Greetings fans of breaking news and Evan Kessler.com. Oh and a hearty hello to you too Seismology enthusiasts and general public paranoia buffs. In our efforts to be considered for a daytime emmy or a daytime webby or whatever sort of award it is that might come along with continuing to provide breaking coverage of an epic event over the Internet, we’ve secured yet another exclusive interview from a Los Angeles resident who nearly fell victim to earth’s latest fit of fury. They say most accidents occur close to home, and that’s just where Retail Manager Stephy Pool was when the ground beneath her turned from Terra Firma to Terra Chaotica. Luckily, Ms. Pool, an accomplished gymnast in her time, was able to maintain her balance and fight off Mother Nature’s latest violent mood swing. We caught up with Ms. Pool several minutes ago to get her perspective on the “Rumble in the Urban Jungle” of 7/29/08.
Ms. Pool Promises To Take On Any Future Earthquakes With Her Bare Fists and A Smile On Her Face
EK.COM: Are you okay?
Stephy: I was going to give you a first hand account. Im lucky to be alive
EK.COM: Where were you when it happened?
Stephy: I was in my apartment. I was eating a sandwich watching comedy central.
EK.COM: Were there any celebrities around and if so what were they wearing?
Stephy: Well, later in the day, I would meet and sell to robert downy Jr.’s assistant
EK.COM:Hmmm interesting…what was he or she wearing?
Stephy: A baseball shirt and jeans purple details
EK.COM: What did robert downey jr.’s assistant have to say about the earthquake?
Stephy: She bought felt placemats probably so that they could help cushion any blows but she didnt speak of it….too soon
EK.COM: Well that’s unfortunate…hold on a sec.
EK.COM: Sorry, I had to help my old roommate take her microwave outside…Now where we?
Stephy: We were talking quake and bake
EK.COM: Of course…Now when the earthquake occurred, what kind of sandwich was it you were eating?
Stephy: I was eating a sandwich from wild oats café. It was a pesto veggie melt and I had an iced green tea
EK.COM: That sounds pretty tasty. Was it just a regular iced green tea or was it a specific blend?
Stephy: citrus green… Little did i know it wouldnt be the only thing that would be shaken that day
EK.COM: How much did that run you?
Stephy: Oh, about 12 dollars
EK.COM: That’s kind of expensive; do you think after the earthquake they’ll be having an earthquake dinner sale?
Stephy: I couldnt imagine them not… people her are pretty shaken… hungrier, hornier — near death experiences tend to do that
EK.COM: Yes, I concur. I remember after my near fatal car accident I really had a craving for peaches and sex.
EK.COM: So, was this your first earthquake?
Stephy: What exactly are you typing here?
EK.COM: An interview
EK.COM: So Ms. Pool was this your first earthquake?
Stephy: Hell yah it was
EK.COM: And how did that make you feel?
Stephy: Is it wrong I kinda enjoyed it?
EK.COM: Yes…now on a scale from 1 to 10, one being uneventful and 10 being catastrophic, where does this earthquake rank?
Stephy: Appx. a 5.8…but i give it a 3. It was pretty weak. Nothing even fell over.
EK.COM: You should’ve stuck with 5.8 but I understand your trepidation to rank it that high.
Stephy: But a couple of doors did open more than they were pre-shake
EK.COM: Did you feel inclined to shut them, or was the breeze they allow for a welcome breeze?
Stephy: I had just finished a sesh at the gymnasium, so the breeze was alright by me.
EK.COM:If you had the chance, would you ever attend another quake? Or was this your last?
Stephy: I’m always up for an adventure… plus, quakes make me feel like I’m in a snow globe
EK.COM: You’re saying you’d appreciate another quake around Christmas time? You’d like a white shaky christmas?
Stephy: I dont want to know when it will happen
Stephy: Are you doing ok?…Pretty worried about all of your west coast friends — perhaps the spilled a latte or were made uncomfortable for a short period of time?
EK.COM: Hey. I ask the questions here. In any case thank you for your honesty and insight, this has been a truly wonderful interview. We here at EvanKessler.com thank the lord for watching over the people of California and ensuring their safety.
unless of course they are atheists and hate puppies.
Stephy: Indeed, it is good to give thanks to our Lord.
There you have it folks, another display of on the spot, journalistic integrity from EvanKessler.com. Stay tuned because our coverage of Quake ’08 has not quite reached it’s bitter, anti-climactic end. Or has it? You’ll only know if you keep checking EvanKessler.com – your home for frequent updates on Quake ’08.