Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

Let’s Protest!!!

Posted by evankessler on November 12, 2004


Before I get to the the meaning of the title of this email, I guess I’ll give you a little background info on my day today though I know it isn’t always absolutely necessary. So here’s a brief synopsis. Work time was spent in meetings and watching the 1976 version of Freaky Friday starring Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris. Barbara Harris was definitely hot back then though I don’t really know what else she’s been in. Jodie Foster was an awkward teenage Tomboy and she’s pretty much the same now, but at least she turned into a great actress and director in spite of Freaky Friday. It was extremely painful. My producer Stacy and I were grimacing in pain the entire movie. How long can you pull off the “I’m a mom trapped in my daughters body and vice versa” bit without it actually leading to something else? The movie carried on like that for about an hour and 40 minutes until finally getting somewhere with it and then it ended. It was brutal.

On the topic of horrible movies I’m proposing not only a boycott of the film National Treasure, but also a protest of an awful movie premise. The premise of the film is that there was a treasure map on the Declaration of Independence. Now, I’m all for the suspension of disbelief in good action/adventure movies, but let’s face it, I will not for one second pretend that there ever could have been a hidden treasure map on the Declaration of Independence. It sounds like a premise some guy who had a meeting with producers just pulled out of his ass at a meeting he was unprepared for. Here’s how I imagine the meeting went.

Producer: So what’ve you got for us? This better be good.

Screenwriters: Umm… (glancing at his blatant rip off of a She’s All That, Can’t Buy Me Love romantic comedy pitch) ummmm……

Producer: Well, I hope you’re not wasting our time son….

Screenwriter: Okay, so there’s this movie about this guy….

Producer: I’m with you so far….

Screenwriter: And he’s searching for a clue….

Producer: What kind of clue? Like a clue to find something?

Screenwriter: Yeah….a clue to find something….

Producer: To find what? You’ve got to hurry up. My time is precious.

Screenwriter: He searching for a clue for the treasure…

Producer: So it’s like a Pirate movie.

Screenwriter: Um, no, um….he has a treasure map, but he doesn’t have it.

Producer: Why doesn’t he have it?

Screenwriter: Because it’s (internal monologue: think quick asshole!) because it’s on the back of the Declaration of Independence.

Producer: What?

Screenwriter: Yeah, ummm…when he….when he… when Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration, see…there was a treasure map on the back…

Producer: So it’s based on a true story?

Screenwriter: Um, no. I made that part up.

Producer: Oh brilliant! I see, so he has to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Screenwriter: ummm…. Yeah. I guess.

Producer: I like it. So it’s like a heist movie and a treasure hunt movie. The Thomas Crown Affair mixed with Indiana Jones. Call Jerry Bruckheimer and see if we can attach Nicholas Cage, pronto!!! We’ve got a shitty movie to churn out for lots of money. You’re going to go far in this business son.

END SCENE

Just don’t go

Hence the dumbest looking movie of the season is made. I propose that when any movie this dumb comes out, we gather a group together to protest its release and subsequent showings. Imagine picketing in front of the movie theater for this great cause. Furthermore we must try to convince the idiots who were on their way to see it, to go see something else. We cannot tolerate this sort of idiocy. Jerry Bruckheimer must be stopped from making movies and entertaining throngs of unsuspecting retards. I mean, I know I shouldn’t care what tons of morons are going to see but I also do not want to be subject to even the most accidental viewing of the stupid Jerry Bruckheimer film trailers. Anyway, all of this anger was brought on by seeing that stupid trailer and Nicholas Cage’s guest appearance on the tonight show. I just had to vent a little. Okay, I’m going to steal the Articles of Confederation and look for some gold so I can get me some dead presidents.

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