The Modest Beginnings of a Great Orator

Getting a reputation as a great orator is as simple as making but a few memorable speeches. While my reputation for delivering inspirational speeches to crowds of people who would go onto lead/leave nations has long since been earned thanks to inspiring gems like the “Let’s go to the food court” speech at Nanuet Mall in 1992, the “I had a crazy dream last night” address at the Sadler Dining Hall  circa 1998, and the “Internships Are Important” monologue delivered before an enrapt class of Seniors at Mepham High School in the late winter of 2011, the fact remains that all elocution and bombast-related  legend must have it’s point of origin. Recently, I stumbled upon mine own.

Thumbing through the contents of the bedroom drawer in my childhood home, I came upon the first speech I ever delivered to a captive audience. Indeed there was something presidential about it, as it helped me to get elected to the highest political office in Mrs. Hutt’s 1st Grade Class at Lime Kiln Elementary School.  Below are its cherished contents:

"Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down That Wall!"

While my core values from that period have remained in tact, I more freely associate the regulatory policies discouraging the running in the classroom and throwing of paper airplanes with the Democratic Party instead of the Republican Party– which is listed above as my affiliation circa 1985. Regardless of which party line I was towing, it goes without saying that my rousing speech and campaign platform listed above, along with the slogan “Kess is Best,” afforded me a landslide victory in the election and helped mold me into the successful person I am today.

Hillary and Sarah’s Starbucks Summit

On this weekend’s broadcast of NBC’s Meet The Press, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told host David Gregory that she’d find the prospect of sitting down with Sarah Palin over a hot cuppa joe “very interesting.”  All of this hullabaloo stems from a passage in the former VP hopeful’s book “Going Rogue” where the hockey mom intimates that if the two ever did sit down for some java they would “fundamentally disagree on many issues.”

While that assessment is probably an understatement, we think these two ladies could stand to learn a lot from one another.  We’re not sure if this Starbucks Summit will ever take place, but we have a few ideas about what might come up should these two very different female heads of state ever sip together in or out of the political realm:

1. Geography- Ms. Palin knows where Russia is and now has even seen parts of Asia. That’s a lot of foreign soil. However, as a former first lady and current Secretary of State, we think Hillary can help school Sarah on world capitals and foreign leaders that she can’t see from her porch.

2. Hockey- As a self-professed Hockey Mom, Ms. Palin sure knows her way around the rink. SP could explain to Hillary why after the 2004-2005 NHL lockout the league’s decision to abolish the two-line pass rule and institute overtime shootouts were pivotal to the survival of the “coolest game on earth.”

3. Raising Daughters- Both of these women know what it’s like to have a little girl as the apple of their eye. Both had obviously different approaches to raising them and teaching them the birds and the bees. Palin went with the celibacy-only option and based on the activity of Hillary’s husband, that was never an option. Funnily enough, these approaches turned out opposite of what you’d expect. I’m sure they’ll laugh and laugh over this one.

4. Being Overshadowed By Successful Husbands-
Sarah: It’s hard to be the well-liked female governor of Alaska when your husband is a champion snow machine racer that everyone loves and respects.
Hillary: Tell me about it. My husband was President of the United States.  That’s like the champion snow machine racer of politics.

5. Folksiness- Many perceive Hillary Clinton the necessary “cold bitch” ideal for diplomacy.  Ms. Palin might recommend dropping some of her g’s in order to achieve folksy charm, which in turn could help disarm Iran’s leaders and their military.

There’s probably plenty more common ground we’re not thinking of, like where to buy the best feminine power suits or the best firearm to use from your helicopter, but until Starbucks Summit actually happens, all we here at OneRiot can do is speculate.

Related Articles

• Hillary Clinton Laughs Off President Palin Question (bettyconfidential.com)
• DRESSING ROOM: Hillary Clinton, trend-setter? (politico.com)
• Palin raises gender ‘double standard’ (politico.com)
• Sarah Sands: Men are being wrongfooted by the new feminists (independent.co.uk)
• Palin gets this one right: P J Crowley should be fired (nowpublic.com)

Shatner Speaks the Truth for Alaska

Image via Wikipedia

In every era there is a man for all times; a man whose artistry,integrity, and way with the spoken word mesmerizes those who he comes into contact with. For this time, right here, right now, that man is none other than Captain James Tiberius Kirk, himself– Mr. William Shatner.

Last night on the The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, the septagenarian starfleet commander helped make sense of what we referred to yesterday as a “rambling, incoherent speech” by former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. What had once been an aimless collection of meandering thoughts–when first uttered by their original speaker– were suddenly transformed into a flourishing garden of ideas and expressions, as Mr. Shatner grabbed a hold of them and made them his own…forever. In our mind Sarah Palin never gave a farewell speech, but William Shatner did recite a beautiful poem.

Related Articles

• William Shatner Sings F**k You on Lopez Tonight (laughingsquid.com)
• Parting Tweet: William Shatner Has A BFF (crushable.com)
• William Shatner “Sings” Cee Lo’s “Fuck You” (collider.com)
• The 10 wackiest Conan O’Brien interviews ever (cnn.com)
• Sarah Palin’s Controversial Political Views (CHART) (huffingtonpost.com)
• ‘Star Trek’ Star William Shatner Flips the Bird at Conan O’Brien (buddytv.com)
• William Shatner Doesn’t Need Your Damn Cameo Role! [Icons] (gawker.com)
• Ashley Ellis Interviewed on William Shatner’s “Moving America Forward” (prweb.com)
• Aaron Sorkin: Aaron Sorkin: Palin Killing Animals For Fun (huffingtonpost.com)

Palin Bids Alaskan Responsibilities Adieu

Fans of the political process from sea to shining sea got a big boost of confidence Sunday when Sarah Palin formally stepped down as Alaska Governor. In traditional gubernatorial fashion, the former head of the Alaskan state, showed she was one of the greats, by accepting no responsibility for any of the misfortune and scandal that befell during her abbreviated reign as its supreme leader– most notably the negative attention she and her family garnered as John McCain‘s running mate in the 2008 Presidential election.

In one of her trademark rambling, incoherent speeches,Palin railed against obvious foes such as “the media” who so infamously engaged in their “gotcha journalism” when Palin repeatedly made it obvious that she knew precious few details about government at the federal level, (and god only knows the state level) while being asked simple questions that most people that might be in the position to run the country should be able to answer.

The media wasn’t the only one to blame for Palin’s more than numerous ethical transgressions and personal embarrassments.  SP also hung the heavy burden of her own failure to not engage in scandalous activity on the dainty shoulders of “Hollywood starlets” who “rail against gun rights.” Palin was most likely referring to Ashley Judd who raised a stink when the knowledge arose that the governor had engaged in the inhumane act of aerial wolf hunting.  The ex-governor cited those with Judd-like characteristics as tools of “anti-hunting, anti-Second Amendment circuses from Hollywood.”  Ironically, if the governor had ever seen any Ashley Judd movie she’d know that 50 percent of them end with Ashley gunning down an ex-husband who wronged her.  She went on to justify her gun happy ways with the new motto for her line of fox jerky snacks, “We eat therefore, we hunt.”

Much to the equal delight and chagrin of her Alaskan constituents, Palin promised to continue “charting a new course to advance this state,” one that can most likely only be carried out only from the backrooms of Wasilla bars by an elite force of Snow Machine racers more powerful in scope than a thousand governors.

In closing, what a long strange trip its been for the people of the Alaska, the United States and this sprightly, yet offensively
conservative point guard from Wasilla.  We’re going to miss all of your antics and your gee whiz, you betcha attitude.  The Joe six-packs and plumbers showing their cracks are going to miss your down home style of politickin’ straight talk.

Sarah Palin you’ve served as a model of ineptitude the likes of which haven’t been seen since Dan Quayle helped out with an elementary school spelling bee. When kids see the former governor of Alaska, they’ll see a role model that says, when the going gets tough and you’re really not qualified to deal with it–step down. It’s been refreshing and nauseating all at the same
time.

While we don’t think this is completely the end of the line for the Palin news cycle, we could all use a rest for a while.  Oh well, we hope to see Mrs. Palin on the Republican ticket in 2012, if just for the wealth of material she’ll provide.

Related Articles

• Palin will run for President if she feels she has the ‘best shot’ (capitolhillblue.com)
• Palin eyes run for president if she has ‘best shot’ (alternet.org)
• Palin hits back at Judd (politico.com)
• Bonnie Fuller: Sarah Palin Claims She Hunts to Feed Her Family but Her Trip Cost $42,400! (huffingtonpost.com)
• Video: Kate Gosselin Makes Sarah Palin Look Positively Presidential (crushable.com)

Do You Like Ice Cream?

Mayoral Aspirations

After three months of unemployment I’ve decided that perhaps finding an honest hard working job does not suit me and that maybe I should set my sights a little higher. That is why right here, right now I’m throwing my proverbial hat into the ring. I, Evan Jeremy Kessler am announcing my candidacy for New York City Mayor. Nevermind the fact that I have no idea what the qualifications for eligibility are, I’m eschewing convention and guidelines to say that if you live in New York City, I would like to be your Mayor.

I know I don’t have any experience in Government save for my Presidency of Mrs. Hutt’s class in 1st Grade, my tenure as Secretary of the Social Studies Honor Society in my Senior year at Ramapo High School, and my appointment as Major of the blue team in 1995 colorwar at Camp Westmont, but that’s exactly where my appeal as a candidate lies. I’m an outsider in Government and who better than some fresh blood that hasn’t been jaded by the political process, to come in and shake things up. In fact, my campaign song is going to be “Shake It Up” by the Cars. I once saw Ric Ocasek walking in Union Square. How New York is that?

Before you get to the question of what my platform as mayor is, let me tell you. It’s quite the alphabetical process. I’m calling my platform my plan to eliminate (not elimidate) the 4 P’s: Pigeons, Poverty, Property Taxes (or at least lower them) and Pedophilia. Now I think that’s something all New Yorkers can get behind. There’s some lesser P’s as well. I’d like to see the proliferation of park preservation but that’s not something I would want to eliminate. Anyway, first things first below are my official stances on the key elements of my plan.

Here’s my stance on Pigeons as written in a previous entry and you can print this in your precious papers: “Pigeons are the absolute bane of my existence. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve blatantly flinched for fear that one would collide with me. It’s gotten to the point that I flinch upon sight of one. It wouldn’t bother me one bit if someone in New York just came outside with a gun and started shooting pigeons. You know, as long as I was assured no people would get hurt or if it was assured that the only people that did get picked off were complete douchebags”

On Poverty: Poverty is bad. We should raise the minimum wage and raise taxes on the rich and lower them for the middle class and poor. Furthermore we should create more low cost housing instead of knocking down housing to build expensive stadiums for teams that wear green football uniforms. Also, by improving educational standards and acilities we can win the battle against poverty.

On Property Taxes: People hate taxes. Let’s lower them for poorer people but raise them for people like Trump and other really wealthy people.

On Pedophilia: I don’t really think we need to expand on this. Keep your kids away from the Neverland Ranch and from questionable members of the Catholic Church. Also, don’t let your kids go to that bike shop that Gordon Jump tried to molest Arnold and Dudley at.

So that’s my stance on the 4 P’s. The reason I say my plan is an alphabetical process is that once we’re done with the 4 P’s we move on to the Q’s which specifically tackles Queens, and then we move on to R , which has some toughies like Rape, Racism, and Railroads.

It’s all a very scientific approach. Most mayors when they take office operate under the assumption that they can change everything. My plan operates under the assumption that you can’t change everything overnight, but you have to start somewhere and that somewhere is the letter P. When my 4 years are up I hope we can make it to the letter V. I think there’s a lot of stuff in S that might hold us up, not to mention that pesky Terrorism word in the T section.

In conclusion, when you vote for Mayor, vote for Evan J. Kessler (I’m thinking of making the J stand for Jefferson). Improving our city one letter at a time.

1st Grade Injustice

It has just become apparent to me that I do my clearest thinking in the shower. I don’t even mean to do it. It just sort of pops up and my brain starts working overtime. So god forbid anyone ever gets in the shower with me, you could probably have one hell of a conversation.

That being said, you may be thinking, how many things can you think about during 5-10 minute period it takes to shower. It may surprise you but, plenty. It’s all part of being a professional zoner outer.

This particular morning I was focused on a particular Friendster message I received this weekend. It was from the 1st girl I ever had a crush on in 1st grade. Not that she knows this but she may now. The funniest thing about the email was its title. “Mrs. H***’s Rules of the Rug”. I bleeped out the name to protect my first grade teacher although I’m not sure this is necessary. The reason this is funny is because I was talking about this very topic a couple of weeks ago.

In 1st grade, I was elected Class President and my only real presidential duty was to “keep the Haitian kids on the rug during indoor recess.” Let that sink in for a few seconds.

Wow. Now you can think…”How racist is this country?” It’s not like I was such a willing participant, but when you’re 6-years old and your teacher tells you that it’s your job as the President of her class to “keep the Haitians on the rug,” you sort of dutifully accept because you don’t really know any better.

This was the worst job in the world and my Vice President Mikey never helped me. Kids don’t want to be told to stay on a rug during recess, especially by a little white kid who can’t even speak your language. I was hoping some greater responsibility and purpose would eventually come from being President, but I was to be sorely disappointed. However, I’m still extremely disturbed that this was somewhat socially acceptable at any time. I know prior to the civil rights movement this may have seemed normal but this was 1985.

Anyway, time to go to work. Maybe I will expand on this later. Shower time is thinking time but I may expand on this later because I feel like there’s more to be discussed.