Hosting your own website is accompanied by an awesome responsibility. I’m not talking about the responsibility to update it every night with how much you drank the night before or the fact that you went to the gym and liked a song you heard while listening to your Ipod. If those are the sole responsibilities of a website host than I am indeed the king. However, I’m talking about a greater responsibility. That responsibility is the need for the website host to be honest and thought provoking and personal. Ok, so that’s not a mandated responsibility but it if it were, I think I’d fail miserably. Most of the time I just describe what I did the night before and that it was awesome.
As we approach the holidays I find something very personal on my mind. The holidays are a time of great happiness for those who take it upon themselves to spend time with loved ones and family, while others find the holiday to be extremely depressing. In fact, the suicide rate goes up every year. The closer we get to those magical days the more I start focusing in on New Year’s eve plans and that magical kiss at midnight. As I think about that magical kiss, I remember back to New Year’s Eve 2001, which is sadly the last time I had a magical New Year’s eve kiss and the then the holiday depression sets in. Whose fault is this? I could easily blame myself for my inability to conquer the affections of the opposite sex. However, no matter how much the blame deserves to be laid upon my shoulders for the travesty of the last 8 months that is otherwise referred to as my non- existent love life, I find it comforting to lay the blame on other people, places, concepts and inanimate objects.
To sum it up I decided to come up with a list of things responsible for my sputtering record of romance. None of these are really to be taken seriously and I just thought it would be fun to do. It’s not meant to offend anyone, and really shouldn’t.
1) The sputtering offense of the New York Giants- Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can a football team be responsible for a lack of romance? I don’t have an answer but I would describe both of them as “sputtering” and therefore they must be related.
2) The Dave Matthews Band- This band has been the bane of my existence since its inception in the mid 90′s. Cute girls everywhere swear by their Crash album no matter how bland and formulaic the music is. I always have a difficult time not judging people and putting them into a group of people I would not hang out with based solely on them owning a Dave Matthews Album. However, I have been known to make exceptions for people I deem to be likeable despite this. Also, these guys dumped a septic tank on a bunch of people on a tour boat. (Resist the urge to make a pun!) What a bunch of shitheads! Bad pun clearly intended. Also I will never forget the time I was at a high school party and all of these people stood around singing along to Ants Marching as if it were the greatest song ever written. That really disturbed me.
3) My Own Musical Snobbery- See above
4) Comedy Central- If this network didn’t show South Park and The Daily Show, I might be compelled to leave the house and do something social on many weeknights.
5) The Jews- Okay, so it’s not really their fault at all, but my people have been a scapegoat for so many of the world’s problems what’s one more? Also, being a Jew, I thought this would sort of make me accept some of the blame in a roundabout way without actually directly implicating myself but I guess it kind of does anyway. Oh well.
6) John Cusack- John Cusack has portrayed the every man that all men want to be at some time in his cinematic career. I have fallen prey many times to thinking I was in a similar romantic situation as a character portrayed by John Cusack in a particular film and thought that my situation would end up resolved a la Lane Meyer, Rob Gordon, Hoops McCann, and Lloyd Dobler, but not Buck Weaver in Eight Men Out. That’s a baseball movie and really has nothing to do with anything.
7) George W. Bush- The incompetence of the current President has turned the focus and attention of women around the world away from me and towards our Government’s lack of accountability for it’s glaring mistakes in the handling of our own foreign policy.
8) Women who like older men- I once had an heiress tell me that I was cute, but I’d be hot when I’m 40. The weirdest part was that I wasn’t hitting on her the least bit so I really have no idea where the statement came from. Besides, how does she know if I’m going to be hot when I’m forty years old?
9) Gary Sinise- This oscar nominated actor is now working on a CSI spinoff instead of continuing with quality film work. How this affects my crippled romance cycle is beyond me but I know he is connected somehow.
10) Reality Television- For some reason, people feel the need to not be social on a particular night simply because Donald Trump is firing people or the Bachelor is picking a wife he will eventually not marry. I will never understand it. However, I will be watching that show Project Runway since one of my brother’s best friends is on it. What will become of me?
11) The Anaheim Mighty Ducks- C’mon. No professional team should be named the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. It’s just lame. Everything is connected.
12) Snow’s debut album in the early 90′s 12 Inches of Snow- I actually think this horrid album title might be retroactively responsible for plenty of worldwide catastrophe before its release. It’s just that bad. How could it not have had some ripple effect on my life?
13) El Nino- Back in the late 90′s everything was blamed on the El Nino weather pattern. Apparently it’s back. I figured I’d give it a try.
14) The Phrase “Tall, Dark, and Handsome”- I work with what I’ve been given. I just happen to stand at around 5’6″, give or take a couple. There’s really nothing I can do about it. Besides, personality goes a long way.
Anyway, that’s all I could come up with for now and probably only #’s 2 ,3, 6,7, 8, 10 &12 are actually valid things to blame. I hope no one got offended by 5. I thought about taking it out but it’s not meant to be taken seriously. Is anything on this website?