Teens Like Like What They Like

About five-sevenths of those in the proper age range to be referred to as “Teens” may not have the right to vote, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be blessed with the burden of choice. What better way to bestow upon the adolescent population their very own right to choose by giving them an award show in which they basically tell you what you already knew they liked?

Yes, everyone who induces shrieking in those between the ages of 13 and 19 was on hand to be honored at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, a shocking ceremony held at the Gibson Theater in Los Angeles on Sunday night.  The kids let their ballots (or however they vote) do the obsessed, high-pitched wailing that only dogs can hear.

As soon as Lassie got the message loud and clear it was apparent that the kids thought enough of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart‘s performance in their light-hearted, not-at-all brooding, good-time vampire romp, Twilight, that they saw fit to award them both for it. The film went on to snag 11 awards in total.

Meanwhile, the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus surprised everyone by taking home five and six awards respectively, possibly in the music category or maybe just in the cute boyz and girlz department. The show also saw the aforementioned acts separately involved in two of the most beguiling moments in world pop culture history.  The first occurred when one of the Jonas Brothers (Gary?) had his hair cut by Mike Tyson.  Call us crazy, but we just don’t trust putting scissors in the hands of a guy with a face tattoo who has bitten off ears.  For the evening’s 2nd oddest moment, Miley Cyrus actually referred to Britney Spears as “my hero.”  Oh those teens, when they choose to be, they can be quite unpredictable.  To catch all of the wacky action, check out the show tonight on FOX!

Related Articles

• Hannah Montana: Miley Cyrus To Appear at Teen Choice Awards with ‘Twilight’ and ‘Glee’ Cast (buddytv.com)
• Billy Ray & Miley Cyrus At Odds Over $100 Million Fortune (popcrunch.com)
• Miley Cyrus Bong Hit Saliva Video Leaked Billy Ray Cyrus Says He’s “Disappointed” (binsidetv.net)
• JSYK Readers Think Miley Cyrus is a Bad Role Model (jsyk.com)
• Miley Cyrus bong-smoking video has dad Billy Ray ‘so sad’ (latimesblogs.latimes.com)

MJ Memorial to Heal the World

Image by cattias.photos via Flickr

The world is at a standstill today and Los Angeles is it’s epicenter as close to a billion people worldwide have stopped in their tracks and glued themselves to their television sets or to chairs at the Staples Center to remember one of the great artists of all time with a memorial tribute to Michael Jackson.  Such a momentous occasion is this celebration of the life of The King of Pop that even MTV has got in on the act,  putting a halt to it’s regularly scheduled programming consisting of teenagers getting drunk and trying to hook up with each other indiscriminantly, to join more respectable entertainment outletssuch as CNN and BET to cover the heart-wrenching, celebrity-ridden tribute from the eloquent perspective of Sway.

News coverage has been vigilant to say the least, following everything via helicopter from the private service at Forest Lawn Cemetery to an OJ-style aerial shot of the hearse transporting the body of MJ to the event. It’s pandemonium on a Princess Di level and truly a fitting tribute for a guy who we called a King that was prone to dressing like some sort of Civil War Admiral.

Today, we truly are the world, and we are the children of the music of Michael Jackson. And when this whole damn star- studded thing is over, we’ll have to get back to our normal lives with the knowledge that none of us are “Invincible”, but also
that we must do our part to heal the world and make it a better place– because that’s what Michael would want us to do.

Related Articles

• Will.i.am Explains His “Disgust” With New MJ Album (perezhilton.com)
• Michael Jackson’s Michael: A Track-By-Track Preview (mtv.com)
• Michael Jackson & Akon: The Complete “Hold My Hand” Music Video (thehollywoodgossip.com)
• M.J.’s first posthumous music video precedes album (top10queen.wordpress.com)
• Michael Jackson: ‘Hold My Hand’ Video Premiere with Akon! (justjared.buzznet.com)

QUAKE ’08: Safety Tips for Future Quakes

Well faithful readers, A day has past since the rumble in the urban jungle shook the souls of the heavenly beings in the City of Angels, and while the fright still lingers, much of that fear has been replaced by a newfound alertness. People all over the city, nay the world, have stopped to think about how they’ll prepare for the next time mother nature decides to exercise her latent wrath.

While no one can be truly prepared for an earthquake, we here at EvanKessler.com know that there are certain things you can do to attempt to be safe next time an earthquake should attempt to rattle your nerves. So without further ado we present you a list of safety tips to prevent tragedy in the case that another earthquake should eventually occur:

1. Make sure you are always standing in a doorway. Earthquakes never hurt people standing in doorways. If you work in an office, make sure your desk is located in a doorway; or if you are in school make sure to always listen to the teacher from the safe confines of a doorway.
2. Always keep canned goods and bottled water in the place you are going to be when the next earthquake occurs…most likely the doorway.
3. Keep a can opener in the doorway
4. If you happen to not be in the doorway (you are obviously ignoring the safety tips) when the next earthquake occurs, it is wise to stop drop and roll. In an earthquake the ground rolls beneath you, so rolling on the ground is supported by the earthquake’s natural motion. This will mostly likely cause you to be rolled into a safe place, like a doorway…or into a wall.
5. Become an Astronaut. If you spend most of your time living on a space station you will not be affected by earthquakes.
6. If you experience an earthquake and miraculously survive after not standing in a doorway, go to the supermarket that hasn’t collapsed and buy canned goods and place them in the doorway and remember rules one through five in the event of an aftershock.
7. If you haven’t learned enough about Earthquake Safety…watch this wonderful video starring the wondefully talented John Ritter from the 20th Century.

Well, that does it for our coverage of QUAKE ’08. We here at EvanKessler.com hope you gained a lot from our exclusive coverage of this story. In the future we encourage you to be safe so that your next Quake experience has you shaking in your shoes a little less.

QUAKE ’08- Interview: Stephy Pool

Greetings fans of breaking news and Evan Kessler.com. Oh and a hearty hello to you too Seismology enthusiasts and general public paranoia buffs. In our efforts to be considered for a daytime emmy or a daytime webby or whatever sort of award it is that might come along with continuing to provide breaking coverage of an epic event over the Internet, we’ve secured yet another exclusive interview from a Los Angeles resident who nearly fell victim to earth’s latest fit of fury. They say most accidents occur close to home, and that’s just where Retail Manager Stephy Pool was when the ground beneath her turned from Terra Firma to Terra Chaotica. Luckily, Ms. Pool, an accomplished gymnast in her time, was able to maintain her balance and fight off Mother Nature’s latest violent mood swing. We caught up with Ms. Pool several minutes ago to get her perspective on the “Rumble in the Urban Jungle” of 7/29/08.

Ms. Pool Promises To Take On Any Future Earthquakes With Her Bare Fists and A Smile On Her Face

EK.COM: Are you okay?
Stephy: I was going to give you a first hand account. Im lucky to be alive

EK.COM: Where were you when it happened?
Stephy: I was in my apartment. I was eating a sandwich watching comedy central.

EK.COM: Were there any celebrities around and if so what were they wearing?
Stephy: Well, later in the day, I would meet and sell to robert downy Jr.’s assistant

EK.COM:Hmmm interesting…what was he or she wearing?
Stephy: A baseball shirt and jeans purple details

EK.COM: What did robert downey jr.’s assistant have to say about the earthquake?
Stephy: She bought felt placemats probably so that they could help cushion any blows but she didnt speak of it….too soon

EK.COM: Well that’s unfortunate…hold on a sec.
EK.COM: Sorry, I had to help my old roommate take her microwave outside…Now where we?
Stephy: We were talking quake and bake

EK.COM: Of course…Now when the earthquake occurred, what kind of sandwich was it you were eating?
Stephy: I was eating a sandwich from wild oats café. It was a pesto veggie melt and I had an iced green tea

EK.COM: That sounds pretty tasty. Was it just a regular iced green tea or was it a specific blend?
Stephy: citrus green… Little did i know it wouldnt be the only thing that would be shaken that day
EK.COM: Indeed

EK.COM: How much did that run you?
Stephy: Oh, about 12 dollars

EK.COM: That’s kind of expensive; do you think after the earthquake they’ll be having an earthquake dinner sale?
Stephy: I couldnt imagine them not… people her are pretty shaken… hungrier, hornier — near death experiences tend to do that
EK.COM: Yes, I concur. I remember after my near fatal car accident I really had a craving for peaches and sex.

EK.COM: So, was this your first earthquake?
Stephy: What exactly are you typing here?
EK.COM: An interview

EK.COM: So Ms. Pool was this your first earthquake?
Stephy: Hell yah it was

EK.COM: And how did that make you feel?
Stephy: Is it wrong I kinda enjoyed it?
EK.COM: Yes…now on a scale from 1 to 10, one being uneventful and 10 being catastrophic, where does this earthquake rank?
Stephy: Appx. a 5.8…but i give it a 3. It was pretty weak. Nothing even fell over.
EK.COM: You should’ve stuck with 5.8 but I understand your trepidation to rank it that high.
Stephy: But a couple of doors did open more than they were pre-shake

EK.COM: Did you feel inclined to shut them, or was the breeze they allow for a welcome breeze?
Stephy: I had just finished a sesh at the gymnasium, so the breeze was alright by me.

EK.COM:If you had the chance, would you ever attend another quake? Or was this your last?
Stephy: I’m always up for an adventure… plus, quakes make me feel like I’m in a snow globe
EK.COM: You’re saying you’d appreciate another quake around Christmas time? You’d like a white shaky christmas?
Stephy: I dont want to know when it will happen

Stephy: Are you doing ok?…Pretty worried about all of your west coast friends — perhaps the spilled a latte or were made uncomfortable for a short period of time?
EK.COM: Hey. I ask the questions here. In any case thank you for your honesty and insight, this has been a truly wonderful interview. We here at EvanKessler.com thank the lord for watching over the people of California and ensuring their safety.
unless of course they are atheists and hate puppies.
Stephy: Indeed, it is good to give thanks to our Lord.

There you have it folks, another display of on the spot, journalistic integrity from EvanKessler.com.  Stay tuned because our coverage of Quake ’08 has not quite reached it’s bitter, anti-climactic end.  Or has it?  You’ll only know if you keep checking EvanKessler.com – your home for frequent updates on Quake ’08.

QUAKE ’08- First hand Account: Betsy Van Stone

The news keeps rolling in at a feverish pace. We’re doing all we can to stay on top of the latest stories emerging as a result of Mother Nature’s madness. A few theories on the cause of the Earthquake have emerged, the most viable of which is that god is probably pissed off at us for failing to go see the latest X-Files movie this past weekend. Meanwhile, we here at EvanKessler.com continue to bring you chilling accounts of the chaos. Our latest first person account is from Betsy Van Stone, a writer who just happened to be enjoying the comfort of the cool, safe (or so she thought) confines of Starbucks.

Ms. Van Stone in a Hat…A Hat That May Have Fallen Off Her Head During The Ordeal

Here’s what went down according to Ms. Van Stone. If you are a little on the squeamish side, you may not want to read on:

Ok, so, i was calmly sitting in starbucks, enjoying my frosty beverage when all of a sudden, my chair started to move. Now, i had just shoved a huge wad of napkins underneath one of the legs of my chair to stabilize. my biggest pet peeve in life is a wobbly chair.

So as my chair starts to shake, I assume my wad of napkins is coming loose but then i realize the force with which my chair is moving is too great to have resulted from a slipping napkin. It hits me that we’re in an earthquake and then it hits me that i’m sitting next to a very large window. but i don’t move. i sit there. like everyone else in the joint. just in case i was still unsure about what just happened, one of the lovely starbucks barista’s loudly yells that we’d just had an earthquake. thank god she told me cause i might not have known.”

There you have it folks. It doesn’t get any more frightening than that. We here at EvanKessler.com are glad that Ms. Van Stone made it through such an occurrence in order to share the details of this truly daunting experience.

Quake ’08- First Hand Account: Andrew Paskoff

While technically working out of a coffee shop in Brooklyn, New York, we here at EvanKessler.com continue to be on the scene in order to keep you up to date with the latest news emerging from Los Angeles, the site of today’s bone rattling 5.8 magnitude earth quake.

In order to get a better idea of just how strong of an earthquake measuring 5.8 is, here’s a look at the Richter Scale:

Actually, that’s just a seismograph.  Here’s the Richter Scale

As you can see…this 5.8 Magnitude Merchant of Death that momentarily wrenched an entire Metropolis from the moorings of it’s sanity falls somewhere in the moderate range…if by moderate you mean utterly harrowing we can certainly agree.

Our latest first hand account from Television Production professional Andrew Paskoff tells quite a troublesome tale of when his town began to tremble:

Mr. Paskoff Appearing Cool and Collected A Substantial Amount of Time Before The Quake Hit

“I was standing outside of my bosses office talking to her assistant, Kathy, eating a slice pineapple banana bread and a chocolate covered macadamia nut I brought back from Maui for the staff…when suddenly I felt the ground moving ever so slightly, but it could have been a large truck outside or Orpah walking down the hall…

I said to Kathy, “Is this an earthquake?” and then all of a sudden the ground started to really shake and so did the light fixtures…and we knew there and then it was the real deal…I assessed the situation, scanning the floor to make sure nothing was falling and everyone was OK…I stood in the doorway of my colleague Colleen’s office, with her, and waited out the shake…a good 6 seconds…

There was still a little bit of shakiness on the floor, but the large rumbling had stopped…and the light fixtures were swinging like a Vegas club scene…I finsihed eating my pineapple banana bread and went back to my office to update my facebook, IM a few friends to make sure they were alright and made a few phone calls to some locals, including my cousin Michael…

Still haven’t spoken to Aileen (his mother), but if she really cared, she’d pick up the phone…”

There you have it folks, another first hand account of the havoc wreaked by the quake of ’08. Stay tuned to EvanKessler.com for more reports as we continue to stay on top of the sitauation.

QUAKE ’08- The Interviews: Scott Paskoff

In our continuing efforts to give you up to the moment information on the earthquake that occurred in California today, EvanKessler.com has secured an exclusive interview with Scott Paskoff a television producer and first hand witness to the destructive force of the rubbing together of the tectonic plates, or the slipping of faults or whatever specifically occurred. We know it involved shaking of buildings and the ground. This interview took place over instant messager, less than an hour after the 5.8 magnitude earthquake ROCKED the Los Angeles area.

The Interviewee Has Since Taken Refuge Far From Los Angeles

WIthout further ado:

EK.COM: What were you doing when the earthquake hit?
SP: I was about to go take a dump and the earthquake took care of that for me. no, all kidding aside, i was in my office in the middle of the room riding it out and then went downstairs in case the building started to collapse

EK: Did anything fall off of your shelves?
SP:no
SP:i hope my home is OK

EK.COM:Did anything implode?
SP:no
SP: a few people

EK: Did any cans of carbonated soda explode or get all fizzy?
SP: Probably

EK: well at least everyone is okay…is everyone okay?
SP: So far, yeah….i have been getting updates…5.8…all are well

EK.COM: Is this your first earthquake?
SP: No

EK.COM: Is this your worst earthquake?
SP: it was not so bad, but it was def the biggest
SP: Bring it on mother f’in nature.
SP: No, i am not down with anything bigger

EK.COM: Did you realize that first and worst rhymed after I wrote those two questions?
SP:i did not, but i love it

EK.COM: Well, I thank you for your honesty and insight on the situation. Do you mind if I post this interview on EvanKessler.com? I’ve decided to do in depth coverage of California Earthquake ’08.
I won’t use your last name if you don’t want.
SP: Please do
SP: u can use my last name
EK: Nice
SP: And do not change any of my words whatsoever
EK: I will not
SP:And i am still avail to answer questions
EK: I’m into honest journalism

QUAKE ’08: In Depth Coverage of The LA Quake of 7/29/08

At 11:42 Pacific D (not sure what that stands for) Time, a magnitude 5.8 earthquake rattled the city of Los Angeles.  We here at EvanKessler.com decided to spring into immediate action to cover the events as they unfolded.  Our first course of action was this post, which will be followed up by a series of first hand accounts and interviews from the victims of this shaky situation.  Stay tuned for the latest, we’re on it!

Going Back To Cali

As I write this on the eve of my first trip to the West Coast in seven years several California-related songs are cycling through my brain as it is The most obvious ones are Led Zeppelin’s “Going To California”, Phantom Planet’s “California” and LL Cool J’s “Going Back To Cali”, The Mamas and The Papas “California Dreamin’” and The Beach Boys “California Girls”. I can’t help thinking I should’ve made a California-themed mix on my ipod to listen to, but alas I haven’t packed yet so that might have to wait. However, if I were to add some more songs to the playlist I’d have to include Mike Viola and The Candybutchers “Hills of L.A”, The Magnetic Fields “California Girls”, The Old 97′s “Just Like California”, “West Coast” by the Roadside Graves, and Ryan Adams “Goodnight Hollywood Boulevard” to possibly close it out. I’m sure if I gave myself time I could come up with at least 20 more but then I’d just be showing off all of the music I know about that nobody cares about.

In any case, the entirety of the last two days has been spent running around making preparations to take on Sunny California. I’ve been so anxious about the trip that I feel like I’ve been out of the swing of things. My post on JoshSpear.com have been average at best and I even neglected the weekend recap here. In an effort to remedy this I’m going to give you a shortened version of last weekend in the following few sentences.

Friday…I got a haircut. Friday night…I stayed in.
Saturday was an absolute whirlwind. I left my apartment at 3pm to go see Suli’s 100 level improv show, joined by Joe D, Jess D, JSarah, Rich, Lina, Andrea,Kayvalyn, Enisha and other people I’m probably forgetting. The show was pretty excellent and there were a lot of good laughs. Most of the people in the show were entirely entertaining save for this one guy who kept trying to involve himself in every bit by doing walk-ons that were completely irrelevant and more or less just selfish attempts to showcase himself. After the show I went out with Suli and his improv class for drinks at the Stoned Crow near Washington Square. Rich, Suli and I left at around 9pm and got Thai Food at Isle before heading back to the Stoned Crow. Rich didn’t stick around for long and Suli and I had another beer at a diner with some of his improv crew. After that final beer I headed back to Park Slope and went to the Dram Shop for my friend and editor at JoshSpear.com Heather’s going away party. I had a few more drinks and at around 2am, Heather and I left the bar only to notice that it was pouring and relatively cold. Rather than walk the 10 plus blocks home we split a cab and I fell fast asleep in dreamyland minutes later.
Sunday…I barely left my house.

Well…that was my hasty…sloppy excuse for a weekend recap. I still have so much to do before my plane leaves in less than 14 hours…the least important one among them is pack. I still have to do two posts for JoshSpear.com, one post for Trendliest, and one for If I Blog It They Will Come. I’ve really worked myself into a corner with all of these writing projects.

However, I think I’m going to take the next week off, writing only when I’m inspired to. I need to get away from this computer and enjoy life and people for a bit…and maybe even some scenery. Hopefully the hills of LA and a little sunshine will help refresh my nose for witty and engrossing content, because right now my brain feels like absolute mush and looking at words makes my head hurt.

In any case, I’m looking forward to seeing some long lost faces from my past and even some things I’ve never seen in the next week. Maybe I’ll have so much fun I’ll be convinced that I have to move to LA…though probably not. My first order of business though is to bring this post to a close and get a handle on all of my other responsibilities. So goodbye for now…and hopefully I’ll see you soon. Who knows, you could hear from me tomorrow after I catch the Angels-A’s game in Anaheim.