Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

7/19/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Mike H

Posted by evankessler on July 20, 2004

Mike gives a half ass Macauley Culkin impression.

So here’s the skinny on Mike H. He’s an Associate Producer on VH1’s I Love The 90’s. He’s 24 years old and he’s a former College Basketball player who led his conference in scoring until he blew his knee out. Ok, so I made that last bit up. Mike is currently growing a mustache for no apparent reason other than he thinks its funny and depending on who you talk to, to guarantee that he doesn’t get laid. Other than that he’s a swell guy. Just a little fair warning on this interview, some of the material may not be suitable for the fragile mind. I have to admit though, it is not one of my best interviews, not because of the interviewee. I sort of started the interview then realized I wasn’t in the mood to do an interview but then sort of kept at it. And I never got to ask the pivotal questions of how evankessler.com had changed the subject’s life. Oh well, que ser sera. So without further ado, the evankessler.com interview of Mike Haigh.

Evan Kessler: Penny for your thoughts?

Mike H: babies taste delicious

EK: So when did you first discover your cannibalistic tendencies?

MH: when i used to suck my thumb as a baby, the taste never really left my mouth, even as i grew older..

MH: mmm baby

EK: I could see how that’s possible. I still pick my nose and eat it, but never really developed the taste for the nasal waste of others

MH: yeah, everybody loves the taste of their own brand, but there’s just something about a baby that isn’t related.

EK: Where do you hunt your prey?

on weekends i’m a NY certified daycare worker. It’s really much easier than you’d expect. I also lived in NJ for a while and was a foster parent, they have a very lax foster parenting department.

EK: Is there always room for Jell-O?

MH: don’t you know it! unless you do your shopping with one of those carry around baskets, and the jello is the last thing you go for, and you’ve already picked up a lot of stuff. Then there isn’t usually enough room for Jello-O.

MH: boxes are bulky

EK: Wouldn’t that contradict the slogan though?

MH: ah, i see you’re thinking outside the box. way to go. Don’t be fooled by Madison Avenue

EK: I just spilled water on my pants how do you think that will effect me in the coming minutes?

MH: you may feel damp and uncomfortable for a short period of time. But will pass, and you’ll be back to being your dry and uncomfortable self

MH: but that’s why i tolerate you. you’re dry like the sahara

EK: I’m sort of hoping I don’t get ridiculed for urinating on myself. I heard you still wet the bed constantly, is this true?

MH: Ah, i see you’ve been talking to Stacey. Don’t ever trust stacey with secrets that might ruin your street cred.

MH: let’s just say i really like the feel of rubber sheets

EK: Stacey who?

MH: a girl i know

MH: you’ve probably met her.

EK: oh, i thought you were referring to #81 Stacey Robinson former Wide Receiver for the New York Giants

MH: i don’t follow soccer. sorry.

EK: What’s your favorite Air Supply song?

MH: i don’t believe in Air Supply. Actually i can’t think of any their songs right now

EK: They’re the same as Chicago, What’s your favorite Chicago song?

MH: the one about the hotel in california that the Eagles sing

EK: This interview is falling flat, pretend you’re jesus and resurrect it.

i’m drinking Crunk right now. it’s really good. and i don’t use the word really often

EK: I’m sensing this is a fraudulent interview

(It was at this point that I thought Mike was having someone else answer my questions, but I was soon proven wrong and rescinded the accusation).

MH: i can turn the vowels “a” and “i” into wine and bread. You bring the cheese and we’ll have a Viva la France party

EK: strike that last remark

MH: http://www.evankessler.com is the premier blogspot on the internet. and you can take that to the bank!

EK: You’ve got that right.

MH: i spelled premiere wrong though didn’t I

EK: Back to the word crunk, what other words should be used more often?

EK: My vote is for Bangladesh

MH: mustache, inebriated, mozzarepa, zing, buffoon, baboon, and the spanish word for pencil sharpener – sacapunta

EK: If we could sort of work that into a verb

EK: Okay, here’s a fun game, I’m going to say something in spanish, you give me your first response, ready?


EK: Estoy Sorprendido!

MH: I am a serpent!

EK: You could be

EK: I can’t see you

MH: if I tried hard enough

EK: I’m bored

MH: dance a jig

MH: I always find that makes me less bored

EK: I think I’m just going to pour the rest of the water on my pants and call it a day

MH: or if we were in the world of nintendo dancing a jig would make you wa-bored

MH: sounds like a plan

MH: just like wario is the opposite of mario, wa-bored is the opposite of bored

EK: Thank you for participating in the http://www.evankessler.com where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on that they are in fact being interviewed

i love you

EK: I’m not so crazy about you but I’ll return the sentiment anyway

EK: I Love You more!!!

i’m blushing and my pants just got really tight

EK: Good day sir.

MH: good day to you

EK: That was so-so. I may or may not use it.

MH: you better. it was gold


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