After three months of unemployment I’ve decided that perhaps finding an honest hard working job does not suit me and that maybe I should set my sights a little higher. That is why right here, right now I’m throwing my proverbial hat into the ring. I, Evan Jeremy Kessler am announcing my candidacy for New York City Mayor. Nevermind the fact that I have no idea what the qualifications for eligibility are, I’m eschewing convention and guidelines to say that if you live in New York City, I would like to be your Mayor.
I know I don’t have any experience in Government save for my Presidency of Mrs. Hutt’s class in 1st Grade, my tenure as Secretary of the Social Studies Honor Society in my Senior year at Ramapo High School, and my appointment as Major of the blue team in 1995 colorwar at Camp Westmont, but that’s exactly where my appeal as a candidate lies. I’m an outsider in Government and who better than some fresh blood that hasn’t been jaded by the political process, to come in and shake things up. In fact, my campaign song is going to be “Shake It Up” by the Cars. I once saw Ric Ocasek walking in Union Square. How New York is that?
Before you get to the question of what my platform as mayor is, let me tell you. It’s quite the alphabetical process. I’m calling my platform my plan to eliminate (not elimidate) the 4 P’s: Pigeons, Poverty, Property Taxes (or at least lower them) and Pedophilia. Now I think that’s something all New Yorkers can get behind. There’s some lesser P’s as well. I’d like to see the proliferation of park preservation but that’s not something I would want to eliminate. Anyway, first things first below are my official stances on the key elements of my plan.
Here’s my stance on Pigeons as written in a previous entry and you can print this in your precious papers: “Pigeons are the absolute bane of my existence. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve blatantly flinched for fear that one would collide with me. It’s gotten to the point that I flinch upon sight of one. It wouldn’t bother me one bit if someone in New York just came outside with a gun and started shooting pigeons. You know, as long as I was assured no people would get hurt or if it was assured that the only people that did get picked off were complete douchebags”
On Poverty: Poverty is bad. We should raise the minimum wage and raise taxes on the rich and lower them for the middle class and poor. Furthermore we should create more low cost housing instead of knocking down housing to build expensive stadiums for teams that wear green football uniforms. Also, by improving educational standards and acilities we can win the battle against poverty.
On Property Taxes: People hate taxes. Let’s lower them for poorer people but raise them for people like Trump and other really wealthy people.
On Pedophilia: I don’t really think we need to expand on this. Keep your kids away from the Neverland Ranch and from questionable members of the Catholic Church. Also, don’t let your kids go to that bike shop that Gordon Jump tried to molest Arnold and Dudley at.
So that’s my stance on the 4 P’s. The reason I say my plan is an alphabetical process is that once we’re done with the 4 P’s we move on to the Q’s which specifically tackles Queens, and then we move on to R , which has some toughies like Rape, Racism, and Railroads.
It’s all a very scientific approach. Most mayors when they take office operate under the assumption that they can change everything. My plan operates under the assumption that you can’t change everything overnight, but you have to start somewhere and that somewhere is the letter P. When my 4 years are up I hope we can make it to the letter V. I think there’s a lot of stuff in S that might hold us up, not to mention that pesky Terrorism word in the T section.
In conclusion, when you vote for Mayor, vote for Evan J. Kessler (I’m thinking of making the J stand for Jefferson). Improving our city one letter at a time.