Evan Kessler Dot Com

The Home of the Brave

06/23/04 Guerrilla Interview Subject: Lauren H

Posted by evankessler on June 24, 2004

Lauren carries some dude on her back.

Lauren H is a fiery redheaded lass who attended the University of Texas- Austin,
whom I met at my friend Rich M’s parties when he first started having parties in the city.
We became friendly immediately despite all of my desperate advances towards her. I’m not really sure what she does for a living. I’m sure she’s told me and I’m sure it involves things. This interview was done over email so it wasn’t really as quick moving as the previous, but that’s not my fault. Email is infinitely slower than IM and it also reveals who is sending you a message so my cover was not well disguised. In fact, it was not disguised at all. So without further ado, the second installment of The EvanKessler.com Guerrilla interview.

Evan: Why do you do it?

Lauren: I have to. I must. I am compelled by my love of all things composed of matter.

Evan: What do you think I’m referring to when I say “it”?

Lauren:
Not that it matters, but I thought you were referring to why I’m so cool.

Evan: I don’t think “it” can refer to why one person is so cool. I didn’t use it in a phrase like What is your “it” factor?”

Lauren: I would apologize, but I think that question was open to thousands of interpretations.

(several minutes pass)

Lauren: Is this the part where you wait for me to say something? Or is it my turn to ask the questions here?

Evan: No, I still have the floor. So, when you said to me on New Year’s Eve, “Evan, IT’ll never happen”. What was the “it” you were referring to?

Lauren: I believe I was referring to stripping my clothes off for your video camera, but I could be wrong.

Evan: So am I to assume that every time I hear the word “it” that “it” means stripping the clothes off in my video?

Lauren: No.

What “It” may have meant.

Evan: Phew! That was a close one. I thought I was going to have to stop saying the word “it” altogether. While we’re at it, are there any words you think I should refrain from using altogether?

Lauren: Personally, I hate the word ‘agro’. Don’t use it.

Evan: Don’t worry I wasn’t really planning on it. But unless you agree to not use Snoop Dogg language I may bombard you with more “agro” than you can handle.

Lauren: You’re safe with me. I couldn’t use Snoop Dogg language if i tried.

Evan: Good, so what makes Lauren H tick?

Lauren: I would love to tell you that it’s a complex network of veins and arteries powered by a system that converts food into caloric energy, but I would be lying.

Evan: Right, because those are things that human beings have… And you are a what exactly?

Lauren: I am, admittedly human, but I would say that there are other things
besides the physical stuff that makes me tick.

Evan: Sorry that was a little mean. How do you feel about Evan Kessler?

Lauren: I like Evan kessler. He’s swell. I’m lucky to have met him.

Evan: Well I’m very flattered, sorry about referring to myself in third person but I had to get an honest answer as though it seemed I was not asking the question.

Evan: Interpret the following lyric: “One of us is a cigar stand and one of us is a lovely blue incandescent guillotine.”

Lauren: Hmmm….Bill talking to Monica?

Evan: Interesting theory, but no. Would you say this interview is going nowhere fast?

Lauren: Nowhere slow is more like it. When did we start this? Like 16 hours ago?

Evan: Probably about 4 hours ago, but its meant to have the appearance of a rapid fire interview.I guess email correspondence isn’t the best way to do this.

Lauren: Let’s try courier pigeons next time.

Evan: I think I might just send telegrams. No one does that anymore.
How has EvanKessler.com changed your life?

Lauren: It has filled my life with laughter and joy.

Evan: And Finally, where do you see yourself in 5 years? And where is Evan Kessler in this picture? Is he next to you, Behind you, way in the background, A little to the left, A little to the right, or just completely out of the picture?

Lauren:
In five years I might still be doing this interview.and Evan Kessler is all around me, a floating around head in cyber space.

Evan: Well, you have simply been a delight to converse with. Thank you for your patience in taking part in the EvanKessler.com Guerrilla Interview, Where the unsuspecting start suspecting early on in the conversation that they are in fact, being interviewed.

Lauren: Anytime, baby, anytime.

THE END

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