Evan Kessler Dot Com

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Archive for September, 2005

Evan Kessler’s Marketing Plan

Posted by evankessler on September 29, 2005

This date has a certain significance for me but it’s far too dark and depressing so I’ll skirt the issue. Instead, I’ll focus on the evankessler.com marketing plan, which I’ve formulated in the past 10 hours. First of all thanks to my Washington state fan base I’ll be able to conquer the west coast in no time once they start wearing their Evan Kessler & His Only 2 Friends Shirts. Seriously, Katie, Tarra, and Kelly, thanks for your support. Beyond that, I’m thinking about sending a chain letter. The chain letter will read as follows:

To whom it may concern:
If you don’t buy a shirt from my website, evankessler.com and send this email to 15 people in 10 days, you’ll most certainly die pretty soon and/or lose all of your shirts.

Evan J. Kessler

If this does not work I shall have to rethink a new strategy. I may have to enlist the Washington state contingent to begin my aggressive marketing campaign though it’s not set in stone. There’s still time to configure a new marketing plan.

Also, another thing I’ve noticed is that since I’ve been working the past few days, and haven’t kept up my away message with the evankessler.com link the amount of web hits has gone down drastically, nearly destroying my daily traffic numbers. Perhaps, I will leave that message up from now on.

On the work front, I realized today that my work assignment will probably not be too treacherous judging by the fact that the last 20 minutes of work today consisted of my producer trying to teach me the finer points of learning the shooting game Halo. I was not very good, my producer and editor took turns blowing my head off in a three- player competition. I’m not good at those action games since violence does not come naturally to me at all.

Also, I went to see Matt Wood play tonight at the Living Room. He was playing keyboards for someone. At one point, I realized that I was drinking and that I’d have to go to work tomorrow. It’s been so long since that thought had actually occurred to me. Afterwards, we met up with potential roommate Ellen who was really super cool. I hate being a guy and using the word super but I think it applies. We still have one more potential roommate to meet with, so we’ll see how it goes. I don’t mind knowing that one potential roommate is really cool though because if the other one doesn’t seem right then I’d feel perfectly fine about choosing the other. Alright, I’ve go to sleep, my alarm will go off tomorrow and I’ll unfortunately have to wake up bright and early

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Back On The Job

Posted by evankessler on September 27, 2005

Today was the first day of the rest of my three weeks at VH1 and the rest of my life for that matter. Most of my day was spent getting back into all of the VH1 systems. I had to get my phone reattached and my email set up again. I was in an office all alone and I quickly realized how slow the day goes when you’re working. Really, it’s pretty brutal. I’m sure most of you know that since you probably haven’t had the last 4 months off as I have. Really, who am I to complain? I will say this that I think I spent more money today than I would on a normal day of not working. I guess that makes sense though. I had to get lunch in the Times Square area and that always sets me back at least $8. For lunch I walked with Maureen to Europa Café and Hale & Hearty Soups. As we were walking in I walked into the delightful Brigid who subletted Matt W’s room for a month this summer. That was a pleasant surprise as I thought she had gone to England. We had a quick catching up conversation and then went separate ways as Maureen and I headed inside.

Inside Hale & Hearty I was overjoyed to see my favorite soup back on the menu. I stopped going there because they had stopped serving the cream of tomato with chicken and orzo. Now I know what’s for lunch tomorrow. This is what I have to get excited about in the working world. Though I’ll be honest, I think the show I’m working on will be fun. There’s not much other news to report since I don’t think much can happen to you when you’re sitting in an office. I long to be back living the good life, waking up at leisurely hours and doing things at my own pace. In three weeks, this office stuff might all be a memory, or maybe I’ll be back into it. One thing’s for sure, I’m certainly well rested and perhaps it’s time to turn it in and get some more.

On a completely different note, I also realized a couple of hours ago that the song “Opposites Attract” by Paula Abdul has the potential to be the greatest karaoke duet of all time. I just need to find someone who is willing next time out.

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False Alarm 3- The Unemployment Saga Continues

Posted by evankessler on September 23, 2005

I considered calling this posting Evan Kessler & His Only 3 Fans but I’ll get to that later. However, I figure since I’m constantly updating you as to my unemployment situation I should start there. Why? Don’t ask questions just accept the facts as I tell them to you. My summer, even though it’s technically autumn, will be one week longer than stated in the previous posting. Wednesday afternoon I received a call from my former and would be producer alerting me that they would not be getting the needed footage until a week later than expected, so I could sit on my ass and suck funds from the New York State Department of Labor for one glorious extra week. Also, seeing as I don’t think I’m going to get the job working for that Carribean video network, I might as well spend another week reading books and eating lunch outside at Cafes. That being said, work begins on October 3rd unless postponed until further notice. I have a feeling it will be postponed indefinitely and I will need to start selling blood when my monetary situation becomes dire. Until then, it’s late nights and lazy days with a side of maternal nagging. Wednesday wasn’t all bad. Actually, the undertones surrounding Wednesday were awful with it being my favorite roommate’s last day in New York. Sean Maddison, Jen Showers, and I went out to Chumley’s for a goodbye drink at around 10:30pm. Sean had remembered that it was our friend Ole’s (pronounced Ola) birthday and he was having a get together at the new biergarten Lederhosen on Grove St. We arrived to a minor crowd gathered for a jolly occasion and sat down and had a beer and multiple shots of apple liqueur that one of Ole’s friends kept buying. I think the resulting Thursday hangover had a lot to do with those shots, not to mention the shot of Jagermeister. Sean left after his first beer, and I told him to wake me before he left for the airport. I stayed out for awhile with Ole and 2 of his friends. After Lederhosen we went to the gay piano bar Marie’s Crisis for a beer. On the way there, Ole decided that he wanted to smoke a cigar and bought be one as well. We smoked it on the way there even though it was right around the corner. That’s when I know I’m drunk; I agree to smoke a cigar. That’s only the third thing I’ve ever smoked in my life. I know it’s hard to believe because I seemed stoned 98 percent of the time.

After Marie’s Crisis Ole insisted we go to Duplex because he insisted that hot girls always go to gay bars. I don’t know why he cares. He dates a model. If there had been any attractive girls at the bar I probably would’ve been the polar opposite of smooth (which I suppose is unsmooth or rough). Instead, we walked in to find a sparse crowd and a video screen with a shirtless guy digging. We immediately left and headed to the Four-Faced Liar. This is where things get hazy. I think we had one drink there.

I woke up at around 11:30 this morning on the upstairs couch next to Sean Maddison’s room. I think I must’ve slept there in the hopes that he would wake me to say goodbye before he left, which he might have done but I have no recollection of it. Alcohol is terrible for you. I was massively hung over all day after that. I spent most of the day asleep on the couch, except for lunch at Westville with my brother. That was necessary. Food needed to be in my stomach but I really didn’t want to be out of the apartment. My hangover finally went away at 7:30pm, just in time for Earl Pickens at the Sidewalk Café at 10pm. I did not drink at the Earl Show. I don’t think I was any fun. I was in a zombie like state but nonetheless enjoyed Earl’s performance. If you live in Philadelphia or Nashville, I recommend you go to his show when he comes to your town relatively soon.

On to another topic not related to my schedule, now we’re going to talk about my fan base. This is not me performing fellatio on myself, I just wanted to acknowledge that there are readers of this website who I didn’t email and tell to read my website. They live in other states and I have never met them. Case and point, on August 29th my Guestbook had a message from Fred and Sam. I racked my brain to figure out a Fred and Sam that I knew and when I viewed the email address it did not ring any bells. I have a cousin named Sam and a old roommate named Sam but I knew it wasn’t either of them. Two weeks later I received another post from one Kelly, saying she was a friend of Fred and Sam’s. Again, I tried to justify this person as someone I had previously met but could not think of. I let my brain wrap itself around the thought that maybe other people than people I’ve shamelessly promoted to had seen this site. It still didn’t register so I completely ignored that possibility. Then this weekend, another Evan Kessler posted on the Guestbook. I was completely shocked. It was a wonderful moment. Evan Kessler’s reaching across a continent to say, hey, I’m you.

I decided to investigate further into some of the postings. I emailed “Fred”, “Sam”, and Kelly two days ago. Much to my surprise, they responded not thinking I was a complete idiot for contacting them. To my delight, they wrote terrifically funny and witty emails about themselves and their experience finding evankessler.com amongst other things. One of them even has a photo of Fernando Ferrer on her cell phone as a result of my monthly poll for September. Their emails really made my day and I just wanted to thank them on the blog for reading. Okay, it’s late. I’m going to sleep.

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False Alarm #2

Posted by evankessler on September 21, 2005

I showed up to VH1 at 9:55AM on Monday morning only to find out at 10:40PM that I was not supposed to be there until next Monday. The Summer rages on. Who wants to go out Wednesday night until 5am? Actually if anyone wants to join me, I’m going to go to the Sidewalk Café on Thursday night to see Earl Pickens. Despite my temporary denial of work, Monday afforded me the opportunity to read some more, play madden til the wee hours of the morning, and leave early for the Giants-Saints game at the Meadowlands.

Sean Maddison and I got to the port authority at 5:30pm and bought our bus tickets to go to the stadium. We went so early because I was afraid that there would be too much traffic getting to the game and it would take longer than it usually did on Sundays. Boy, was I wrong. We arrived at Giants Stadium a little after 6pm. We wandered aimlessly admiring the tailgaters and their BBQ action for a bit and then we ventured into the stadium after inhaling some BBQ Sandwich’s from Smokey’s BBQ Truck. I swore that I wouldn’t drink any beer after inhaling so much alcohol this past weekend but the minute we were seated in Section 115 of Giants Stadium, Sean disappeared momentarily only to arrive with two plastic bud light bottles for $6.75 each. God bless stadium prices. I proposed a toast to the greatest roommate ever, Sean no middle name Maddison, who leaves us in favor of the left coast this Thursday. My heart hurts and he will be dearly missed. Sean and I had approximately 4 bears throughout the course of the game and I probably went to the bathroom 6 times. Though I think I missed a total of 3 plays. The Giants romped the New Orleans Saints 27-10 in the disaster sympathy bowl. It was a strange night of football. I’ve never been to a game in which there was a concert at half time, or more specifically one song performed by southern purveyors of shitty music, Three Doors Down. There was also a ton of fights all over the stadium. The crowd was definitely rowdy and much louder than I’m accustomed to at normal Giants games and the place wasn’t even full.

After the Giants scored to go up 21-7 I got a bloody nose for no apparent reason. I don’t think I’ve had a bloody nose in at least 10 years. That was a strange moment, so I sat down and held my nose upside down or whatever you’re supposed to do in that event. I was just glad to not be a hemophiliac at that moment. Bleeding to death is never fun in any surrounding though I suppose. The Giants game was a great way to spend Monday night despite all of the blood. The Giants won and rose to 2-0 on the season. I wish I could go to San Diego for next week’s game.

I woke up this afternoon feeling well rested after achieving a four hour night of sleep the evening before. I spent the majority of my day sifting through emails regarding our roommate situation. We are looking to fill Sean’s shoes, (or his room at least) which is no easy task, I assure you. There were literally more than 200 emails in response to a craigslist posting my roommate had put up. Some people even sent pictures of themselves, which I found to be extremely bizarre. I showed the room to one person tonight as well. This may be my life until that room is filled and god I hope it is filled soon. I don’t know what Wednesday holds but hopefully a lot less sifting. Cross your fingers for me and if you know anyone who is looking for a place send me an email.

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09/15/05 Guerilla Interview Subject: Jill G

Posted by evankessler on September 15, 2005

The Nectar of the gods is no match for the iron palate of Ms. Jill G

Just a little background on Jill up there. She works in casting on the west coast. Her Friendster profile says so. I met Jill like I met so many people in college, at the University Union office. She was an impressionable underclass(wo)men member of UUTV and I was the senior co-coordinator of UU Concerts. We spent many a day conversing on the couch of the UU office and making fun of videos on CTN by such acts as Canadian white pop soul stalwarts Souldecision as well as the Barenaked Ladies, Nine Days, and Three Doors Down. This was the soul basis of our friendship and our bond was a strong one. One day, I graduated from Syracuse University and moved to New York, leaving me to wonder what would become of this friendship built on the premise of ridicule. When Jill graduated all that remained of the time we spent together was an IM name and the magic of technology’s ability to connect people instantly whilst being miles away. It is that technology that brought us to today, September 15th 2005. When I first IM’d Jill this afternoon it was with only the intention of asking what she was up to, as I was sitting bored at home. After the first few sentences I realized that this conversation had guerrilla interview potential, so I went for the jugular. Was it worth it? I think it was, but I’ll allow you, the readers of evankessler.com to be the judge of that. Now without further ado, the return of the evankessler.com guerrilla interview.

Evan Kessler: Hello. I noticed you’re online. I’m online too

Jill G: We have something in common. How are you?

EK: I am okay.

JG: Where are you?

EK: I’m in cyberspace. Creepy right?

JG: Voyeur.

EK: I’m watching you type, you’re using your hands, I can see everything.

JG: How did you know !!??

EK: Help me out here for a second…If I’m referring to myself in the third person, that means I’m saying my name right?

JG: Yes.

JG: Like, Jill loves to eat sushi.

JG: Mmm, does Jill love that sushi.

EK: How does it feel to be such a grammarian?

JG: Amazingly enlightened.

EK: Where is Grammaria?

JG: Somewhere just north of Saskatchewan. It’s a bit cold there, but nice nonetheless.

EK: Is it next to that new Canadian province of Nunnavut.

JG: Yes. You know the area.

EK: Lots of Eskimos….or Inuits sorry, that’s politically incorrect of me.

JG: I think they like to be called “little people”. Haha.

EK: Is that where little people come from? I don’t mean to offend any little people who may be reading this. Is that where midgets come from?

JG: Yes, midgets not lilliputians. People often confuse the two.

EK: Good, I’m glad we’ve got that straightened out.

JG: One sec… ok sorry. Apparently I have work to do. So I’ve gots to go.

EK: Have you ever played pinochle?

JG: Oh my god, we were just talking about this last night. What are the chances that twice in 24 hours, Pinochle is brought up?

EK: Pretty good, pinochle is all the rage?

JG: Is it making a comeback? Oh no, have to go. Ok, bye.

EK: I’ve never played but I was wondering if you could summarize the rules in one sentence.

(at this point Jill signed off and I had left the interview for dead. Several hours later after dinner I noticed that Jill was online again and made my move to finish what I had started.)

EK: I was wondering if you could summarize the rules of pinochle in one sentence or more or less.

JG: Actually I have no idea how to play.

EK: That’s good enough for me.

JG: I was actually wondering if YOU could summarize the rules.

EK: There’s a deck of cards and you play pinochle.

JG: And there are no cards with numbers except for 10’s. That’s all I know.

EK: That’s more than I know. There. We’ve satisfied our relentless thirst for the rules and regulations of pinochle.

JG:I believe that pinochle is a game invented by westerners- a liberated, democratic game…in which you are given two card options, red and black…and are forced to choose among them and whoever ends up with the Ace of Spades, wins.

EK: I think this is too much information.

JG:…unless of course the Ace of Diamonds is voted in, in which case you win. Go tit?

EK: I want to know on a more abstract level.

JG: Haha. Got tit? I meant to say got it?

EK: Yes I have two. I got it.

JG: Maybe you have mine then. They’ve been missing for years.

EK: That’s fascinating. Do you mind if I use your friendster photo in a non-friendster related way?

JG: What for? Which one?

EK: Wait, before we get to that, How has evankessler.com changed your life?

JG: The one where I look like white trash, or the other one where I look like white trash?

EK: Either or, but answer the question I just asked.

JG: I have actually checked myself into rehab and adopted two Nigerian children as a result of evankessler.com. But I have also killed two innocent people for no good reason but, you know, life isn’t perfect.

EK: That is inspiring and frightening at the same time.

JG: So what do you want to use my Friendster picture for?

EK: For this.

JG: Oh, testimonials?

EK: wait for it…

EK: wait for it…


EK: (in huge print, accidentally) Thank you for taking part in the http://www.evankessler.com Guerilla interview, where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact being interviewed.

EK: Sorry I have no idea what I just did.

JG: I believe you just sent me an ad, a rudimentary one at that.

EK: Indeed, but an ad nonetheless

JG: But I have enjoyed your interview nonetheless.

EK: Well thank you, it’s been about a year since I’ve done one and I feared I’d be rusty. However, perhaps I was at the top of my game because you did not suspect for a second despite all of my bizarre inquiries on pinochle.

JG: Actually, I believe I may have been the victim of a previous guerrilla interview.

EK: By who? When?

JG: You wouldn’t know him unless you were friends with my previous crack dealer.

EK: Fair enough. Well this has been simply lovely. This is where we can end the interview but we can talk normally from this point on.

JG: Wait, you ended the interview with my crack dealer?


If you’ve missed the previous http://www.evankessler.com guerrilla interviews with Michael Haigh, Poingly, Lauren H, or Adam Starling, just click on their name and you will be whisked away to the magical world of their respective archived guerrilla interviews.

Also if you would like to know the likes and dislikes of Marissa B click on her name and you will be immersed in the wonder that is Marissa (this is currently a defunct link but I’m thinking about covertly sneaking it back on unbeknownst to Ms. B)

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Summer Is Dead. Long Live Summer!!!

Posted by evankessler on September 15, 2005

False alarm. Everybody calm down. I have not ascended into the ranks of the employed just yet. Take a deep breath and sigh in relief, the summer of love or apathy, or any combination of the two that results in a different word, continues. Just because my job prospects have slowed down doesn’t mean Evan Kessler (now kids, just because I’m referring to myself in the 3rd person doesn’t make it okay) has slowed down. No siree, I’ve had a regular onslaught of activity this week. Tuesday was the day I found out the job I was offered was no longer available after I called back too late, and it was also our last improv class. To be perfectly honest we were all pretty awful, though there were a few moments of inspired brilliance courtesy of John and Bryan from Staten Island. Afterwards we went out drinking as usual though it felt a little bittersweet, as it may be the last time we hang out as a group with beer. Though our show is Sunday so we’re sure to enjoy some form of celebration post haste.

Last night was fun as well (this paragraph could’ve had a better beginning). I was under the illusion that there was to be a large happy hour gathering at Kabin on 2nd Ave between 5th and 6th Sts. The first hour it was just Zerna and I, though I have to say it was quite enjoyable. Our group only grew to include three more people that evening. We were joined by Lauren Hlavenka, Zerna’s friend Zoey, and Andrea Palumbos. It was just the ladies an me. Isn’t it always? We had a couple of drinks at Kabin and then got a late dinner at Yaffa Café on St. Marks. It was a low key drinking night but definitely enjoyable. And so with that the Funemployment (TM Adam Starling 2005) train keeps rolling right along. Is there an end in sight? Perhaps, but until then I’ll continue to plant the seeds and metaphors for the upcoming season because when it rains it pours and maybe we’ll have a good harvest this year.

Posted in UCB, Unemployment | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Posted by evankessler on September 12, 2005

I love football. If I could, I would gay marry it. For now I’ll just settle for figuratively having sex with it every Sunday and Monday during the fall and winter until the first week in February. How do I love thee, let me count the ways. Well, I suppose I could count them later because I have a weekend to recap.

Friday was a foul temptress. I sat around most of the day accepting that fate had not chosen for me to go out that evening when I received a fateful phone call from Joe Dworkin. Joe, Eric Lieman and Suli were in town and going out in the West 50’s and I decided that I would join them. Join them I did at Bar 9 on W. 53rd and 9th, and it was a good time. We were also joined by Joe’s sister Eve, some of Eric’s friends Jessica, Nicole, Dara, and a guy who’s name I forgot from grad school. It’s always a good time when friends from the old neighborhood (Rockland County) get together. I also ran into John (Rub You The Right Way) Gill from the VH1 days and we chatted for a bit after everyone else left.

The next day was extremely lazy. I sat at home trying to write the script I was asked to put together but I was completely distracted by Madden ’06 and the Notre Dame-Michigan Game. At around 9pm I got a call from Joe for the 2nd straight evening and I met up with him, Eric, Nicole, and Jessica just like the previous night. We went to 2nd on 2nd for Joe’s friend’s brother’s birthday party. I left after an hour and a half but not before having a couple of drinks and enjoying some stellar and not so stellar karaoke performances. I didn’t do any songs because I originally only planned to stay for a half hour. I had other places to be. That being said it was a good time. Next, I made my way to Jina, Jenny, and Jaime’s 40 oz. Party down on Pitt St. on the lower east side. It was a laid back affair. Amongst the other folks making an appearance were Morwin, Dmitry, Nina, Steve Miller, Marty, and some people I’m forgetting to name. I brought 2 40’s with me and got through the High Life and most of the Colt 45. Though, I have to say, I should’ve been more drunk than I was. I suppose it’s a good thing that I wasn’t though. Being messy is bad when you’re a long walk from home. I headed out around 4am. I was eager to go to sleep so I could wake up and have it be football time. Hooray football time.

The clock struck 10:10am this morning and my eyes opened. I knew there would be no more sleep for me. The first full day of the football season was upon me and I needed to feed my appetite for pregame news and game subplots. I went out to buy a New York Post so I could get my fill of articles on the New York Giants and after I had devoured those I went right for the ESPN Gameday and feasted on that from 11 to 1pm. I wanted to watch the pre game shows on the networks but they had the 9/11 ceremonies until just before the Jets game. According to my calendar, 9/11 is listed as Grandparents’ Day and makes me thing that maybe Grandparents’ should get a new holiday because people will certainly no longer be celebrating them on September 11th. Any suggestions? Or maybe we would just make it a new day each year because Grandparents are too old and senile to remember what day it is anyway. That being said something needs to be done.

Back to football, The first round of games on TV were the Jets vs the Chiefs and the Panthers vs. the New Orleans Saints. We’ll skip the Jets game because the Jets probably played some of the worst football I’ve ever seen, but in regards to the Saints game, how could I be so stupid as to not pick the Saints to win in my office pool? I mean of course they were going to win. The announcers wouldn’t shut up about how emotional of a game it was and I just knew it was going to be the feel good story of the weekend. A team without a city wins for the city. It’s perfect. Maybe they’ll win the Super Bowl and it’ll end up as a major motion picture called “Saints Without A Home” and Jamie Foxx will play Saints Wide Receiver Joe Horn and win another Oscar. As for my office pool, you may be thinking, how can you be part of an office pool and not actually have a job? Well, thanks to Deb Miran, I’ve been allowed me to partake in the fun. Another note on pre- game festivities, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey’s version of America the Beautiful was completely horrendous. It was like they were trying to out sing each other and it made for an atrocious rendition.

As the slate of early games drew to a close my intensity level rose as I anticipated the kickoff of the New York Football Giants 2005 season. Soon after the Giants 1st drive culminated in a Jeremy Shockey touchdown I was proclaiming that I wanted to gay marry Giants rookie RB Brandon Jacobs or pick him up for my meaningless yahoo fantasy team. That love would soon fade to nervousness as the Giants lead turned to a 13-7 halftime deficit. Early in the 2nd half the Giants scored 2 quick touchdowns and the Giants did not look back coasting to a 42-19 win. I love football. I love the Giants. The saga continues next Monday as the Giants take on the emotionally upstart New Orleans Saints at Giants Stadium and I will be there. God Bless America and mostly God Bless Football.

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Things Are Looking Up

Posted by evankessler on September 9, 2005

I think with the moon in shifting into Virgo recently, things have really started to shift into my favor. Opportunity has begun knocking at my door as of this week and it’s up to me to let it in or not. As of now, I’ve cracked the door open a bit and have a wedge under the door as to prevent it from opening further but I sort of hope opportunity is strong enough to muscle it’s way past my feeble obstacle. What am I talking about? Give it some time. I need to verbally meander around the topic before I actually tackle it. Okay, perhaps I’m ready. Maybe not yet, I’m going to do it in the normal recap style.

Tuesday was marked with very little activity save for my tennis experience with Matt Wood at the Canal St. courts. I got my daily exercise by engaging in a battle over the fuzzy yellow ball with my roommate. I did quite a bit of running. I have a great amount of fondness for tennis, as it is the only sport that I have something that resembles athletic prowess in. Indeed I have been dealt a shite hand in the sphere of physical ability. When I arrived home I received a phone call from my brother who put me on the phone Franck who told me about his project, which he and a friend were producing a soap opera for a website and ask if I’d be interested in contributing. I said I was, slightly turning the knob, hinting to opportunity that I might be willing to fulfill any creative aspirations I have in this world. I have to say I was quite skeptical about this opportunity as the phone discussion confused me more than intrigued me. I was a bit nervous but nonetheless agreed to a meeting on Wednesday to discuss the project. Afterwards, I wasted time before my class by playing Madden 2006 and watching TV. I also got a smoothie. I’m completely ecstatic that they’ve opened a Jamba Juice around the corner from my apartment as I am a smoothie addict.

Tuesday’s improv class was a lot of fun. Despite fucking up a fair amount I also had some basic critiques hammered in my head that will help with any improv efforts in the long run. It’s a shame the last class is next week. I’m just starting to get really comfortable. I’m probably going to take the next class but I’d like to coordinate with my classmates. I’m still amazed that I could be in a class with this many people and like all of them. Usually, by this time I’ve judged half of the people to be douche bags, but this is quite different. I think most of the people in this group are genuinely great people. I do feel bad about one thing. After class when we were drinking I was talking to John from my class and I made a remark about not liking people who have soul patches, then I realized he had one. I felt pretty dumb and I tried to cover it up though that’s generally how I feel, in no way do I think he is a douche. I also bought a sketch comedy DVD from him that he made with two other guys from class that for the most part is pretty damn impressive. Anyway, to summarize, Tuesday was fantastic.

I woke up Wednesday thinking about my soap opera meeting. I wanted to sound intelligent and involved and more or less, not like an idiot who didn’t care. I’m sure I come off like that a lot because there’s oh so much I don’t care about. To be honest, I was completely intrigued with the possibility of working on this project though. It’s something different than what I have been doing the past few years and I thought that I might get to impress some people with my writing abilities or any abilities that I honestly do not have the utmost confidence in, despite receiving praise from friends and family. At around 4pm I met at the Visionary Ventures office to discuss the soap opera and I to be honest I came away feeling good, like maybe this is the opportunity I had been looking for. Oh actually perhaps I should rewind a little bit. Before I attending this meeting I received a call about a job interview for MTV Tempo, which is their new Caribbean network and I set up an interview at 10:30am on Thursday. Okay, now where were we. That’s right, soap operas and feeling good about it. Actually I think I said all I have to say about that. I’m actually in the middle of trying to write it. Wish me luck.

Wednesday was not all about meetings and opportunities though. Wednesday also had some fun intertwined. I met Arby and Janet Turley outside of Irving Plaza at 8pm for the Idlewild show. For those of you who don’t know, Idlewild is one of my favorite bands of the past 5 or 6 years. They’ve been around a bit longer but I’ve only known of them since 2000 when I was a Capitol Records rep at Syracuse. A little note about my walk over to Irving Plaza; I was walking by a church on Broadway and 9th (I think) and a Spanish couple (I think) did the spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch routine. It made me wonder, do all Catholics have to do that every time they pass a church? Can someone confirm or deny this for me?

Anyway, the three of us met up and got drinks pre-show at Revival on 15th street. We ran into Rich’s old boss Bruce and had drinks with him in the garden outside. We like the drink. At around 9:40 we headed to Irving and caught Idlewild’s opener Inara George who was pretty bad. We were not moved to buy her album. Idlewild came on around 11pm and really just put on an all out rocking show. It started off a little slow but definitely picked up towards the end with the last 7 or so songs being the highlight. I’m a sucker for the early stuff. In the last 7 or 8 songs they pulled out my three favorite songs from their 1st major release, 1998’s Hope Is Important. The one time frame in the show I can pick out as a personal favorite was when they played “When I Argue I See Shapes” (though I was a little disappointed no one shouted out the word ‘Shapes’ like they do on the album) followed by “The Bronze Medal” off of 100 Broken Windows which is probably one of my favorite songs of theirs. While I loved hearing older songs, the new ones did not disappoint. “El Capitan” and “Love Steals Us From Loneliness” were absolutely perfect. “As If I Hadn’t Slept” was also given extra meaning as lead singer Roddy Woomble explained how it was about bars in New York City, and that it didn’t portray them in a positive light. The first encore was surprising as well. They played a song I had never heard from an album that I believe was only released in Scotland back in ’97 and they finished the show with “A Film For The Future” which really felt almost too upbeat to end the show on. It felt like it should have led to one of the slower songs ending the show. Maybe I just wanted them to play every one of their songs because they’re all excellent. I probably wouldn’t have been satisfied without that. Either way, I love Idlewild and you should too. Go buy all of their albums. After the show Rich and I went back to revival and had two beers. We watched the last set of the Agassi-Blake U.S. Open match, which was phenomenal. I haven’t seen tennis that exciting in a long time.

I woke up early this morning for my MTV Tempo interview at 10:30am. I can’t believe I was up that early. Other than during my Costa Rica vacation, I don’t think I’ve woken up that early in 3 months. That being said, I actually enjoyed starting my day off early. Despite a painfully slow train ride to 50th street I made my interview on time and was of the opinion that it went very well. Afterwards, I stopped by the VH1 floor as my interview was in the same building and said hello to the folks down there. The rest of my day was spent preparing for my big Thursday evening. What was so big about Thursday evening you ask? FOOTBALL!!! The first game of the NFL season was this past evening. Man, was I excited. I live for this stuff. Before I did that there was an obstacle, though not a huge one. My brother had some photos at a gallery on Broadway and the opening was this evening. He told me he’d be there around 7pm so I showed up at 7. He wasn’t there yet, but I walked around anyway. The gallery was crowded with artsy fashion-y society type peoples around whom I immediately felt uncomfortable. My brother wasn’t there either and everyone else seemed to know each other. After 15 minutes of picture browsing I took off because there was so little room to move and I felt really odd being there alone. Directly after, I met up with Sean Maddison and we headed up to the Upper East Side to meet his friends, drink some beer, and watch some football at a bar. We ended up going to two bars whose names I can’t recall. It was a good time. Unfortunately for Sean his Oakland Raiders lost to the New England Patriots. Nonetheless, Football is here. There will be much rejoicing. Things are looking up this fall.

Idlewild @ Irving Plaza 09/07/05
Too Long Awake You Held The World In Your Arms Tonight Little Discourage Welcome Home Love Steals Us From Loneliness A Modern Way Of Letting Go These Wooden Ideas As If I Hadn’t Slept El Capitan American English The Space Between All Things I Understand It When I Argue I See Shapes The Bronze Medal Live In A Hiding Place I’m A Message —————– Self Healer Roseability A Film For The Future

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Mayoral Aspirations

Posted by evankessler on September 1, 2005

After three months of unemployment I’ve decided that perhaps finding an honest hard working job does not suit me and that maybe I should set my sights a little higher. That is why right here, right now I’m throwing my proverbial hat into the ring. I, Evan Jeremy Kessler am announcing my candidacy for New York City Mayor. Nevermind the fact that I have no idea what the qualifications for eligibility are, I’m eschewing convention and guidelines to say that if you live in New York City, I would like to be your Mayor.

I know I don’t have any experience in Government save for my Presidency of Mrs. Hutt’s class in 1st Grade, my tenure as Secretary of the Social Studies Honor Society in my Senior year at Ramapo High School, and my appointment as Major of the blue team in 1995 colorwar at Camp Westmont, but that’s exactly where my appeal as a candidate lies. I’m an outsider in Government and who better than some fresh blood that hasn’t been jaded by the political process, to come in and shake things up. In fact, my campaign song is going to be “Shake It Up” by the Cars. I once saw Ric Ocasek walking in Union Square. How New York is that?

Before you get to the question of what my platform as mayor is, let me tell you. It’s quite the alphabetical process. I’m calling my platform my plan to eliminate (not elimidate) the 4 P’s: Pigeons, Poverty, Property Taxes (or at least lower them) and Pedophilia. Now I think that’s something all New Yorkers can get behind. There’s some lesser P’s as well. I’d like to see the proliferation of park preservation but that’s not something I would want to eliminate. Anyway, first things first below are my official stances on the key elements of my plan.

Here’s my stance on Pigeons as written in a previous entry and you can print this in your precious papers: “Pigeons are the absolute bane of my existence. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve blatantly flinched for fear that one would collide with me. It’s gotten to the point that I flinch upon sight of one. It wouldn’t bother me one bit if someone in New York just came outside with a gun and started shooting pigeons. You know, as long as I was assured no people would get hurt or if it was assured that the only people that did get picked off were complete douchebags”

On Poverty: Poverty is bad. We should raise the minimum wage and raise taxes on the rich and lower them for the middle class and poor. Furthermore we should create more low cost housing instead of knocking down housing to build expensive stadiums for teams that wear green football uniforms. Also, by improving educational standards and acilities we can win the battle against poverty.

On Property Taxes: People hate taxes. Let’s lower them for poorer people but raise them for people like Trump and other really wealthy people.

On Pedophilia: I don’t really think we need to expand on this. Keep your kids away from the Neverland Ranch and from questionable members of the Catholic Church. Also, don’t let your kids go to that bike shop that Gordon Jump tried to molest Arnold and Dudley at.

So that’s my stance on the 4 P’s. The reason I say my plan is an alphabetical process is that once we’re done with the 4 P’s we move on to the Q’s which specifically tackles Queens, and then we move on to R , which has some toughies like Rape, Racism, and Railroads.

It’s all a very scientific approach. Most mayors when they take office operate under the assumption that they can change everything. My plan operates under the assumption that you can’t change everything overnight, but you have to start somewhere and that somewhere is the letter P. When my 4 years are up I hope we can make it to the letter V. I think there’s a lot of stuff in S that might hold us up, not to mention that pesky Terrorism word in the T section.

In conclusion, when you vote for Mayor, vote for Evan J. Kessler (I’m thinking of making the J stand for Jefferson). Improving our city one letter at a time.

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