Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

G is for Guttenburg

Posted by evankessler on March 14, 2005

I think I’ve been a little unhealthily obsessed with Steve Guttenburg as of late after last months poll question but it seems as though all of the HBO’s have been Guttenberg themed lately. As I flipped through all of my HBO’s today I came across the first Police Academy, on HBO-Z which features SG at his youthful finest as he engages in various hyjinx in an attempt to get kicked out of the Police Academy. Did I sit through the entire film? You bet your ass I did.
After Police Academy ended I was flipping through my HBO channels once more hoping to find some more engaging cinematic masterpieces, and what did I come across? Any clue? Short Circuit on HBO-F, and I had only missed about 5 to 10 minutes, which had overlapped with Police Academy. It was almost as if I had hit some sort of 80’s movie jackpot that rewarded me with a Steve Guttenburg- G.W. Bailey Marathon. (Capt. Harris also appears in Short Circuit). Before I was watching those movies I caught a bit of The Goonies as well but that movie doesn’t boast either of the aforementioned actors. I think HBO should just save us some time and come out with HBO-G, all Guttenburg all of the time. We could have Police Academy 1-4 and Cocoon 1 and 2,. Three Men and A Baby is also prime Guttenburg and also features Ted Danson and Tom Selleck in fine form. I’ve even come across Three Men And A Little Lady flipping through the HBOs this month. We could include that for good measure. If programming gets a little repetitive we could always spice things up with It Takes Two, where Mr. Moveable Type plays proud papa to one of the two preteen Olsen Twins. I think he directed some movies too that could also be thrown in there. The ratings for HBO-G will be huge. Finally one of the 80’s biggest stars will get the credit he deserves.
Okay, that was a mouthful or page full on the SG, now let’s move on to weekend recapitulation. Friday night was all about the poker. Well, poker and drinking. I played a little poker with Deb Miran, Jess, Sabin, Adam Starling, Anna Mikelson and Rob DeGrezia amongst others. We each put $20 in and I think I was the 3rd or 4th to lose it all. No big deal though, it was fun while the money lasted. Afterwards, I went with Anna and Jess to meet Kim Rowe at a divey Irish Pub on 19th st., where I put on songs I didn’t get to hear because we left after one beer. We then went to another bar a couple of blocks away where they had a pretty awful jukebox but I managed to find 5 good songs for my $2 there. We were later by everyone else from the poker game and Bryan Hacken from work. It was then I overheard some of the people Bryan and Jess were talking to that they both knew. I heard the name “bauer”. I looked at the kid and just thought, “He kind of looks familiar.” It turns out that this kid was my brother’s camper in 1993 or something. I remember seeing this kid when he was 10 and now he was 21. It was extremely bizarre. Anyway, I have no idea what time I left the bar but it was fun and I was drunk. That’s the end of that story.

Jess Sabin and Anna Mikelson at whatever bar we were at on Friday.

When I woke up the next morning I was definitely aware of the alcohol I had drank the previous evening. I sat on the couch hoping to find something entertaining enough to watch until I had to get a haircut at 2pm. I don’t remember what I watched so it obviously wasn’t that entertaining. I don’t think that was important enough to write about. Anyway, I got a haircut and was reminded of the reason I can never go to a barbershop. It’s all about the shampooing. There’s nothing pleasant about an old Italian guy ripping through your hair with a comb after he’s spritzed you with one of those spray bottles to get your hair wet. There’s something so relaxing about having someone shampoo your hair and the way this girl washed my hair was the most relaxing thing ever. She even massaged my temples and my neck. It was a little odd but enjoyable.

After my haircut I called Sarah Fleischmann. We had had plans for brunch but I forgot that I had a haircut so I originally bailed on our plans but when I called her she hadn’t eaten yet so we went to our usual brunch place, The Grey Dog’s Coffee. I also tried to meet Vanessa White Wolf there at the same time to have a lunch foursome but when we got there they wouldn’t seat us next to her. Sarah and I sat next to a girl that really annoyed us. She wasn’t really doing anything so bad to us, it was her complete lack of common sense and respect for her animal that she had brought with her in a tote bag. She put the dog in the tote bag on the bench next to us. First the dog got out and started to sniff Sarah’s food. She put the dog back in the tote bag and put it under the table. Every time the dog tried to get out she would yell at it as if it were unnatural for the dog to not want to be in the tote bag. People, just because you want to go somewhere doesn’t mean your dog wants to go with you. Leave your dog at home if you’re just going to carry it around in a bag. And if you dare use the logic that the dog likes the bag, consider what it would be like being shoved into a bag and carried around unwillingly by someone 25 times your size. Then tell me your dog likes the bag. The same girl then went on to give relationship advice with her friend to the people on The O.C. as if they were real people. “If I were Summer’s friend I would tell her to get back with that guy…,” Get the picture? These people are fictional characters. You shouldn’t worry where there relationship is going, just sit back and enjoy the show. That’s why the show has writers and you’re not one of t hem.

Anyway, afterwards Sarah and I went back to my apartment and watched TV on the couch. Sarah left around 5:30 and I was sleepy and watched TV the rest of the night including the Big East championship which was won by Syracuse. Sweet. The NCAA tournament starts this week. Ladies and Gentlemen, get your tournament brackets ready.

Today before the Guttenberg- G.W. Bailey marathon I had brunch with the family at Kitchenette in Tribeca. The food was excellent and I highly recommend it. You know the rest of how my Sunday went. Okay, it’s time to catch the new South Park episode I missed. Happy new week.

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