Parker for that matter so that no one could say, “oh my god, they were in this!”. That being said, Footloose serves as a strange marker of the climate of American Culture at that time, because there’s no way in hell that movie would be made now.

Now I feel as though I should’ve watched the entire movie and written this because it feels very incomplete without all of the facts but that’s mostly what I do in this site, trumpet my uninformed views on such things.

Anyway, after my viewing or semi-viewing of Footloose with Ellen I headed out to meet John at Rodeo Bar to see a country band called The Weight or The Wait. I never actually saw the listing so I’m not sure. The band was okay if a little flat. They had a few good songs from what I could hear. The bar was reasonably crowded for a Monday night and there were tons of people talking rather than listening to the music at all. The band had also a lot of cute girls there to see them that weren’t paying attention but I surmised that they weren’t my type. Sometimes you can tell this just by the way a girl smells. I know we were at a bar but the section of the room was permeating with the girl who wears too much makeup smell. I discovered this smell whilst hooking up sophomore year in college with a sorority girl who used to date a friend of mine who had set us up. I tolerated a few more times and hung out with her for about a month and then decided that I just couldn’t take it anymore. The girls I like tend to have a certain smell that I associate with them. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like a light vanilla-y nature-y smell. I think the smell just sets off a chemical reaction in my brain but every time I smell it I know there must be a pretty girl around somewhere. I think I discovered this in high school every time I hung out with Jessica I senior year. Subsequently, I started to notice this scent everywhere and wherever it was pretty girls were abound. The scent will forever be known as the pretty girl smell to me even though it is probably just a weird mixture of patchouli, sandalwood, and vanilla that was concocted by hippies. Okay, I just realized that this is the dumbest post ever. I’m going to stop writing right now because I’m just grossly off topic now and can’t find my way back.

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Happy New Week

Posted by evankessler on January 6, 2006

Well, it’s 2006 and so far, nary a dull moment. Well, perhaps there have been several. The daytime has been mostly dull since I still do not have work. However, the evenings with the exception of Sunday and Monday have been action packed this week.

Tuesday evening had a little happy hour fun as I went to Samantha Hahn’s art opening at Kanvas and despite a slow beginning it picked up when the crowd died down. Most of the night I wandered around with no one to really talk to save for Sam’s mother. Though we did have a delightful conversation about the silliness of certain piercings and teenage rebellion. Soon after the departure of the masses I had some good interaction with Matt K (sp?) and Sam’s friends Violet, Jolie, and Susan. I had a few drinks in me by that point as well so that helped. After the party I went home and passed out on my couch only to wake up at 1am and not really fall asleep again til 7:30am. I tell you, I did not enjoy that.

Wednesday night I did not originally have any plans. I had hoped to watch the Rose Bowl with some Texas folk when midday I got a phone call from Ole Schell who wanted to watch the game. Far be it from me to turn down a social offering so later in the evening Ole and I met up at Diablo Cantina or Cantina Diablo, whatever the name of the place is next to Buster’s Garage in Tribeca. My brother soon joined us and we had some beers and Mexican food in the first half, headed back to my brother’s apartment to watch the 2nd half. It was quite an entertaining game and quite representative of the top billing it got as the National Championship game. If you don’t know who won, let’s just say everyone I know from Texas is happy.

Thursday was pretty similar to Tuesday and Wednesday in that the days were completely boring and uneventful. I have to be honest I’ve been completely depressed during the day and I really am in need of work so my overactive imagination doesn’t continue to do a number on my ego. Oh, and work would give me more money too so I could actively enjoy life without feeling guilty for spending the money that I’ve been spending lately. Anyway, midway through the day and emailed surfaced about a happy hour get together and I was more than pleased to make my presence felt at said happy hour gathering. It was a small gathering though. The only people at the Fat Black Pussycat were myself, Lauren H, Jesse P, Rob M. and his friend Akiko. I was not disappointed, it was a fun gathering though small and plenty of beer was shared between the five of us. I got home at around 8:30 and now I’m writing this. I have to say though, in the time I’ve been home I’ve already had a disturbing event happen. I was sitting on my couch and our friendly apartment mouse ran up the leg of my jeans. That has never happened to me before and it was disturbing to say the least. I washed my leg after like I had OCD. I seriously need to get a cat for this apartment. If anyone has a cat I can borrow for like 3 weeks to alleviate my mouse problem it would be much appreciated. Or if you just want to bring your cat over to hang out I will love you forever. FOREVER. Anyway, the weekend is upon us so stay tuned for the EK.COM weekend recap on Monday and while you’re here you might as well go to my store and buy a shirt. Six other people have so far. Do you think you’re better than those people? Also, there will be some official 2006 designs coming soon that I’m working with some collaborators on. Be on the lookout. Also, look below, because I threw some new years photos in.

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