Bitchfest ‘05

10:02:15, Bleep Boop What was the deal with 24 tonight? It’s like Jack Bauer took an hour off to rest and not kick people’s ass, save for two people he kicked in the face while he was handcuffed to a pole. Instead 24 fans were treated to an hour of Chloe and Edgar bitching at each other while key information collected dust on a desk without them noticing. If there’s one lesson I took away from this episode it’s to keep your ego in check or else a whole lot of people will die in a future episode. I have a feeling the evil stealth bomber pilot may take out CTU next week. If that happens there’ll be no Tony Almeida spin-off. Too bad, I was eagerly awaiting the premiere of Almeida next fall on Fox. Oh well, at least Jack Bauer lives to see another day. 10:09:35 PM, Boop Beep.

Don’t Become A Statistic

Ladies and Gentlemen, thousands, maybe millions of people get married every year. Don’t become another statistic. Just kidding. I went to a wedding in case you couldn’t guess from the last couple of sentences. Two people that I know very well were betrothed to each other at the St. Regis Hotel in Manhattan this weekend. But that was Saturday night and before I get to that perhaps I should take you through Friday. I know, all that build up and the suspense is killing you.

Friday night I met Arby at Absolutely 4th St. in the West Village for Ellen Magid’s birthday. Ellen was Rich’s roommate junior and senior year and a good friend of mine as well. I hadn’t seen Ellen in a while but it’s always good to see her. She’s just one of those really great people that you wish you saw more often. She’s a lot of fun and very funny and the source of some of my favorite college memories. I met some of her law school friends as well as her boyfriend Jan. All in all it was good times. I knew a couple of her friends but had not seen them in at least 2 years. Her friend Beth had been up to Syracuse when we were there and I’d seen her several times since was now engaged and her friend Chris who was bald when I last saw her had plenty of hair. People change when you don’t see them for a while. I had originally only planned to go out for about an hour and a half on account of having had more than my fair share of alcohol on Thursday for Mike Haigh’s birthday but I made an exception for a good friend. I was out til about 2am. Good times though.

Ellen Magid Conversatin’ and Relatin’ on Her Birthday

Saturday I woke up in a bit of a frantic state. Not only did I have a wedding that day but Sunday (today was my brother’s birthday and I had yet to buy him a gift. The first part of my day was dedicated to finding him a gift. My original plan of attack was to hit up Crate & Barrel for some unique kitchen appliance or something of the likes because my brother is quite the accomplished cook and I thought that would be a good birthday gift. However, after about 45 minutes of wandering around I was without inspiration. Not to say that it was uneventful. I skillfully ignored an old camp acquaintance who was shopping with her boyfriend. It’s not that I dislike her or anything, it’s just that I’d run into her before and had an uncomfortable, half ass, what’ve you been up to conversation that I did not wish to repeat. I think I did us both a favor.

Upon leaving Crate & Barrel I rifled through the contents of my brain hoping to come to some sort of epiphany for the perfect gift for Greg H. Kessler. As I racked my brain I took a brief sabbatical at Jamba Juice hoping the Protein boost in my Aloha Pineapple smoothie might get my creative juices flowing. Wouldn’t you know it, It did. I decided that I would get my brother’s some records. If there’s anything the Greg Kessler likes it record shopping. He doesn’t necessarily look for great albums, he shops by title and visual presentation. I bought him Foghat Live, Joe Jackson Look Sharp, Look Sharp, The Best of The Lovin Spoonful, Jethro Tull’s Too Old To Rock ‘n’ Roll Too Young To Die, and finally Cheap Trick’s classic Live at Budokan album. Relieved that my shopping was done, I headed to the gym for a pre wedding work out.

At 6:30 I headed uptown for the Wedding of one Jonathan Wolk and one Michelle Kafko. I’ve known Jon my entire life. Our parents are best friends and his youngest brother and I, were born a week apart and were best friends for a good portion of our childhood. Michelle I’ve pretty much known since the first time I went over her house in I think 4th or 5th grade as a guest of her brother Craig who’s been one of my best friends ever since that day. She was also the same year as my brother in school so they were friends as well. I arrived at about 7pm and was immediately engulfed by the Rockland County Jewish Adult Association, many of whose members hadn’t seen me since I was little or since high school. During the ceremony my mom took care to point out everyone who was walking down the aisle even though I’d known just about everyone for the majority of my life. The person performing the ceremony was also a good high school friends’ mother. All in all it was a fun wedding due to the fact that we basically knew everyone there and didn’t feel strange. Though there was a hint of pressure seeing as all of the children in both families are either married or engaged or about to be engaged and being that we’re so close to both families people start to look at you like you’re next or at least you should be. No matter, I don’t feel any pressure. Either Jon’s younger brother Eric, or Michelle’s brother Craig will be next. They’ll probably be engaged any minute now. Eric gave a great best man speech for Jon. He was almost in standup comic mode. I was very impressed. He was doing double duty as someone got smacked in the face with a camera on the dance floor, Eric (a doctor) got to show off some medical expertise. All in all it was a fun night and not my usual negative wedding experience. Though I will say I didn’t like the grandstanding of the band. At one point one of the guys in the band decided to show off that he could play two trumpets at the same time. What a jackass. The weddings not about you jumping all around the dance floor playing two trumpets. It’s about the people who are getting married. Anyway, Greg and I left the wedding around 1am when the band stopped playing. Good times.

This Could Be You One Day. Make sure you don’t fall off the chair.

I slept about 10 hours last night and woke up today with a sense of purpose. I went to the gym and upon my return engaged in some spring cleaning. There’s plenty more to be done but I still got a lot accomplished. There’s a long way to go before the problem of my permanent mess is alleviated. At around 8pm I headed to Greg’s apartment for his 29th birthday celebration. Last year we went to the Outback Steakhouse but we were a far cry from that tonight. Greg did some cooking. He made fish but since I don’t eat fish he made me chicken. I think there were only 3 Americans in the dinner party. The guests consisted of Greg, Myself, Sven (my brother’s German friend whom he met at University in Brighton), Cammie (Sven’s wife, but she’s American), Mateus (French), Frauka (German), Julia (German) and Frank (Madagascar). My brother’s roommate Linda (Czech Republic) was there but she fell asleep in her room before dinner and didn’t wake up while I was there. It was a very good time. There was salad, a main course, and plenty of wine, not to mention the Death By Chocolate dessert provided by Frauka (Luka) and Julia. I really enjoy Sven and Cammie. They are a very cool couple and I always have a lot to talk to them about. In general everyone was very outgoing and pleasant. Most importantly, my brother enjoyed himself. I think he had a good low key birthday with good friends, and what’s wrong with that? Jesus Christ, it’s pretty late. I’d like to say more but I’m looking at the clock and it’s late and this one has gone on far enough. It’s Monday morning. I need to get some sleep.

Here Come The Painbirds

Okay, don’t misunderstand the title. I’m not depressed, not even sad. The Painbirds is just one of the bands I’m in. I know what you’re thinking, “Evan, you’re not in any bands”. Technically you’re right but the other night I came up with another good band name to add to a list I’ve been compiling over some time. It all started back in Syracuse when I’d sit in the University Union office with John Vacanti, Matt Singer, Poingly, and Pete Thomas watching CTN and marveling at awful band names such as Souldecision and Godsmack. We were immediately inspired to come up with some of our own band names and fit them into genres.

The first one I remember was my Hard Rock Nu Metal band Punchface. Soon after we came up with Folk-rockers Matt Matthews and The Matthewses in hopes that if we got a record deal people might confuse us with being Dave Matthews brother and we’d make it big. This of course was a hypothetical situation seeing as we weren’t an actual band, though Pete, Matt, Poingly, and John all have the ability to play music. I’ve come up with many band names and genres since. My inspiration occurs usually minutes before my first pass at sleeping but the Painbirds one came when I was in the shower. . I used to exchange emails with Aamer Haleem and send him the names of my fake bands to reunite so there are probably more band names in those emails. Sometimes I write the names down, sometimes I don’t but I had nothing to really write about tonight so I thought maybe I’d share my band names with you since I’ve been meaning to write them down for a long time and I otherwise probably wouldn’t write anything until the weekend is over. Also, if anyone feels compelled to join one of my bands so we can conquer the world and score hot chicks in the process, let me know. Men and women are welcome.

The Oregon Trail- I think this is an indie rock band but I’m not sure. Right now it’s just a two piece with John Vacanti and myself. John is multitalented though. He plays the banjo and guitar. I’ve only played the trumpet from 4th to 9th grade and I was pretty bad at it.

The Feelings Police- This is an emo punk band. The name was inspired by a nickname my brother and I had for one of our mom’s friends who was overly sensitive about anything we said to her son. She once yelled at me for reading the words on her son’s shirt. She thought I was making fun of him when really I was just asking what it was that the shirt meant. Okay, I may have been making of him but I don’t recall. I was never a bully. The first album for The Feelings Police will be titled, I’m Sad, Pull Over.

Punchface- This is the aforementioned hard rock- nu metal band inspired by the stupidity of a name like Godsmack. Apparently the only guideline for naming a metal band is that you have to make it sound violent. For instance, a metal band will not be called “The Whispers”. Punchface’s first album with be entitled Feel The Sting.

Soulgasm- Apparently every band that uses the phrase “a unique fusion of funk, soul, rock & hip hop” has to incorporate the words “Soul” or “Funk” into their name. For instance I was on Bleecker St. near the Red Lion and saw posters for two bands describing themselves similarly. Their names were Soulstice and Confunkshun Junction. Here’s how I would describe Soulgasm in our press release:
“Imagine Steve Wonder, James Brown, George Clinton, and the members of Sly and The Family Stone all had gay sex. Now imagine they had a love child that turned out to be an all white funk band with one black guy on trumpet. Now you’ve got the right recipe for a Soulgasm.”

I’d tell you what their first album title is but unfortunately Soulgasm will never release a first album because they’ll be too busy building up their fan base by playing at the same two clubs, The Lion’s Den on Sullivan St. and The Red Lion on Bleecker to record an album.

CAPITOLISM- CAPITOLISM is my industrial rock outfit in the mold of Nine Inch Nails. I haven’t totally figured out their influences or anything but I know that all of their album titles will be economic concepts. The 1st album will be called SUPPLY AND DEMAND. The 2nd album will be named TRICKLE DOWN THEORY.

The Open Mouths- This one is a generally stupid idea but it could work. We get a bunch of 60 year olds to form a Rolling Stones cover band and when the stones finally retire, these guys can tour in their place. Every night they would have to wear T-shirts with the Rolling Stones open mouth logo so people get the name, and so the members themselves don’t forget the name because they’ll be getting senile at this point. I hope they can remember the lyrics.

The Painbirds- I came up with this one last weekend when I was in the shower. The Sparklehorse song, Painbirds popped into my head and I just immediately thought that would be a good band name. I’m not sure if they’re an Alt- Country (whatever that means) band or if they’re like a Death Cab type band. I’m on the fence. I know what their logo looks like though but I can’t draw. Anyway, I think their first album could be called If Murder Is Illegal Love Should Be Too. Unless someone has already done that because it sort of sounds like a familiar concept.

Evan Kessler & His Only 2 Friends- This is my main project, focusing on upbeat sort of power pop. I have a logo actually made up for this band. Perhaps I will put the shirts up on the store site. I haven’t decided yet.

Common Denominator- Okay, this one isn’t actually mine. I think maybe Rob Goodman or Matt Landman came up with this name one night when Matt, Ian Schaefer, Rob, and I were going into the city for Rob’s birthday a couple of years ago. Matt came to pick us up and when we were all in the car we realized that we were all wearing basically the same outfit, of either Jeans or Khakis and a black t-shirt. It was then we decided to tell everyone we met that night that we were in a boy band called Common Denominator. It’s amazing to me that no boy band called Common Denominator has come out.

Special Guests- I’m sort of fuzzy on the genre of this band as well. The one thing I know is that they can never make it big, but if they do the words “with Special Guests” can never appear on another concert poster because people might mistake it for the actual band when in fact the promoters only meant to suggest that more people would be playing with whoever else is on the bill that night. So basically the goal of this band would be to affect the usage of the combination of the words Special and Guests for all of eternity.

And finally….

The Lesser Antilles- This is the band I thought of last night. The Lesser Antilles is a collection of Islands somewhere that I thought just sounded like a good name. I’m thinking they’re somewhere along the lines of a Franz Ferdinand. I don’t know though.

So there you have it folks. If you would actually like to join any of these bands let me know. Maybe we can start something. Or if you just want to use the name for your band please contact me and send your demo tape and I’ll see if your band’s music fits the name. If it doesn’t I’ll gladly name your band for a fee.

Oh, and just a random thought. The other day I was in Jamba Juice and someone ordered a Strawberry Tsunami. I’m not overly sensitive but I wonder if the Jamba Juice people thought about changing that name after the actual Tsunami in SE Asia. It just sounded weird to hear someone cheerfully shout, “Okay, who’s got a Strawberry Tsunami.” I just had this picture of this huge wave of Fruity Strawberry doom taking out everything it its path. Weird. Anyway, goodnight.

The Trouble With Jack

11:49:10 Bloop Bleep; It looks like our friend Jack Bauer has gotten himself into quite the predicament. On tonight’s episode of 24 he engineered some hare-brained scheme to catch the terrorists by having himself taken hostage by Dina Araz. It seems like the plan may have backfired because not only did the terrorists outwit the CTU folks, but they also killed Dina. I guess she’s going to miss out on the witness protection program. Judging by the scenes from next week, the future doesn’t look so bright for my favorite fictional character that’s not “The Dude” or portrayed by John Cusack. They made it look like Jack might meet his maker in one of the two episodes to follow. I don’t see how Kiefer agreed to this. Kiefer Sutherland is Jack Bauer and no one else, except for maybe Doc Scurlock from Young Guns and the guy he played in Lost Boys, and those movies were quite a while ago. If Jack Bauer goes the way of the dodo bird, Kiefer Sutherland could very well find himself in a Darius Rucker-like predicament, accepting a steep pay cut to be the new Jack In The Box (get it?) or Sonic spokesman. Has anyone actually been to a Sonic? Where do they exist? I wanted to go to on once in Bristol, Tennessee, but we settled on the Cracker Barrel instead. I hear Sonic lets you make your own drink from dozens of possible combinations. 11:59:50 Boop Beep

Has Spring Sprung?

Well, at least I have baseball to look forward to after Syracuse’s subpar performance in their 1st round NCAA tournament to the Catamounts of the University of Vermont. Other than that disappointing occurrence, this weekend was a pretty good one. Actually my weekend sort of began before that as I went out for St. Patrick’s day with the kids from work. I headed out with Marisa Ruiz, Rob DeGrezia, Carrie Kaylor, Sergio Santos, Erica Bryndza, Adam Starling and Katie Cummings amongst others. Our St. Patty’s day headquarters was the Blarney Stone pub on 47th and 8th, which wasn’t as annoying and crowded as it should’ve been. Overall it was a good time. At one point, I was chatting it up with the folks from work, when somebody grabbed my ass. I turned around to see my old roommate’s sister right behind me. It took me a second to realize who it was. I pretty much spent the rest of the night talking to her. She was surprisingly cool considering her brother was kicked out of my apartment. Though, she was pretty understanding of why we had to do it, so it wasn’t weird at all. We talked about doing improv classes and things of that nature. It was a very good conversation and I was glad to run into her, or more specifically be goosed by her. Why is it called being “goosed” when someone grabs your ass?

Friday I was pretty much determined to not go out but after Syracuse lost I was bummed out so I felt the need to do something. I ended up calling Bess Sobota and going to 88th and 1st to hang out with her, her boyfriend Knoah, and her friends Marisa and Suni. We basically just sat around Knoah’s apartment watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force and drinking wine, which was just fine by me. It was just very laid back and we had some good conversation and we probably left around 1:30 or something, actually I have no idea what time it was, maybe a lot later. Marisa and I went looking for cabs and we split one even though we live on opposite sides of downtown, which I didn’t mind because I like not making awkward cab driver conversation and Marisa is good company.

Saturday was almost the perfect day. I woke up and it was beautiful outside. The first thing I did was go to the gym and then afterwards just enjoyed the spring-like weather which came a day before the actual springing of the new season. I grabbed my book and my ipod and sat on a bench in Washington Square. My first choice was to sit in the fountain but there was one of those shows going on in there where the guys spew lots of foul language and try to jump over a line of 20 tourists. I did that for about an hour and then went home to prepare for my evening activities.

At 7pm I left for the Sidewalk Café to catch a short set by Earl Pickens. I was going to meet John Vacanti, but I got there before him and ended up sitting next tour friends Gabrielle and Mike. I also took some pictures of the performance to give to Earl for his new website and to John for his label’s website. Earl played for about an hour. He did some songs off of the new album and a song he wrote for his daughter Lilly. He ended with a cover of “Born To Run”. I hung around for a little bit and caught up with the Earl Pickens crowd but I couldn’t stay around for as long as I would’ve liked on account I had to meet Lauren Hlavenka and her boyfriend Jesse to go up to Andy Seestedt’s going away party.

Earl Pickens commands the attention of his audience at the Sidewalk Café.

I met Lauren a little after 9:30 at her place and we headed up on the train. I’m not sure what time we got to the party but I think we were the first ones there that weren’t there for dinner. We didn’t mind, more drinking time for us. The rest of the night until about 3am was spent wishing Andy a fond farewell before he goes up to Maine to work on a sailboat for 6 months. There were lots of fun folks that made their way up, Rich, Lina, Jasky, Ahmad, Chirag, Zerna, John, Jason, Kayvalyn and anyone I’m forgetting. Not to mention the people who actually live in the apartment, Ken, Andy and Steve. Apparently the person moving in for Andy is married and her husband lives in Chicago. That’s a little odd. Anyway, A good time was had and I even made some new friends. I wish I had some descriptive crazy, stories but it was just a bunch of fun people hanging out together and having a party. Andy actually had some good stories about sleepwalking but they’re not my stories so I don’t want to co-opt them.

Andy Seestedt was so distraught about leaving that he wouldn’t even look me in the eye.

Today my day consisted by in large of my Fantasy Baseball draft. I think Fantasy Baseball drafts may replace “The Rack” as a form of torture in some countries. For the 2nd straight year I’m in a fantasy league with my friends Eric and Werner as well as some of Werner’s friends who I’ve never met. The draft took damn near 4 hours and I basically just had a list of the 200 best players that I got from ESPN and I work off of that. I don’t really know enough on my own because I only really pay attention to the Mets. I was parked in front of my computer for 3:10 to 6:45 drinking tea and waiting for my turn every couple of minutes. All of this to join a league where I will pay $40 to positively end up in last place. I’ll take my chances. The rewards outweigh my indifference.

You’d think after all of that hoopla and whoopdedoo of this weekend I’d be ready to fall asleep but alas, I’m still wide awake and my Sunday night will soldier on. I’ll stare at my computer or the television until my eyes can no longer take it and park my head on the pillow and perhaps I will see thee tomorrow.

Full of Crap

I wanted to write about this last night but I was unable to sit in typing position. Last night the book club I am in (stop laughing) met at my apartment for some dinner and to discuss the latest book we had read (well sort of read), Random Family by Adrian Nicole LeBlanc. The book is basically a look at Hispanic families living in the Bronx in the early 80’s. The entire story basically consists of girls being molested by their mother’s boyfriends’ at a young age, and the girls turning 12, becoming sexually active and getting pregnant by drug dealers or break dancers multiple times and then so that the cycle repeats itself for their children to struggle through. Good times. Actually it was very interesting at first but every successive chapter introduced about 5 new characters and by about the 6th chapter I had completely lost track of what was going on and who was who. I didn’t make it much past page 100.

Anyway, back to the actual book club meeting. Each of our book club meetings has a dinner theme. Our theme this time was cafeteria food since all of the kids in the book were cutting school we decided to celebrate the foods they were missing out on. I got home around 7pm and started making grilled cheese sandwiches and crinkle cut fries. Jess Smith showed up around 7:45 with fruit, tater tots, and assorted sandwiches from the rest of her group. Deb Spokony was right behind her with girl- scout cookies and milk. Orly Sigal, Samantha Martin and her friend Gina went to get Juice boxes and mozzarella sticks. Already this sounds like the gayest meal ever, but anyway we sat down and ate the food and started discussing the book. Soon after Lauren King and her fiancée Justin came. I think they brought devil dogs, canned fruit and green beans. Everything was great while we were eating it. We had a relatively small group and I’m surprised how much food we ripped through. The book was only discussed for about 15 minutes tops and we moved on to other topics that come up. It’s more of a dinner get together than a book club. We were a little short of the normal bunch this week but it was still fun.

Everyone left at around 10:30 but had helped me clean a good deal. I finished cleaning at about 10:45 and settled down to watch The Daily Show. When The Daily Show ended all of the food had settled in my stomach seemingly expanding it tenfold, and I could feel every inch of it. It may have exploded if not for it’s extreme elasticity but it sure felt like it was about to. I was literally in pain from all the food I ate and seriously contemplated making myself throw up but that wouldn’t have been very pleasant. So I just rode it out and I thought I was about to die until around 3am. When I think the majority of the greasy crap in my stomach had been digested and I could finally go to sleep.

I woke up this morning and was still full. I really didn’t have to eat today if I didn’t want to. I think I could go about 4 days without getting hungry. My entire nutritional intake today consisted of a bowl of Special K and a salad. I’m still debating whether or not to eat tomorrow. Well this has been a relatively unpleasant and unnecessary post.

IN-TENSE!!!

11:42:45 Beep Boop. 24 was awesome tonight! There was a shootout for half the show. Ok, so I’m exaggerating a bit but it was pretty exciting. Tensions were also high at CTU as Michelle and Tony got reacquainted. Jack fought off the defense contractors’ army and Paul and Jack took turns saving each other’s lives only Paul end up with the short end of that stick. 11:46:12, Boop Beep. Next week it looks like the terrorist mom will be back in the picture so that should make for more top- notch TV. Does anyone know how many hours we’re on so far? I can’t take the anxiety. 11:47:18 Bleep Blurp (new one, I was getting bored with the old 24 clock sound).

In an effort to keep up with 24 the actual world is threatening to turn up the intensity and excitement. Today I read a story about pirates hijacking a boat and taking hostages. Argggh!!! Okay, I know they weren’t exactly those kinds of pirates. These guys weren’t exactly swashbuckling, but more likely gun toting. However, this is just one of several movie-like events in the past several months that have really captured my imagination. The other event was probably about 5 or 6 months ago when there was the art heist in Finland, where Edvard Munch’s The Scream was stolen. I let my imagination run wild on that one. Not only do I find it cool that art heists actually do happen, but how often do you hear about pirates on the high seas taking over boats, except in movies like Pirates of The Carribean and Captain Ron. I think anyone who “pirates” anything be it music, or ships on the high seas should have to wear an eye patch and say “argggh” and force people to walk some sort of plank. Who’s with me?

G is for Guttenburg

I think I’ve been a little unhealthily obsessed with Steve Guttenburg as of late after last months poll question but it seems as though all of the HBO’s have been Guttenberg themed lately. As I flipped through all of my HBO’s today I came across the first Police Academy, on HBO-Z which features SG at his youthful finest as he engages in various hyjinx in an attempt to get kicked out of the Police Academy. Did I sit through the entire film? You bet your ass I did.
After Police Academy ended I was flipping through my HBO channels once more hoping to find some more engaging cinematic masterpieces, and what did I come across? Any clue? Short Circuit on HBO-F, and I had only missed about 5 to 10 minutes, which had overlapped with Police Academy. It was almost as if I had hit some sort of 80’s movie jackpot that rewarded me with a Steve Guttenburg- G.W. Bailey Marathon. (Capt. Harris also appears in Short Circuit). Before I was watching those movies I caught a bit of The Goonies as well but that movie doesn’t boast either of the aforementioned actors. I think HBO should just save us some time and come out with HBO-G, all Guttenburg all of the time. We could have Police Academy 1-4 and Cocoon 1 and 2,. Three Men and A Baby is also prime Guttenburg and also features Ted Danson and Tom Selleck in fine form. I’ve even come across Three Men And A Little Lady flipping through the HBOs this month. We could include that for good measure. If programming gets a little repetitive we could always spice things up with It Takes Two, where Mr. Moveable Type plays proud papa to one of the two preteen Olsen Twins. I think he directed some movies too that could also be thrown in there. The ratings for HBO-G will be huge. Finally one of the 80’s biggest stars will get the credit he deserves.
Okay, that was a mouthful or page full on the SG, now let’s move on to weekend recapitulation. Friday night was all about the poker. Well, poker and drinking. I played a little poker with Deb Miran, Jess, Sabin, Adam Starling, Anna Mikelson and Rob DeGrezia amongst others. We each put $20 in and I think I was the 3rd or 4th to lose it all. No big deal though, it was fun while the money lasted. Afterwards, I went with Anna and Jess to meet Kim Rowe at a divey Irish Pub on 19th st., where I put on songs I didn’t get to hear because we left after one beer. We then went to another bar a couple of blocks away where they had a pretty awful jukebox but I managed to find 5 good songs for my $2 there. We were later by everyone else from the poker game and Bryan Hacken from work. It was then I overheard some of the people Bryan and Jess were talking to that they both knew. I heard the name “bauer”. I looked at the kid and just thought, “He kind of looks familiar.” It turns out that this kid was my brother’s camper in 1993 or something. I remember seeing this kid when he was 10 and now he was 21. It was extremely bizarre. Anyway, I have no idea what time I left the bar but it was fun and I was drunk. That’s the end of that story.

Jess Sabin and Anna Mikelson at whatever bar we were at on Friday.

When I woke up the next morning I was definitely aware of the alcohol I had drank the previous evening. I sat on the couch hoping to find something entertaining enough to watch until I had to get a haircut at 2pm. I don’t remember what I watched so it obviously wasn’t that entertaining. I don’t think that was important enough to write about. Anyway, I got a haircut and was reminded of the reason I can never go to a barbershop. It’s all about the shampooing. There’s nothing pleasant about an old Italian guy ripping through your hair with a comb after he’s spritzed you with one of those spray bottles to get your hair wet. There’s something so relaxing about having someone shampoo your hair and the way this girl washed my hair was the most relaxing thing ever. She even massaged my temples and my neck. It was a little odd but enjoyable.

After my haircut I called Sarah Fleischmann. We had had plans for brunch but I forgot that I had a haircut so I originally bailed on our plans but when I called her she hadn’t eaten yet so we went to our usual brunch place, The Grey Dog’s Coffee. I also tried to meet Vanessa White Wolf there at the same time to have a lunch foursome but when we got there they wouldn’t seat us next to her. Sarah and I sat next to a girl that really annoyed us. She wasn’t really doing anything so bad to us, it was her complete lack of common sense and respect for her animal that she had brought with her in a tote bag. She put the dog in the tote bag on the bench next to us. First the dog got out and started to sniff Sarah’s food. She put the dog back in the tote bag and put it under the table. Every time the dog tried to get out she would yell at it as if it were unnatural for the dog to not want to be in the tote bag. People, just because you want to go somewhere doesn’t mean your dog wants to go with you. Leave your dog at home if you’re just going to carry it around in a bag. And if you dare use the logic that the dog likes the bag, consider what it would be like being shoved into a bag and carried around unwillingly by someone 25 times your size. Then tell me your dog likes the bag. The same girl then went on to give relationship advice with her friend to the people on The O.C. as if they were real people. “If I were Summer’s friend I would tell her to get back with that guy…,” Get the picture? These people are fictional characters. You shouldn’t worry where there relationship is going, just sit back and enjoy the show. That’s why the show has writers and you’re not one of t hem.

Anyway, afterwards Sarah and I went back to my apartment and watched TV on the couch. Sarah left around 5:30 and I was sleepy and watched TV the rest of the night including the Big East championship which was won by Syracuse. Sweet. The NCAA tournament starts this week. Ladies and Gentlemen, get your tournament brackets ready.

Today before the Guttenberg- G.W. Bailey marathon I had brunch with the family at Kitchenette in Tribeca. The food was excellent and I highly recommend it. You know the rest of how my Sunday went. Okay, it’s time to catch the new South Park episode I missed. Happy new week.

Out and About

It’s been a nice little two day midweek run. Last night was a barn burner as the VH1 crowd gathered at Kevin St. James for Rebecca Bruno’s 30th birthday celebration. The other day I was discussing with my former editor Liam Lawyer that we really needed one of these group gatherings because it had been awhile since we’d been in edit and a night of drinking always seems to officially ring in the edit period. That being said there’s not much I can specifically remember about last night. It’s not that I was totally hammered or anything, it’s just that there was no huge occurrence, just mostly friendly enjoyable conversation. It was a good night of mingling with your co workers and enjoying each other’s company. It was also somewhat of a roommate even since 2 of my roommates were connected to other partygoers and attended as well. It was probably only the 3rd time, Sean Maddison, Matt Wood, and myself had been out drinking together since Matt moved in with us in December. Oddly enough, Betsy Van Stone’s roommate was also there because her company was having a party at the same bar and she hooked us up with some of their free food. I left the bar around midnight and went next door for some pizza along with Adam Starling, Carrie Kaylor, Sarah Polite, Zoran Zgonc, and Emily Anderson. Someone else was probably there but I don’t remember exactly who. After the pizza it was off to my bed to sleep it off.

Carrie Kaylor, Adam Starling, and Birthday Girl Rebecca Bruno being all smiley and happy and stuff.

Take That Beastie Boys! The Whitest Hip Hop Group Around “Prep School Posse”. Tim Golier, Myself, and Liam Lawyer really know what the mean suburban streets are like. Check for our latest release 2 Kool 4 Public School in stores soon.

I was in a fog most of the day but managed to have one of my most productive work days of the last few weeks. I’m as shocked as you are. Evan Kessler and “productive” don’t really belong in the same sentence, but then again I didn’t initially refer to myself in the third person, I used the word “I”. After work I met up with the delightful Jessica Iselin, who was visiting from Boston this week, to get some dinner one of the few restaurants with a gluten free menu. Jessica is allergic to the gluten not me. Personally I love gluten and everything it does for me, whatever that is. So anyway, we went to Risotteria, where I got, Risotto (surprise!) with Gorgonzola cheese and Walnuts. That’s my standard when I eat there, I was thinking about being more adventurous with my food choice but I totally wussed out. Jessica got the gluten free pizza, as if you were all wondering.

Afterwards we went to the Fat Black Pussycat. Lauren Hlavenka was having a birthday celebration. It wasn’t too crazy by the time I got there but there were plenty of good people around. Jess had to take off to go to see her brother’s Grateful Dead cover band. She had asked me to go earlier in the week but she knew the answer in advance seeing as I have certain feelings about Grateful Dead cover bands (or any jam band for that matter) and B.B. King’s. I had a great time hanging out with Jess. Unfortunately our time together had to end but hopefully I’ll see her over Passover in Rockland. The Fat Black Pussycat crowd consisted of Lauren, Jesse, Jasky, Chirag, Rich, Lina, Kayvalyn, Andy, Jason, and Nina. I’m probably leaving someone out but whatever. Rich had to leave for band practice. He’s got a show on April 7th at Galapagos that I’m sure I’ll be advertising on here. At one point Nina was talking to me and used the words “out and about”. It was at this point that I came to the realization that I don’t enjoy hearing those words, unless, they’re spoken by a person of Canadian descent. I couldn’t help but think that it just didn’t sound right. Maybe it’s because it’s just so fun to say “oat and aboat”.

After about 2 beers I went home and watched the rest of Syracuse destroying Rutgers in the Big East tournament and then moved onto the daily show. Now I am here typing for you kids. This is where it ends.

Language Lessons

I wasn’t going to post tonight but since I’ve been getting so many hits the past couple of days I sort of felt the need to keep the evankessler.com faithful happy, not that there are more than 3 or 4 of you and also because I think I may be busy over the course of the next couple of nights.
All I really did tonight was go to my brother’s apartment tonight and have some homemade soup and watch Hero. As my brother and I had some of his delicious vegetable soup he told me that he had received an email from a guy that had gone to camp with us almost 10 years ago if not more. In the email the guy asked my brother how he was along with the following gem, “I’m getting married. OMG.” What is wrong with that quote? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? If you haven’t figured this out yet, you may be part of the problem and not part of the solution. The letters OMG do not actually spell anything. They’re a lazy person’s excuse for the words “oh”, “my” and “god”. I told my brother to respond only in letters to see if the guy could decipher it. It seems the internet has made people way too lazy to actually communicate via the art of the complete sentence much less the complete phrase or god forbid complete word. Other examples include using the combination 4U to substitute for the phrase “for you” or n2 in place of “into”. The words “for you”only contain 6 letters. I just typed the words “for you” in less than 2 seconds. It takes me about the same time to type 4u and that combination just missed my destroyer. Also there’s the ever popular ROFL and LOL, which are the same as say “funny” or “haha”. Those also take the same exact time to type as their online counterparts. What that means is, that when you think you are saving time, you’re probably not. It’s much easier to write out your words an avoid confusion and annoyance. Talk to you later (2 seconds). Goodnight.